Moments in Life
by Jennifer Lynn Utterback
Writing About a Radio PRIVATE
“Goddamn it, Goddamn it, Goddamn it,” I screamed, seeing that my car had been broken into, again. “Damn it, they got the radio again! Bastards,” I continued yelling, opening the now unlocked door. Crawling into the car I cursed under my breath a couple of times. Once in the car I decided it was such a nice day, I’d take off the top. Besides wanting fresh air, I couldn’t stand looking at the soft top with a big slash in it. And it would waste some time. No use hurrying to meet the editor without any work to hand her.
After struggling with the top for about fifteen minutes I reprimanded myself for thinking of this brilliant idea. “Why do you do this? You know it is such a hassle to take it off and put it back on. You’re an idiot.” Once I removed the top, I folded it up, carefully to waste more time, and threw it in the back seat. I crawled back into the car and started it up. Out of habit I reached to turn on the radio and, upon remembering it was gone, I yelled “Bastards!” one more time.
Driving without a radio was driving me bananas. I pulled into the nearest electronics store, What a Deal. Usually I never did any type of shopping with the top off the car, but what the hell, there wasn’t much left to steal.
The security guy checked me over as I walked into the store. Men are pigs, I thought to myself. However, once I looked him over, I thought, not bad. Anyway, I headed to the car stereo department and browsed. Spotting one I liked, I pushed my way to the register.
“When can I have this installed? Please, tell me today!” I asked the sales clerk.
“Hold on a sec’. I gotta check the schedule,” she said as she pulled out a huge binder.“What’s today’s date?” she asked.
“Look, I barely know what day it is, except that it has been a catastrophic one, how would I know the date?”
“Well, today’s the 19th. We can install your radio at one this afternoon. That O.K.?
I examined my watch. Ten in the morning? No, eleven. Obviously no coffee this morning. “Yeah that’s fine if you don’t have anything earlier.”
“Nope, nothing.”
“Fine,” I said, grabbing the receipt and radio as I walked towards that hunk of a security guard. Attempting to walk out the door, something stopped me. An alarm. The sensor on the package had made the alarm go off.
“Miss, can I see your receipt?” the security guard asked, taking the radio out of my hand.
“Sure. Anything else you need?”
“No. The sales clerk must not have taken the sensor off the radio. Sorry about that.”
“Oh, that’s O.K. It’s a good excuse to talk to you. My name’s Nikki,” I said. I could clearly read “Scott” on his name tag, but I attempted to be coy.
“Uhm, I’m married,” the security guard answered as he pointed to a gold band on his right ring finger.
More good luck. I grabbed the radio and dashed out of the store. I made a sacred vow to myself never to miss my morning coffee again. Wow! I missed a wedding ring. Driving to the newspaper office was always boring, but having no radio didn’t help. I had to think of an idea for my column anyway. I wrote short stories for the Sunday Arts section. It wasn’t due until eleven this morning. Nothing to worry about, just a little writer’s block. So it had lasted four weeks now, it was bound to break soon.
Thoughts raced through my head. Family? No, overused. Passages? No, tried that in Ms. Mary Scott Simpson’s writing fiction class in college, got a B+. Encounters? No, B+ again. Relationships? No, B+ again. Metafiction? Yes! I can write a story about writer’s block and all the things I did to get rid of it. Perfect, except for one thing: what am I doing to break my block? Nothing. Shit. When I get to the newspaper office I’ll do some stupid exercises and see what happens.
When I arrived at the office my editor, Mary, was waiting at the door as I expected.
“You’re late. That can only mean on thing, the story isn’t done, is it?” Mary asked.
“Look, I just thought of a great idea. I’m going to attempt metafiction. What do you think?” I timidly asked.
“Have you ever done this before?”
“No, I was supposed to in college, but I never did.”
“Well, did you start it?”
“No, I just got the idea as I drove over.”
“Wonderful! You better take a seat and pour out something.”
“Well, I have to have a new radio installed in about an hour. Do you think you can wait?”
“No, I can’t wait. That story was due an hour ago. We have to send the stuff to the printer. Get your butt moving. If you want a radio installed in an hour, you’d better start cracking.”
“Fine,” I mumbled as I slid behind my desk and turned on the computer. All right, write. That never works. I’ll start with something simple. Clustering. I wrote the word writing in the middle of a pad of paper and circled it. Now, what clusters with writing. Frustration. Block. B+s. A stronger prose style. Now I’m whining. Forget this. I’ll write a story on how I wrote the story of the little girl and her dad at a baseball game. Simpson gave me an A on that one.
Well, how did I come to write that? I sat in class, presented my idea, everyone added a little input, and then I amazingly spat it out on paper. That won’t do. I looked at my watch. Eleven thirty? No damn it, I’ve done it again. Twelve thirty. I need a cup of coffee. I got up and poured myself a cup of coffee from the office coffee maker. I never added to the coffee fund, maybe that’s why the coffee was always cold and old, but it was coffee. I took a sip and felt my brain get a jump start. Much better. Mary walked to my desk where I had just crumpled my clustering paper and thrown in across the room.
“Not doing so well I take it,” Mary said.
“I’m fine.”
“Doesn’t look like you’re going to get that radio today. Why are you getting a new one anyway?”
“My car was broken into, again.”
“That’ll teach you to buy a convertible.”
“Thanks, MOM!”
“Just get your story done.”
I picked up the phone and called What a Deal.
“Hi, this is Nikki Sloan. Is there any way I can push back my appointment to have my radio installed? No, are you sure? Fine. I’ll be 15 minutes late, O.K.? Great, thanks.”
Well, I had bought 15 minutes, big deal. There was no way I was going to drive my car without a radio for any longer than I had to. Back to the story. Hum, what to write about. Hey, what have I been doing here? Iım trying to write a story about writing a story, why don’t I write it about writing this story? What? I confused the hell out of myself. Anyway, I turned to the computer and began typing...
“Goddamn it, Goddamn it, Goddamn it,” I screamed seeing that my car had been broken into again. “Damn it, they got the radio again! Bastards,” I continued yelling, opening the now unlocked door.
Yes, this is it. I’ll write about my miserable day and experiences as a way to show how I started writing my story. Perfect. I sat at the computer and type away. All of the day’s events were perfect in my head. O.K., so I changed a few things to make it better, real life is such a drag, but the point is I did it. When I was done I printed it out, and handed it to Mary. “Done!” I said.
“Well that was fast. Let’s see. I don’t see how this is a metafiction story.”
“You’ll see. Hurry up, I’m going to be late.”
“Hold on. See, you missed a comma here.”
“That’s your job, Mary. See,” I pointed to the name plate on her door, “that’s what it says under your name: editor.”
“Cute.”
I shut up and let Mary finish the story.
“This is good. You did a great job. It’s like I can’t tell where the story begins and ends in a way. Good job.”
“Thanks. I’m out of here.”
“Are you going to have your story in for next week on time?”
“Yeah, I’ll be in tomorrow to work on it. See ya.”
I walked out the office door ran to my car, jumped in and started the car. I drove like a maniac to the store. Actually, that’s how I normally drive. I got my radio installed. The stupid this is, on the way home I didn’t turn it on. I hummed to myself.
Daddy’s Little Girl PRIVATE
The little league game was in the bottom of the third inning by the time Edward and his daughter arrived.
“Come on,” Edward said, standing at the top of the bleachers.
“All the way up there?” she asked.
“Just get up here!”
She bent over and grabbed the next step as she went up the steep stands. She stopped a moment and scratched her thigh.
“Will you hurry up. You’re so slow,” Edward said.
“I’m hurrying.”
Once she made it to the top she sat snuggled next to her father scratching her thigh again.
“Why are you breathing so hard? It wasn’t that difficult. Any boy your age or even younger could have made it up here without huffin’ and puffin’ like that,” Edward said.
“It was too hard,” she said.
“You’re so soft. You need more muscles, more strength.”
“I got muscles,” she said, flexing her right arm.
“Yeah, you got muscles all right. You got the muscles of a five old boy. Now be quiet and watch the game.”
She began scratching her thigh furiously.
“What is your problem?” Edward asked.
“These shorts you bought itch. Why couldn’t I wear my jumpsuit Mom put me in?”
“Because it was too flowery for a baseball game. Leave your legs alone and watch the game.”
Both turned their heads to watch the game. Within seconds, there was a play at the plate and the runner was called out.
“Did you see that?” Edward asked, turning to his daughter, “He was safe. That ump is blind as a bat!”
“I think he was out.”
“What the hell do you know? You’re just a nine old girl.”
“I learned to play baseball in gym class. Ms. Larson said if they touch you with the ball before you hit the base you’re out,” she said.
“Ms. Larson is probably a dike,” Edward said under his breath.
“What?”
“Ms. Larson and you are girls and girls don’t know nothin’ about baseball or sports.”
“Oh yes I do,” she said, standing up and putting her hands on her hips as she’d seen her mother do.
“Look at you, you even stand like a girl.”
“But, I am a girl,” she said sitting back down.
“Don’t remind me.”
They sat in an awkward silence for a couple of minutes. Frank, Edward’s police partner, came over.
“Hey buddy, how you liking the game so far?” Frank asked.
“Haven’t seen much of it. My daughter keeps telling me all her insights on baseball. Apparently she knows everything,” Edward said.
“Oh. Well, I betcha my boys know more than you do,” Frank said. She did not answer.
“She’s mad at me and you know how girls get when they’re mad,” Ed said. It’s like they got P.M.S. or something. Just ignore her. So, your boys are looking good.”
“Yeah, they’ve been looking forward to this game. The Broncos are the ones who slaughtered them last year. This year we are gonna kick their butts.”
“Well, good luck.”
“We don’t need it. Not with my boys out there,” Frank said as he was leaving.
The daughter sneezed. She took out her white handkerchief and blew her nose.
Turning back to her, Edward asked, “Why do you gotta act that way? Why can’t you be more like Frank’s boys?”
She continued to ignore him while focusing on the game. Edward gave up the conversation and also focused on the game. Frank’s youngest boy, Biff, hit a ground ball and there was a play at second base.
“Hey Daddy ,” she said after a couple of minutes.
“I’m trying to watch the game. All right, he’s safe. Hey, didn’t I tell you to call me Dad. Daddy is too wussy sounding,” Edward said.
“Hey Dad, when we get home can we play baseball?”
“No, you are not good at baseball.”
“How do you know? You never seen me play.”
“Simple, you’re a girl and girls can’t play baseball.”
“Girls can play good baseball,” she said.
“O.K. then, how come you don’t see them on T.V. like boys?”
“I don’t know. Maybe they don’t wanna be on T.V..”
“Yeah, that’s a good reason.”
“Hey Daddy “
“I told you already to call me Dad. You’re embarrassing me.”
“Hey Dad, how come you wouldn’t let me go shopping with Michele?”
“Shopping is for girls like your sister.”
“But, I am a girl.”
“Yeah, I have all the luck,” Edward said.
“But, I thought I was your baby girl?”
“Well, you are but I wish you were my baby boy. Now just shut up and watch the stupid game.”
She brought her knees close to her chest and began sobbing. Edward stared at the field concentrating on the game. Frank’s boys won the game.
Losing PRIVATE
Grabbing the railing as if it were her life line, Julie slowly and deliberately raised her right knee a little, winced, then set it down heavily on the next step like it was a bag of bricks. “All this from a simple little visit to the gynecologist,” she mumbled to herself. After a long struggle that felt like she was wrestling with a crocodile, she touched the front door. “I hate doctors! I hate my arthritis!” she said to herself lifting her sore legs over the last little step.
She walked to her front door, fought with the lock a little and cursed at it for being stubborn, and them limped into her spacious apartment. Desperately looking for relief, she walked into the kitchen, opened the freezer and grabbed frantically for her only hope, some ice, which she put in a plastic baggie. Spotting the nearest chair, she maneuvered her body so she could just collapse into it. A near miss, but with the balance of a cat on a small window sill she fell into the chair and then put the ice on her head. Although her knees were throbbing with pain, her head hurt most of all. “How the hell am I going to tell Keith?” she asked herself. Over and over again she questioned herself until her head was wet from the sweating ice pack.
The phone rang. She knew it would be Keith. He worried too much. While stretching for the phone, water dripped from the makeshift ice bag.
“Hello,” she said.
“Hi honey. How was the doctor?” Keith asked.
“Oh, she’s fine.”
“You know what I meant...how did it go?”
“Oh, it was so much fun. First she strapped my legs down so I couldn’t move them. Then she stuck this claw up my crotch and poked around and then she stuck her finger up me and poked around some more. It was so enjoyable. How the hell do you think it was?”
“Honey, I just wanted to make sure everything was O.K. You just went to see her a month ago, why did you have to go again?”
“I’ll tell you when I see you. You coming home on time today?”
“I thought you were coming back into the office. Didn’t you have to get that ad to the newspaper today?”
“I took it yesterday.”
“How come you didn’t show me?”
“Honey, it was the same ad I always run. It simply said ‘J&K Catering featuring Keith Davidson, head chef’”
“So you’re not coming back in?”
“Keith, I can barely walk. I’m going to stay home.”
“O.K., Iıll be home in two hours. O.K?”
“Yeah, that’s fine. Bye.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Keith.”
Julie hung up the phone and threw the ice toward the sink. She missed. She didn’t care. It was more important to figure out how to tell Keith about being pregnant for two months. I shouldn’t have put this off. I should have to him last month, she thought to herself.
With the help of the kitchen table, she pulled herself up to a standing position, which was not as easy at it seemed. That table was useful it helped her out of the chair and it had helped, though not very comfortably, conceive the child she was carrying. He’ll probably want to throw out the table if her remembers that night, she thought.
The walk to her bedroom was arduous, but she managed it. Wanting to be less constrained, she took off her clothes. Unfortunately she caught a glimpse of her naked body in the full length mirror. The temptation was there and she responded by examining herself in the mirror. She was short, very thin and in relatively good shape. One tiny bulge of fat stuck out from her stomach and she patted and tugged on it like a kitten with a ball of yarn. Imagine me pregnant, she thought. She’d be fat, bloated, and huge. Keith didn’t want to have kids, let alone a fat, stretch marked wife, she thought.
Sick of torturing herself, she went into the bathroom. As she leaned over to start the water for a bath, her glasses slipped off her nose and she barely caught them before they hit the bottom of the tub. “Damn glasses,” she said as she placed them on the sink. She still wasn’t used to them, having worn them only a couple of weeks, since the medication for her arthritis had caused her to lose part of her vision.
As the water filled the tub she clasped her hair into a ponytail and sat on the toilet thinking with her head resting on her fist imitating the famous statue. Keith was going to be upset. Even though Keith wouldn’t want her to, she was still considering having the baby. The doctor said she had one more month to decide whether or not to terminate it. Terminate it, she thought. What a strange way to put it. “You mean kill it,” she yelled. Covering her face with both hands like a frightened child, tears rolled down her cheeks, but only for a brief moment. “I’m O.K. I just had a bad minute. You’re O.K.,” she said to reassure herself.
The doctor had gone over the procedure of an abortion earlier. The whole idea of an abortion scared Julie. As she sat there, she was remembering the doctor explaining the sucking process to get the baby out. She could actually hear the sucking noise, and this frightened her. “Stop!” she yelled. Closing her eyes she begged whoever was making that noise to stop, but it didn’t. Opening her eyes, the realization of what the sound was came to her. The stopper was not in the drain. Julie picked herself up with the help of the sink and fixed the stopper. She lowered herself back on the toilet and waited for the tub to fill.
Thinking about the abortion again, tears streamed down her cheeks All the horrible pictures she’d seen in high school of tiny dead babies in garbage bags, all the result of abortions, came into her mind. Those pictures make her sick then and now. “I can’t do it,” she yelled. Violently she shook for a second as a chill overtook her. Calm down, she thought. Don’t do this to yourself. She turned the water off and crawled into the bath. As she closed her eyes trying to relax she could feel the water soothe her skin. Her knees were starting to feel better, but her head pounded even more now, though. “Thank God I still have two hours to figure out what I’m going to say...” she said.
“Honey?” Keith yelled from the bedroom.
“What the hell?” she said to herself. “I’m in here,” she yelled to Keith.
Keith opened the bathroom door and leisurely leaned against the wall. She could feel his eyes examine and admire her naked body. She didn’t mind. He glided over to her and kissed her then sat on the toilet. Her eyes remained closed.
“I thought you said you’d be home in a couple of hours?” she asked him, opening her eyes.
“Yeah, but you sounded so upset on the phone so I left.”
“I could have really used this time alone.”
“Why? What’s a matter?”
“Who did you leave in charge?”
“Randy.”
“Did you leave him work to do?”
“He’s finishing planning the meal for the Henderson’s cocktail party.”
“Which reminds me I have to call Mrs. Henderson.”
“Now, will you please tell me what’s going on?”
“Can you wait until I’m done taking a bath? I’m trying to work the stiffness out of my knees.”
“That bad?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll rub them later. But first tell me what’s going on. Please.”
“O.K. I wanted to wait but because you are aggravating me and I want to get back to my bath: I’m two months pregnant. Happy now?”
Keith was silent. Very silent. It frightened Julie. She figured he’d expected something like a yeast infection, not pregnancy.
“What are you going to do?”
“I want to keep it.”
“Julie, you can’t. You know the arthritis doctor said you can’t gain any weight. He told you not to get pregnant.”
“How convenient for you. Admit it, Keith, you don’t want to have kids and my arthritis is a good excuse. Besides I wasn’t the only one that participated in getting pregnant!”
“Honey, the arthritis is not an excuse for me. You can’t do this. You can’t even go to the doctor without having trouble walking after, how are you going to give birth?”
“They can do a c section. Besides, Dr. Winestein said if I stay in bed for the remaining months I shouldn’t have too many problems.”
“Oh, and what will you do about the business. You can’t expect me to do all the cooking and cleaning at the business and then come home and do it too. Who’s going to do your work?”
“I can do it at home.”
“Julie, let’s be realistic. You can’t do this. You can’t sit in bed for seven months. You’ll go crazy and them you’ll drive me crazy. You’re not the type of person to stay at home. Besides, it will be too much. You’re not that healthy now. You know that. You have to take care of yourself first.”
“I want to do this. I don’t think I can have an abortion.”
“Honey, I love you very much, and you know I would support you in any decision, but you can’t physically do this. You may have the strength emotionally, but not physically. Maybe in a couple of years we can have a baby. When your arthritis is in a remission...”
“You know it may never go into remission.”
“You don’t know that it won’t. For your own sake you can’t do this right now. You are in so much pain as it is. I can’t watch you be in any more pain. It’s hard enough for me to deal with this now.”
“I want to do this,” she said, starting to cry.
“It’s not the right time.”
“It’s never going to be the right time with you. You don’t want kids.”
“That’s not the point. It’s not the right time for you. Julie, YOU have to get better first.”
“I know you’re right, but I don’t think I can handle the abortion.”
“I’ll be there with you. I’ll take care of you after. We’ll get you counseling if you need it. You can’t hurt yourself like this. This is the best way.”
“I know, I just don’t want to.”
“I understand.”
“No, you don’t. You have no clue. I feel like this is my fault. If I didn’t have the arthritis I could have this baby. You don’t know what this is like! I’m the one who had to look at all the awful pictures of dead babies from abortions and get lectured from Sister Callahan that abortions were evil and now my baby is going to end up on a picture like that,” she said as she got out of the tub. She put her glasses over her teary eyes. As she slipped into her bathrobe Keith reached out for her. She just walked past him.
As she lowered herself onto the bed she grabbed her purse. Searching through the purse for a couple of minutes she produced a business card. She picked up the phone and then put it back down. She picked it up again and after consulting the card a couple of times, she finished dialing.
“Hello, I’d like to make an appointment. Thursday at 11:30? Hold on a minute. Is that O.K. with you, Keith?”
“That’s fine,” he yelled still sitting on the toilet.
“Yeah I’ll take it. My name is Julie Davidson. Bye,” she said into the phone and then hung up the receiver. “I’m going to eat some chocolate ice cream, do you want any?” she asked Keith.
“No.”
Julie put the card on the night stand and walked to the door.
“I love you, Julie.”
“Yeah, I love you, too.”
PRIVATE
Dawn Pstiloridas (everyone called her Pits) was a real show off, even in the fifth grade. All of her friends loved her parents. Her mother, a June Cleaver clone, always had homemade cookies on hand. Very good looking barely described her father. Every girl had a secret, but obvious, crush on him. Dawn, at least twice a day, paraded around like a peacock squawking about her parents. This day proved to be no different.
Eight months and three weeks before, Dawn’s mother had announced her pregnancy. A day did not pass without Dawn reminding everyone she had a baby sister or brother on the way.
Not that this was remarkable. It was a Catholic school. One fellow student had 17 siblings with another on the way. Different did not adequately describe Kelly’s situation. Her parents were divorced and she had not seen her father, ever. Sure a couple of other students’ parents were divorce, too, but most of them remarried or both parents participated in the child’s life. Kelly was different. She did not publicize her father’s disappearance, but some people knew about it. Dawn happened to be one of them that knew. Dawn had slept over at Kelly’s house a couple of times. She always noticed the absence of Kelly’s father and that Kelly never mentioned him. Whenever Dawn asked Kelly bout her father, however, Kelly just ignored her.
Unfortunately, ignoring Dawn sometimes caused more problems. Kelly could still vividly remember her birthday party last year, a slumber party with about twelve girls including her and Dawn. When it turned ten o’clock, Kelly’s mom begged the girls to go to sleep. They didn’t. Finally at midnight Kelly’s mom did not give much of a choice to the girls. Dawn looked straight at Kelly, in front of everyone, and said, “Go ask your dad if we can stay up late?” She felt Dawn did that to embarrass and hurt her. Surprised and hurt, Kelly tried to squirm out of the situation by simply saying he wasn’t home yet. Dawn looked right at Kelly and, loud enough for everyone to hear, asked, “He’s not home any night, is he?” Kelly just pretended to ignore her. The more Kelly didn’t say anything, the more Dawn taunted her. Dawn said horrible things that night. Kelly still could not figure out how she ever forgave Dawn. All she knew is that things were a little different between them now.
Dawn boasted to everyone during recess that her mother was not feeling well that morning. Kelly, while listening to Dawn, yawned quite loudly. Kelly heard the same story every day at recess about how Dawn’s mother was not feeling good and she could have the baby any minute. So far she had not given birth. Kelly always thought that if Dawn was allowed to talk to strangers she would tell them about the soon arrive baby. Everyone else appeared bored with the baby story. As soon as Dawn said the word “baby” everyone scrambled to get away from her. Kelly, obviously tired from helping her mom do laundry last night, had no strength to run and remained while everyone ran for cover.
“My mom said she might have the baby today.”
“Uh huh,” Kelly said.
“I’m gonna have a little brother or sister to boss around soon.”
“Uh huh,” Kelly said as she looked at her feet playing with a stone.
“It’s going to be so great. All the mean things Bobby did to me I can do to this baby. I’ll make him do my chores like Bobby does to me. It’ll be great. Too bad you don’t have a younger brother or sister to do all the mean things to that your sister did to you.”
“I don’t really care.”
“Yes you do. You wanna be like me, but you can’t.”
“Sure I can,” Kelly said, starting to walk away from Dawn. She knew how Dawn could get and did not want any part of it today. It reminded Kelly of the time when Dawn copied Kelly’s homework and Kelly got a lower grade than Dawn. Dawn kept teasing Kelly about how everybody thought she was better and how Kelly wished she could be like her. Dawn was like a new puppy learning to play fetch. They will go and get the stick, but they don’t drop it at your feet, they just keep running with it. She tried to just get her to go away, “Just leave me alone, Dawn. I don’t wanna be like you.”
“Your mom can’t have a baby. Your daddy left. Your mom can’t have a baby without a daddy,” Dawn said as she walked briskly to catch up with Kelly.
Kelly was becoming frustrated like the dog owner who decides he bought a dumb dog. She felt this way not only because the subject of her father had come up, always a problem, but also because Dawn stomped around in one of those moods again. “Leave me alone,” Kelly screamed jogging away from Dawn.
“You know I’m right,” Dawn screamed to Kelly. Dawn stood still for a minute and then ran to catch up to Kelly again. “You’re never gonna have a baby in your family cause your daddy left.”
Kelly stopped jogging. She stood in place for a minute looking at the ground. Then she looked Dawn straight in the face. “Dawn, what’s your problem? Drop it. You’re getting me mad. I’m telling you to leave me alone for the last time.” Kelly turned around and stood there waiting for Dawn to say something else.
“What’s a matter Kelly,” Dawn asked, “does the truth hurt?”
Kelly still had her back turned to Dawn. She waited a minute and then whipped around so that her face stopped inches from Dawn’s. “I hope your baby dies!” Kelly leaned back. Dawn stood still with a shocked look on her face. At first, a happy feeling overtook Kelly. Finally, the dog dropped the stick at her feet. She’d got Dawn to stop talking and teasing her. But then she saw Dawn’s eyes swell with tears and she knew she had done something terrible wrong.
Kelly wanted desperately to reach out to Dawn and tell her she was just kidding, or she did not mean it, or something. She knew she couldn’t. It was done, and there was no way of fixing it.
“How could you say that?” Dawn asked with tears flowing down her now red face. She did not wait for Kelly to answer. She ran to the steps of the school, sat down and cried. Kelly just stood in the same place until the teacher came to yell at her.
A Lost Treasure PRIVATE
The smell of the flowers sickened Beth as she stood next to her mother’s coffin. The day was almost done, one more hour. She knew she needed to go home and get some sleep for tomorrow. She also knew that she would not be able to in the now empty apartment, though.
“How are you holdin’ up?” Meg asked.
“All right, I guess.”
“You’re doing good. Why don’t ya sit down for a bit. I don’t think anyone else is coming. I think every last relative and friend has been here.”
Beth looked at her aunt and then turned toward the nearest chair. As she was about to plop in the chair, out of the corner of her eye she saw a slightly gray, skinny, tall man walking in the door.
“You were wrong, Aunt Meg. One more. Who is he? Do you know him? I don’t,” Beth said.
Meg was speechless. Beth thought that was a miracle. Meg’s face grew paler with every step closer the man took.
“Come on. I don’t wanna look like an idiot. Will you tell me who this guy is?” Beth asked.
The man carefully knelt at Laura’s coffin. He bowed his head in presumably silent prayer.
“Why don’t ya just sit down. I’ll handle this guest. You need a break,” Meg said not taking her eyes off the man, who was still kneeling.
“Nah, it’s O.K. I’m her daughter. She’d expect me to do this. Now do you mind telling me who this is?”
“Please just sit down. You don’t know him. I do. He’s a friend of mine.”
“I’ll quickly tell him thank you for coming and then I will sit down. I promise.”
The man stood up and walked briskly over to the two women. He stared at Beth and Meg stared at him. Beth thought she recognized him, but put the thought aside quickly. The man, frozen in his spot, continued to stare. Beth, hoping to sit down soon, approached him.
“Hello, I’m Beth, Laura’s daughter.” Beth offered her hand to the man.
“Only a handshake. I kinda expected a little more,” the man said.
“Excuse me?”
“It’s been a long time.”
“I’m sorry do I know you?”
“I’m your father.”
Beth was dumbfounded. She looked to her aunt, hoping for an answer. Meg just nodded. Beth felt a swelling inside of her. She fought back in rapid succession, the impulse to cry, the impulse to rip this man apart, and the impulse to run away.
“Sorry to do this this way at a time like this, but I had to come and see Laura,” the man said.
“Is that all you came for? To see Mom?”
“To see you also.”
“Why don’t you just leave?” Meg asked. “She is having a tough time getting through the death of her mother and now you want her to deal with the resurrection of her father? You always had great timing.”
“No, it’s O.K., Aunt Meg. I can deal with this. You go sit down, I’ll be fine,” Beth said. Meg turned around and plopped in a chair close by.
“You look good,” the man said.
“So why was it so important to see Mom?”
“I came some time ago to the realization, uhm, I don’t know how to put it.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m not ready to hear about it anyway,” Beth said with a sigh of relief.
“No. I came here to say this I have to say it. I realized that your mom was the love of my life. I never found a better woman.”
“Look. I know it’s hard to deal with the death of a loved one. I have seen so many people come in here and say such nice things about Mom, and I know they didn’t mean it. Like there’s her old boss,” Beth points to an older man sitting in the back of the room. “He made Mom’s like hell when she worked there. That’s why she started her own business. Anyways, he comes in here telling me how bad he felt when Mom quit and what a valuable employee she was. It’s all bullshit.”
“I’m not bullshitting you. Yes, I’m upset about Laura being gone, but I came to this realization a long time ago. I just didn’t have the guts to say anything. I was wrong to leave her and you.”
Beth waved good-by to some of her friends. She looked back at the man.
“I never had the guts to face her, though. I was too much of a coward. I really can’t believe I have the courage to sit and talk to you now.”
Beth looked at her shoe. She watched it slip on and off her foot a few times. When that began to bore her, she looked around the room at all the people, except for the man.
“Are you listening?”
“Huh?”
“Are you listening to what I’m saying? This is really hard for me.”
“Oh! Yes, I’m listening as closely as I can,” Beth lied.
“Anyway, I had heard that she passed on and I knew that is was too late.” As he said this, Beth remembered a trip to California her mom and she had taken. It had taken Laura three years to save for the trip, but she did it. They laughed every single second of that trip. Beth sat back watching and enjoying the thoughts and images of the trip, as if they were actual pictures. “But I felt if I came here and said a silent prayer that she would hear me. I know she is in heaven. There is no other place for an angel like her.”
After an awkward moment of silence Beth discovered that the man had stopped speaking.
“So why did you want to see me?” Beth asked.
“I wanted to tell you face to face how sorry I am. I never meant to hurt you.”
Meg shuffled in her chair. Beth tilted her head to see her aunt more clearly. She smiled at Meg, to let her know everything was all right. Meg smiled back. Beth thought back to the time when Meg’s husband had left her and she stayed at Laura and Beth’s house for a while. It was not too long ago. Laura, Beth, and Meg had stayed up all night men bashing and baking chocolate chip cookies. Beth remembered how they laughed that night. The three of them had good times together. It was like they were all sisters. Beth tilted her head back towards the man. She stopped smiling and resumed her blank expression.
“You see, things weren’t going good between your mom and me. I left before your mom knew she was pregnant with you.”
Beth wiggled in her chair. She was becoming bored. She stared at her mother’s coffin, wishing for this man to go away. She did not want to hear any more excuses. She remembered Laura had tried to make excuses for him when Beth was younger. Beth never really believed them. She sat here, now, trying to think of some of those excuses. She couldn’t. She never believed them enough to remember them. Eventually Laura had given up and told Beth the truth. Beth would never forget that day. It was heart breaking for both Beth and Laura. But, as Beth sat there listening to that man, she could honestly say that she had made it though that day, with the help of Laura, a whole box of tissues, and double chocolate fudge ice cream. She remembered that her mom and she did not even put the ice cream in a bowl. They just are it straight out of the carton. They did that a lot. Beth remembered on that day Laura said, “Oh hell. Let’s just eat it out of the carton. Two less dishes we have to wash. It’ll be fun.” And it was fun. Beth thought it was always fun to be with her mom.
“I wanted to come back to be with you but your mom and I still weren’t getting along. I thought it would be better if I left. Looks like everything worked out for you. You look good.”
“Yeah, everything worked out O.K. for me. Mom and I struggled for a long time, but we made it through because we stuck together.”
“I can tell that you are not too happy with my sudden appearance.”
“I don’t know.”
“Look, I’ll be honest with you. There is another reason why I came today.” The man fumbled in his coat pocket and pulled out half of a heart shaped locket. “I would really like the other half of the locket. Will you give it to me?”
“So you have it? Mom thought it was lost. She loved that locket. How did you get it?”
“I came by to pick up some things after you were born. The locket was on the dresser. It had a picture of me on one side an a picture of you on the other. I broke it in two pieces and I took the half with your picture. I knew a day would come like this, and I knew your mother would give you the other half.”
“Why do you want it? Mom promised it to me. She gave it to me when I graduated from college. If you want it because of the picture of you in it, I took that out. When Mom handed it to me I took your picture out.”
“No, I don’t want it for the picture. I just want something to remember Laura by.”
“That locket is mine. I would like the other half. That locket has been in Mom’s family for a long time, it’s my turn to wear it. Please may I have it back?” Beth asked extending her hand to receive it.
“Beth, I’m sorry. I need to keep it. It means a lot to me. I know that I have disappointed you before...”
“No, it’s O.K. I’ve gotten used to being disappointed by you. Maybe it would be better if you left. I’m going through an obvious rough time right now, I don’t need to be fighting over a locket.”
“Beth, I’m rally sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you anymore pain today. Look, here is my card,” the man said as he fumbled in his coat pocket and pulled out a business card. He handed the card to Beth. “When you’re ready to talk with me again, call.”
“I don’t know when that will be.”
“That’s O.K. Just take the card in case you want to use it.”
Beth looked at the card and put in her pocket. She stood. Looking for a tissue, she walked over to the coat rack and grabbed one out her coat pocket. She saw some of her friends standing in the back of the room and she went to join them. The man got up from his chair slowly and left.
Beth went to the back room with a friend to fix herself up. Her makeup had been ruined from all the crying she had done that day. After making herself look presentable, she went to tell Aunt Meg that she was fine.
“Hi. Everything went O.K. He didn’t say anything I didn’t expect. Same old excuses,” Beth said.
“I’m sorry, honey. You better get your stuff, it’s time to go home.”
“I’ll be ready in a minute. I’ll meet you in the car.”
Beth walked over to her mother’s coffin and knelt.
“Thanks, Mom, for giving me the courage to deal with him.”
She shuffled over to the coat rack where her purse and coat were. She put her coat on. As she was searching for a tissue in her coat pocket again, she felt something cold against her hand. She pulled the object out of her pocket. It was the other half of the locket. She looked at it. It was empty.
