A NOTE ON EMBRACING OFFICERS OF LAW ENFORCEMENT
Matthew Lee Bain
They wear blue, and they hate you, unless you’re one of them. However, that’s no reason to get upset. Policemen do so much for us. Just allow me a chance to give some prime examples and reasons why we should give every single hog a hug.
1. They provide comical entertainment that spans many networks and cable channels with their self-styled show “Cops.”
“Cops,” a half-hour program of hilarious antics, should not be missed. Herein, we lowly civilians can watch and thrill as policemen slap the cuffs on gold-toofed comedians and missing-toofed hillbillies. Of course this isn’t reality; these officers present quite a respectable affectation since they know they’re being filmed and since they’re dealing with relatives.
2. I, for one, cannot get enough of police in riot gear breaking up peaceful assemblies. Clap as riot police slap innocents unmercifully with billyclubs! Guffaw as riot police tear-gas calm and lawful citizens for expressing their own personal opinions! Roll with laughter as the bullies in blue spray the undeserving crowd with a fusillade of rubber bullets! Wee! In this symbiotic relationship, we the people learn that we should not express our political/philosophical views in a nonviolent manner and the police gain an outlet for their sociopathic aggression. Everyone wins!
3. Law enforcement is often forgotten for their help in domesticity. Who would ever be able to settle their differences without the police kicking in their door? No one, I say. Patrolmen become our adopted parents, the guardians we never had, explaining the do’s and don’ts of interdependence.
4. If you’re anything like me, you just can’t wait for an unreasonable search and seizure! Either while you walk down the street or while you reside comfortably in your own home. That’s right! They can take or do whatever they want in your own house, or they can stop you on the street, frisk you and basically rob you of whatever they deem unlawful. All they need to possess is probable cause and reasonable suspicion. No warrant is necessitated. Throw that pesky Fourth Amendment out the window. That way, they can take whatever they want as evidence of a supposed crime. Sure, there isn’t any legal precedent behind most of the theft they engage in, but who’s the judge going to believe, you or them? Don’t be disrespectful, or you’ll get a blackjack to the back of the head. Obey!
5. Freedom of speech? Who needs it. The right to bear arms? Who needs it. These are frivolities that no one in this utopian society really needs, and officers of the law give us negative reinforcement for our own good to remind us of that. Don’t dare speak your mind to a policeman! There are laws against that! No, not in the constitution, but obey anyway.
Come to think of it, just start kowtowing even when you see a patrolmen; better safe than sorry. Aside from that, all I have to say in finality of this piece, is that everyone, everywhere should embrace law enforcement. No, not just their rules and regulations that shred our civil liberties but they themselves. That’s right! I want everyone out there to hug a cop today! At first, he might point a white, powdered sugar-covered finger in your direction and tell you to halt, but you must advance! Make him understand your true affections for his uniform, and his badge, and his total domination of your pitiful civilian self. Make him comprehend that love is all you have to share with him; once his guard is down, you may embrace him. Pat his back a little to make him feel more comfortable about the situation. Then, with your left hand, pull the stiletto out of your right shirt sleeve, and stab it deep into the back of his neck. Do not attempt to slash the carotid artery! This would make his death and suffering minimal. You want to get the tip of the blade to pop right through the front of his throat. Center it so that you puncture the esophagus; twist it. Embrace him in your arms as he shakes and shits himself. Take out his mace and give him a little spray just for fun. It’s a vis-à-vis confrontation after all, so it’s quite evenhanded compared to their tactics (employing four people to savagely beat an unarmed speeder, ass-fucking minorities with plungers, etc.). So feel good about yourself, and have fun with it! That’s one less pig off the streets.
