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DAMN THAT MR. RUFF

Jason Pettus


You received a nursing degree before you had me or Colin. And all through our growing up, you worked part-time as a “substitute” school nurse for our district. You would come to various schools at various times, whenever the regular nurse would get sick, or go on their cycle break.

God, it was always so great when you’d come and work at our school, Ścause you’d let us skip classes and come hang out in the nurse’s office, let us practice popping wheelies in the wheelchair, let us sit around and hit on the student aide. Plus we never had to ride the bus home on the days you’d work at our school.

So you were working on the first day of my eighth grade year. And I went to my 6th period class, Science, with Mr. Ruff, the school’s teacher-clown. And I don’t even know anymore how, but somehow the subject of you, the nurse, being my mom came up. And Mr. Ruff got this mischievious look in his eyes, and he said, “Hey, you know a really good trick we can play on your mom?”

Mr. Ruff took a two inch splinter of wood off a ruler, and placed it right under the dead part of my fingernail. He told me to squeeze my finger with my other hand, so that the skin would come up and hold the splinter in place. And then he took a pencil and a red pen and drew on the rest of my fingernail so that it looked like the splinter went all the way down the inside of my fingernail down to the cuticle.

“Okay, Jason, here’s a pass. Now go running into the nurse’s office screaming your head off!”

So I did. “Mom, mom, mom!” I yelled into the secretaries’ faces, running into your office.

You took a glance at my finger. “Oh my God!” you screamed out. “Oh my God! What happened to you?” And I started giggling uncontrollably and let go of my finger, making the splinter fall out.

You had a little talk with Mr. Ruff after school that day. But he and I both agreed the next day that it was a pretty funny joke. Even at the end of that year, when Mr. Ruff signed my yearbook, he mentioned it. “That was a pretty funny joke we played on your mom, wasn’t it?”



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