The greatest story ever told
I.B. Rad
The bible’s a marvelous book
a magnum opus, they say,
but as for factual history,
the word of some divine;
well, who’s to know?
And so I’ve spun my trifling tale
on how things might have been
from a novel perspective.
So then, cherished reader,
if you’re still receptive,
I hope you’ll find my verse
amusing and effective:
Joseph, “Why couldn’t our son
have grown up like other lads,
dying to be a Roman legionnaire,
a Sanhedrin , or, god willing,
even a money changer!?
Instead, we’re poor as church mice
while our otherworldly seed
only has eyes for
lepers and whores!”
Mary, “Remember how I birthed him
in that godforsaken manger
where he lay mewling
on ox turds and straw;
until three wise guys chanced by
and, after a flatulent platitude or two
about self help and personal responsibility,
threw a few shekels our way.
Well, it’s all been downhill from there!
You’d think he’d use his prodigal talents
to sweet talk some noblewoman
into marrying him.
But oh no! His sole concern
is that, being “the son of God,”
he’s got to keep up appearances
by saving humanity.
Joseph, “Well, you know who he got that from!
Remember, when I’d been gone for some time
laboring as an itinerant carpenter
and, on my return,
I found you swollen like a melon.
Then, as if that weren’t enough,
when I demanded,
‘Who begot that little mishap!?,’
you ranted, I shouldn’t touch you
because your little soon-to-be
was the son of God
and you were a holy virgin
- after you’d been sleeping with me for years!
Remember, how I straightaway cudgeled you
within an inch of your life!
Well, now you know who he takes after!”
Mary, “But they say our holy godsend’s
accomplished miracles;
that he’s made paraplegic’s walk,
blind men see,
transmuted water to wine,
even bested the devil!”
Joseph, “You know how legends grow.
Let a “saint” belch
and, as history will have it,
‘he bellowed thunder and lightening.’
Besides, I’m tired of hearing
all that bush league miracles crap.
If he’s really the son of God
why doesn’t he perform
the greatest miracle of all,
making poor folks rich!
Surely, one thing’s certain,
his untimely preaching
could get us crucified!
Instead of teaching him
to treat others
like he’d like to be treated,
we’d all have been better off
if you’d schooled him
in life’s true golden rule;
plainly, ‘Do unto others
before they do unto you!’”
