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People can learn a lot by going to church. Me? As a youth I learned how to sneak out of a crowded mass without being detected by my parents. I also learned about swearing from the performance my father gave every Sunday when he and the entire congregation tried to pull out of the church driveway at the same time.
I’m not terribly religious. My grandmother, on the other hand, was promiscuous with religion. I guess grandma felt that if she gave money to enough religious groups she would be guaranteed a spot in Heaven, where she could prevent my long-dead grandfather from getting laid. Grandma was, perhaps, the only person who could turn my Grandfather’s stay in Heaven into a living hell.
That’s why Grandma wasn’t afraid of death. She simply imagined Heaven as a place with an unlimited supply of knitting needles, Kleenex, pork rinds, and all the other luxuries that made her life on Earth so remarkable. To Grandma the afterlife was sort of like a time-share condo deal.
I, on the other hand, want a God who I can afford. That’s why I’m hoping to come across one who is too well off to need my money. For example, I’m waiting impatiently for Jesus to come back to do some book signings. I think he could make a fortune collecting the royalties from that “Bible” thing. No, technically he didn’t actually write the Bible but, hey, Nancy Reagan didn’t write her autobiography and she still gets royalties. Besides, even if the royalty deal falls through, Jesus could make a lot of money doing talk shows and product endorsements. In fact, with a lot of hard work, a few convincing infomercials, and the right public relations crew, Jesus could eventually be more popular than the Beatles. Imagine that.
Religion, after all, is a lot like capitalism. Look at those Born Again Christians, for Christ’s sake. These people are the Amway salesmen of religion. I found that the only way to get them off my back is to agree with them.Born Again person: Excuse me, have you given your soul, your life, and 38% of your taxable income to our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ?Me: Absolutely!Born Again person: ...You.....you have?......Me: Sure! Keep up the good work, brother!Born Again person: ...You have not!......have you?...
I once had a co-worker, Steve, who urged me to become Born Again. I explained to him that my mother would never go for the idea. She is still having second thoughts about letting me be born the first time. Besides, I imagine that it would be much more painful for her the second time around, seeing as how I have grown considerably since my first birth.
Steve eventually began to lose interest in his religion when he tried to call Jesus collect from a pay phone and Jesus refused to accept the charges. Disappointed, he married a contortionist and left the church. Apparently, Steve decided that he preferred hugging, kissing, and other forms of violence to the security of everlasting life in paradise. It made sense to me.
People do a lot of strange and gruesome things in the name of religion. If they aren’t cutting off the ends of their children’s penises or throwing virgins into volcanoes they are watching the 700 Club. It’s almost enough to make me pray to God that there isn’t a God.
Despite my discomfort with religion, I have to confess that I am fascinated by Amish people. In fact, I have been thinking about building a house right in the heart of Amish country. All I really know about these people is that they have a belief system that requires them to wear those “invisible pedestrian” outfits in order to keep nighttime motorists on their toes. They also swear off modern technology like refrigerators, electric lights, and all the other tools of Satan that lead to eternal damnation.
To be honest, the only reason I am interested in the Amish people is because I think they would be easy to manipulate. I can make them think that I have magic powers by performing a few miracles (for example, I could work an electric can opener or a lava lamp in front of them). Once they are convinced that I am a god of some sort they will have to do all kinds of absurd things to appease me. Pretty cool, huh?
My only concern about moving to Amish country is that you never know what the neighborhood will be like five years down the road. Will I be able to keep up with that fast-paced, swinging Amish lifestyle? Will the neighborhood become overrun with Amish crack houses? It’s so hard to say.
Anyway, I guess the Amish people think that all this hard work and self-denial will result in an eternal stay in paradise. What do you suppose the Amish people think paradise is like? Do they imagine Heaven as a place with lots of cows? What a raw deal. What’s the point in living a life of hard work and self-denial if the only reward is an eternity of more hard work and self-denial?
I would rather go to Amish hell. What do the Amish people think hell is like anyway? I’ll bet there aren’t any cows there. I mean, what could a cow possibly do that would result in an eternal stay in hell? It isn’t like they can take the Lord’s name in vain or anything (unless, of course, the Lord’s name happens to be “Moo”).
Maybe they picture hell as a place where there is a lot of wild sex, wanton fast food consumption, and the unruly use of toasters, microwaves, and other unholy electrical appliances. I don’t know.
I assume that Amish hell is very different from the hell that my Catholic grandparents used to talk about. The way I understand it, Catholics aren’t allowed to use contraception because they are supposed to have a lot of kids. Why do they want a lot of kids? So they can get a taste of hell years before they actually die.
I think religion is basically a lot of people wishing that they had control over the uncontrollable (it’s a lot like being a parent). What would this world be like if all our wishes came true, though? I know what this world would be like if all my wishes came true. I would tell you about it but my therapist has recommended that I keep my mouth shut until after I meet with the Grand Jury. Stay tuned...
