There are seven references to pigs in the Bible. Four of the references (Leviticus 11:7, Deuteronomy 14:8, Matthew 7:6, and Luke 15:15) were written specifically to inform you that these porky little animals are dirty and bad. The Prodigal son, for example, knew he hit bottom when he had to take a job feeding pigs (which, let’s face it, is the biblical equivalent to working at Burger King). Along similar lines, a passage in Leviticus warns us that pigs are not to be touched because they have cloven hooves.
Basically what the Bible is telling you is if you have the urge to touch a pig you should learn to control yourself before something really bad happens. That’s why kids who belong to 4-H groups always grow up to be such losers: They spend too much time around pigs. Seriously, no matter how charming or attractive these animals may appear to be, you need to keep your hands to yourself. Here is an example of the dangers of pig handling (in a run-on sentence, no less) from Matthew 7:6: “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”
Now that is sound advice. You don’t want to be rent by a pig, do you? After all, emergency rooms across America are overflowing with people who narrowly survived serious pig rendings after they attempted to cast pearls before them. It is becoming a real strain on our health care system.
In addition to the above-mentioned pig alerts, there are three other places where these cloven-footed beasts appear in the Bible (Matthew 8:30, Mark 5:11, and Luke 8:32). These references show us a different side of our swiny friends. All three are accounts of the “Jesus and the Gang of Unruly Pigs” story.
Here’s how it goes:
Jesus was traveling along the shore when he came across a rather large man who had been forced to live among the graves. It was said that he was such a powerful man, no rope or chain could hold him. All day long he cried out, cut himself with stones, and generally did things that brought down the property values in the neighborhood.
Jesus asked this man why he was forced to live among the graves. He explained that he was possessed; That there were bad things in him that caused him to do terrible things to himself and others.
I’ll try to give you some perspective here: If this man was living in modern times, he would have a fondness for plywood lawn ornaments and monster truck rallies. Perhaps you, the reader, have someone in your neighborhood who is similarly possessed. If so, you can observe the actions Jesus took so you will know what not to do...
“What is your name?”, Jesus asked the spirit force within the man.
“Call us ‘Many’ because there are many of us in here”, the spirits replied.
Jesus, then, explained to the spirits that he was going to cast them out of the man. Resigning themselves to their fate, the spirits asked Jesus if he could at least cast them into the souls of the pigs. It was an odd request. ***Immediately after the Messiah granted this request, one thousand possessed pigs came thundering across the field, and drowned themselves in the river. Don’t you hate when that kind of thing happens?
Witnessing this porky mass suicide, a pig herder in the area ran back to town and told everyone what he saw. The townspeople didn’t believe what they heard. After all, pig herders have a tendency to be big fat liars. Wanting to investigate the situation for themselves, the townspeople banded together and rushed to the edge of the river. When they saw the bodies of the pigs and saw the possessed man acting calmly, they became frightened and ran Jesus out of town.
Can you imagine what it would be like to be one of the people who made history for chasing Jesus out of town? It would be worse than being remembered as the guy who made Mama Cass’ fatal ham sandwich or the guy who managed the Spice Girls.
So, what is the moral of this story? Pigs: Don’t trust ‘em. If they can fool the son of God they can fool you.
As a public service, I am going to take the advice in Leviticus a little farther and offer you the following guidelines for dealing with pigs:* Keep your hands and feet away from pigs at all times.* Never buy real estate or used cars from pigs.* Never sign a contractual agreement with a pig. * If a pig offers you a bite of his sandwich, decline his offer and walk quickly to your nearest pig shelter.* Never enter into a long term romantic relationship with a pig.Good luck and beware!
