For years and years I’ve been wondering
why Dolly Parton has not had any children
this incredible woman whom I’d rather
sit next to on a plane more than anyone else
in the entire world. She turned the big five-O this year perhaps its too late though
there haven’t been any intimations
from the press that menopause
has shut down her factory and then that Adrienne
Barbeau gave birth to a second son
this very week at age 51without assistance from fertility
drugs. That’s what the papers
said and besides there are all those older women
out in Italy who have been launching
babies well past sixty lately
Good Lord and the newborns
are healthy a little small maybe
if Dolly is in a quandary she’s got
some time left it’s been pressing
on me this childlessness. The woman
has accomplished so very much
her achievements her legacyare handsome and confirmed there’s plenty
of money I presume for raising babies and opportunities
galore she’s not touring as much anymore I hate to think
it’s a problem with the plumbing did you know
that Dolly’s been married to Carl
Dean for nearly thirty years? You
never see him at her side never
not once on the awards shows or in those
magazine photo spreads they lead separate
lives and a seventeen page articlewill always fail to mention him they
have an understanding it seems
and I suppose so congenial
is their arrangement she could
seek out semen from other agents
if the problem is indeed Carl’s pipes
but as no such plan or explanation has been
forthcoming from her camp I remain
patient though some dare sayDolly is a lesbian. Imagine!
DOLLY PARTONÉA LESBIAN! Ever hear anything more confounding
didn’t think so America
has long enjoyed the large and wild
success of the blue-eyed
mountain-child woman
her winsome soprano shiny
persona in lackluster movies although 9 to 5 is a good film Pauline
Kael said so and so do I do your
emember Doralee’s dazzling
Rope
tricks? We should all
hail the creator of Dollywood
a Blueridge Disneyland built in ‘87
in her hometown of Pigeon Forge
people flock for the fun fantasy food fine
music the rides razzamatazz the avenues
of sequins there are crowds all times
of day and year housewives young
executives families Northerners
Southerners foreigners schoolbuses
of kindergartners and senior citizens
legions of men with substantial
Dollywood in their pants for years
and years before the gala opening
now it is a dream come true for the
man actualization of all things
Partonesque. Dear beloved incomparable
Dolly you should form a line
with plump red velvet stanchion
sat the base of the corkscrew
roller
coaster the men will clamber
from the antipodes bearing goodwill and fresh
spermatozoa scores of tadpoles kept warm
through months of blue-nut retention
swarming in anticipation of your plaintive echo
of a womb there is a baby in you yet it’s true
they will do anything these men
for the privilege
the honor the chance
to contribute yes
