All’s Fair
John Bruni
The Idea comes out of nowhere. One moment I’m sitting in the bathroom, holding my mop against my shoulder, ready to jump up and pretend I’m working should my supervisor enter, and the next, I realize: She’d love me if I saved her life.
Yes. It would have to be like that. Women always fall in love and have sex with men who save their lives in the movies. I’m not an idiot; I know not everything in movies is real, but something about this situation rings true.
But how can I save her life? I can’t be around her 24/7, and even if I could, it’s not like there’s a lot of people out there who want to kill her.
But what if I put her life in danger? Not my directly, but what if I could get someone to try and kill her? Or better yet, to rape her? Her shift is up at midnight. It’s not inconceivable. And since I get off at the same time, I could just be walking by, and whoops! There’s a guy trying to rape her! Never fear--Andy Chantelle’s here! I’ll save her, and she’ll let me have sex with her!
Bur who could I get to try and rape her? None of my friends would do it. Besides, she might recognize one of them. It would have to be a stranger, a professional. But I have no connections.
Or do I? My brother got out of jail a month ago. It’s not impossible for him to know someone. You have to make friends in jail, right? Or you will get the business end of a shank or a shaft. I’ve seen movies....
As I punch out, I try to start a conversation with her. She just says goodnight, like everyone else.
I masturbate, thinking about her twinkling eyes and dimpled smile, wondering what her touch would be like. “Soon,” I whisper. “Soon, you’ll be in this bed with me, and then I can feel you whenever I want.”
The next day, I call up my brother, Frito. He’s not Latino; he just like Fritos a lot. His real name is Donald, but no one calls him that.
“S’up, brah?” he asks. He’s white.
“I need a favor, Frito. I need to talk with...have a meet with someone who can get things done.”
“I can do stuff, knowumsayin?”
“No, I mean illegal things.”
“Jesus, Andy! You better not be on no cell phone, a’ight?”
“Nope. No cell phones. So, do you know someone?From pr...from Inside?”
“You fo’ real?”
“Most certainly.”
“I might know someone. Gimmie an hour. I’ll call you back a’ight?”
Frito gets back to me thirty-two minutes later. “You know a place called Paco’s Taco Bar?”
“I think I’ve driven past it before. Isn’t it on 25th?”
“Truth. Be there at seven, a’ight? Bring two large.”
“Sure. Is that two hundred?”
He sighs. “Two thousand.”
“Okay.”
“Coo’. Peace out, brah.”
I don’t know why Frito wants me to meet with his brother, but I smell money. Frito says two grand just to listen to the guy, and that’s cool. I need the money, and if the offer’s too heavy, I’ll split.
I make it to Paco’s an hour early, like Mike always taught me. It’s a thinly disguised whorehouse. I’ve been here ten minutes, and three women already offered me their rates.
Frito’s brother is here at seven sharp. He looks just like Frito said: short, skinny, mid-length blond hair combed to one side, very conspicuous birthmark on his throat. Very white.
I call out his name: “Andy!”
He turns, wide-eyed, looking for whoever called him. He looks kind of like a lost child like that. Definitely not a player.
I raise my hand and beckon him to my table. He approaches without even stopping at the bar.
“Are you Frito’s friend?” he asks.
“Yeah. Have a seat, gimmie my two large, and say your piece.”
“Half now, half when I’m done talking.” As if he’s trying to be a player.
“This ain’t TV. Gimmie the money, or I walk.”
“But what if you leave...walk anyway?”
“What kid of businessman do you think I am? Listening for me is an investment. I sacrifice some of my time. If what I hear sucks, well, I’m out, what, a half hour at the most? If I like your offer, I stand to make more coin. Get it?”
He hands me the two grand under the table. I sigh, take the cheddar from the envelope, and count it in front of him. It’s all there.
“Okay,” I say, “now talk.”
“There’s this girl I work with,” he says. “I love her, but she won’t even give me the time of day.” He pauses, as if he expects me to say something, or nod. I do neither, and he continues. “The way I see it...figure it, the only way she’ll love me back is if I save her life. That’s where you come in.”
He pauses. Still I say nothing.
“She gets off work at midnight, just like me. The parking lot’s pretty dark. I want you to jump her and try to rape her at knife point. Then, I’ll swoop in, attack from behind, and send you running away. I’ll be the hero, and she’ll fall in love with me.” He grins, and I can tell he’s thinking about sex. “What do you think?”
I sigh. “This plan sounds ridiculous. Have you ever thought of asking her out?”
“Uh...well, kind of. The idea scares me half to death.”
“And this plan of yours doesn’t scare you?”
“No,” he says immediately. “It’s a sure thing.”
“It’s a stupid thing. Very risky.”
“I’ll pay you money.”
“You look like the two large you gave me was all you had.” Not really, but it’s a good way to get a feel for how much a guy has. They usually retort, “Oh yeah? Well, I got a hundred thou in the bank. How bout that?”
Andy doesn’t. “I make good tips at the restaurant. Besides, I’ve been saving a lot of money.”
“You got a hundred grand?” I ask. It’s worth a shot.
He pales. “But, that’s too much.”
“It’s a risky plan, and it’s me taking all the risks.”
“Fifty thousand dollars,” he says.
“Ninety.”
“Sixty?”
“I don’t like it, but I’ve get a soft spot for forlorn lovers. Eighty large.”
Sixty five, for pretending to rape a girl? It’s good coin for five minutes worth or work, but I’d be screwed of the cops showed up. Why would that happen? Sure, this guy will call the cops, but I’d be long gone by then. He doesn’t want to be implicated. That would mess up his romantic plan.
“Deal.”
“Half up front?” he asks.
“Sure. You got it on you?”
“I’ll get it. Thirty-two, five. Where can I meet you?”
“Here. I’ll wait.”
He goes for it. I don’t know his name, and I’m out of pocket thirty-two thousand, five hundred dollars, but she’ll be mine by the end of the week!
I go to the bank, and I show my ID so I can listen to the manager bemoan the large loss of his pleas for me to leave the money in the bank. I take the briefcase I bought, put the money in, and head back to the Taco Bar.
There, I’ll tell him my plan.
Mike sits in his usual spot at the back booth, smoking and drinking his usual Jack and Coke, heavy ice.
“Hey, Mike. What’s happenin’, bro?” I slide in across from him.
“Not a lot,” he says. “You look happy. Getting any?”
“Yeah, but that’s not a big deal. I got money. A job.”
“You need me in?”
I waved my hand. “Nah, but thanks. It’s an easy, one man job.”
“No job’s easy. I taught you better than that.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I roll my eyes before I tell him about the job. When I’m done, I say, “See? Easy.”
“No, it’s stupid. Are you insane?”
“It’s easy money, Mike. Besides, you’re the one always on my ass about the hundred I owe you over the Super Bowl.”
“I’ll cancel the debt,” he says. “Don’t do it.”
“I already got his money. And he’s got my word.”
“What’s he gonna do, go to the cops? ‘Hello, Officer, I gave this guy thirty-two grand to rape the girl I want, and he made off with my money.’ See?”
“What did I say? I have morals. They’re twisted, but I have them.”
“An honorable thief?” Mike laughs. “Gonna throw in a hooker with a heart of gold? All’s Fair
John Bruni
The Idea comes out of nowhere. One moment I’m sitting in the bathroom, holding my mop against my shoulder, ready to jump up and pretend I’m working should my supervisor enter, and the next, I realize: She’d love me if I saved her life.
Yes. It would have to be like that. Women always fall in love and have sex with men who save their lives in the movies. I’m not an idiot; I know not everything in movies is real, but something about this situation rings true.
But how can I save her life? I can’t be around her 24/7, and even if I could, it’s not like there’s a lot of people out there who want to kill her.
But what if I put her life in danger? Not my directly, but what if I could get someone to try and kill her? Or better yet, to rape her? Her shift is up at midnight. It’s not inconceivable. And since I get off at the same time, I could just be walking by, and whoops! There’s a guy trying to rape her! Never fear--Andy Chantelle’s here! I’ll save her, and she’ll let me have sex with her!
Bur who could I get to try and rape her? None of my friends would do it. Besides, she might recognize one of them. It would have to be a stranger, a professional. But I have no connections.
Or do I? My brother got out of jail a month ago. It’s not impossible for him to know someone. You have to make friends in jail, right? Or you will get the business end of a shank or a shaft. I’ve seen movies....
As I punch out, I try to start a conversation with her. She just says goodnight, like everyone else.
I masturbate, thinking about her twinkling eyes and dimpled smile, wondering what her touch would be like. “Soon,” I whisper. “Soon, you’ll be in this bed with me, and then I can feel you whenever I want.”
The next day, I call up my brother, Frito. He’s not Latino; he just like Fritos a lot. His real name is Donald, but no one calls him that.
“S’up, brah?” he asks. He’s white.
“I need a favor, Frito. I need to talk with...have a meet with someone who can get things done.”
“I can do stuff, knowumsayin?”
“No, I mean illegal things.”
“Jesus, Andy! You better not be on no cell phone, a’ight?”
“Nope. No cell phones. So, do you know someone?From pr...from Inside?”
“You fo’ real?”
“Most certainly.”
“I might know someone. Gimmie an hour. I’ll call you back a’ight?”
Frito gets back to me thirty-two minutes later. “You know a place called Paco’s Taco Bar?”
“I think I’ve driven past it before. Isn’t it on 25th?”
“Truth. Be there at seven, a’ight? Bring two large.”
“Sure. Is that two hundred?”
He sighs. “Two thousand.”
“Okay.”
“Coo’. Peace out, brah.”
I don’t know why Frito wants me to meet with his brother, but I smell money. Frito says two grand just to listen to the guy, and that’s cool. I need the money, and if the offer’s too heavy, I’ll split.
I make it to Paco’s an hour early, like Mike always taught me. It’s a thinly disguised whorehouse. I’ve been here ten minutes, and three women already offered me their rates.
Frito’s brother is here at seven sharp. He looks just like Frito said: short, skinny, mid-length blond hair combed to one side, very conspicuous birthmark on his throat. Very white.
I call out his name: “Andy!”
He turns, wide-eyed, looking for whoever called him. He looks kind of like a lost child like that. Definitely not a player.
I raise my hand and beckon him to my table. He approaches without even stopping at the bar.
“Are you Frito’s friend?” he asks.
“Yeah. Have a seat, gimmie my two large, and say your piece.”
“Half now, half when I’m done talking.” As if he’s trying to be a player.
“This ain’t TV. Gimmie the money, or I walk.”
“But what if you leave...walk anyway?”
“What kid of businessman do you think I am? Listening for me is an investment. I sacrifice some of my time. If what I hear sucks, well, I’m out, what, a half hour at the most? If I like your offer, I stand to make more coin. Get it?”
He hands me the two grand under the table. I sigh, take the cheddar from the envelope, and count it in front of him. It’s all there.
“Okay,” I say, “now talk.”
“There’s this girl I work with,” he says. “I love her, but she won’t even give me the time of day.” He pauses, as if he expects me to say something, or nod. I do neither, and he continues. “The way I see it...figure it, the only way she’ll love me back is if I save her life. That’s where you come in.”
He pauses. Still I say nothing.
“She gets off work at midnight, just like me. The parking lot’s pretty dark. I want you to jump her and try to rape her at knife point. Then, I’ll swoop in, attack from behind, and send you running away. I’ll be the hero, and she’ll fall in love with me.” He grins, and I can tell he’s thinking about sex. “What do you think?”
I sigh. “This plan sounds ridiculous. Have you ever thought of asking her out?”
“Uh...well, kind of. The idea scares me half to death.”
“And this plan of yours doesn’t scare you?”
“No,” he says immediately. “It’s a sure thing.”
“It’s a stupid thing. Very risky.”
“I’ll pay you money.”
“You look like the two large you gave me was all you had.” Not really, but it’s a good way to get a feel for how much a guy has. They usually retort, “Oh yeah? Well, I got a hundred thou in the bank. How bout that?”
Andy doesn’t. “I make good tips at the restaurant. Besides, I’ve been saving a lot of money.”
“You got a hundred grand?” I ask. It’s worth a shot.
He pales. “But, that’s too much.”
“It’s a risky plan, and it’s me taking all the risks.”
“Fifty thousand dollars,” he says.
“Ninety.”
“Sixty?”
“I don’t like it, but I’ve get a soft spot for forlorn lovers. Eighty large.”
Sixty five, for pretending to rape a girl? It’s good coin for five minutes worth or work, but I’d be screwed of the cops showed up. Why would that happen? Sure, this guy will call the cops, but I’d be long gone by then. He doesn’t want to be implicated. That would mess up his romantic plan.
“Deal.”
“Half up front?” he asks.
“Sure. You got it on you?”
“I’ll get it. Thirty-two, five. Where can I meet you?”
“Here. I’ll wait.”
He goes for it. I don’t know his name, and I’m out of pocket thirty-two thousand, five hundred dollars, but she’ll be mine by the end of the week!
I go to the bank, and I show my ID so I can listen to the manager bemoan the large loss of his pleas for me to leave the money in the bank. I take the briefcase I bought, put the money in, and head back to the Taco Bar.
There, I’ll tell him my plan.
Mike sits in his usual spot at the back booth, smoking and drinking his usual Jack and Coke, heavy ice.
“Hey, Mike. What’s happenin’, bro?” I slide in across from him.
“Not a lot,” he says. “You look happy. Getting any?”
“Yeah, but that’s not a big deal. I got money. A job.”
“You need me in?”
I waved my hand. “Nah, but thanks. It’s an easy, one man job.”
“No job’s easy. I taught you better than that.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I roll my eyes before I tell him about the job. When I’m done, I say, “See? Easy.”
“No, it’s stupid. Are you insane?”
“It’s easy money, Mike. Besides, you’re the one always on my ass about the hundred I owe you over the Super Bowl.”
“I’ll cancel the debt,” he says. “Don’t do it.”
“I already got his money. And he’s got my word.”
“What’s he gonna do, go to the cops? ‘Hello, Officer, I gave this guy thirty-two grand to rape the girl I want, and he made off with my money.’ See?”
“What did I say? I have morals. They’re twisted, but I have them.”
“Here’s your hundred, by the way.” I slide a Ben Franklin to him, just ot shut him up.
“I said, keep it. All’s Fair
John Bruni
The Idea comes out of nowhere. One moment I’m sitting in the bathroom, holding my mop against my shoulder, ready to jump up and pretend I’m working should my supervisor enter, and the next, I realize: She’d love me if I saved her life.
Yes. It would have to be like that. Women always fall in love and have sex with men who save their lives in the movies. I’m not an idiot; I know not everything in movies is real, but something about this situation rings true.
But how can I save her life? I can’t be around her 24/7, and even if I could, it’s not like there’s a lot of people out there who want to kill her.
But what if I put her life in danger? Not my directly, but what if I could get someone to try and kill her? Or better yet, to rape her? Her shift is up at midnight. It’s not inconceivable. And since I get off at the same time, I could just be walking by, and whoops! There’s a guy trying to rape her! Never fear--Andy Chantelle’s here! I’ll save her, and she’ll let me have sex with her!
Bur who could I get to try and rape her? None of my friends would do it. Besides, she might recognize one of them. It would have to be a stranger, a professional. But I have no connections.
Or do I? My brother got out of jail a month ago. It’s not impossible for him to know someone. You have to make friends in jail, right? Or you will get the business end of a shank or a shaft. I’ve seen movies....
As I punch out, I try to start a conversation with her. She just says goodnight, like everyone else.
I masturbate, thinking about her twinkling eyes and dimpled smile, wondering what her touch would be like. “Soon,” I whisper. “Soon, you’ll be in this bed with me, and then I can feel you whenever I want.”
The next day, I call up my brother, Frito. He’s not Latino; he just like Fritos a lot. His real name is Donald, but no one calls him that.
“S’up, brah?” he asks. He’s white.
“I need a favor, Frito. I need to talk with...have a meet with someone who can get things done.”
“I can do stuff, knowumsayin?”
“No, I mean illegal things.”
“Jesus, Andy! You better not be on no cell phone, a’ight?”
“Nope. No cell phones. So, do you know someone?From pr...from Inside?”
“You fo’ real?”
“Most certainly.”
“I might know someone. Gimmie an hour. I’ll call you back a’ight?”
Frito gets back to me thirty-two minutes later. “You know a place called Paco’s Taco Bar?”
“I think I’ve driven past it before. Isn’t it on 25th?”
“Truth. Be there at seven, a’ight? Bring two large.”
“Sure. Is that two hundred?”
He sighs. “Two thousand.”
“Okay.”
“Coo’. Peace out, brah.”
I don’t know why Frito wants me to meet with his brother, but I smell money. Frito says two grand just to listen to the guy, and that’s cool. I need the money, and if the offer’s too heavy, I’ll split.
I make it to Paco’s an hour early, like Mike always taught me. It’s a thinly disguised whorehouse. I’ve been here ten minutes, and three women already offered me their rates.
Frito’s brother is here at seven sharp. He looks just like Frito said: short, skinny, mid-length blond hair combed to one side, very conspicuous birthmark on his throat. Very white.
I call out his name: “Andy!”
He turns, wide-eyed, looking for whoever called him. He looks kind of like a lost child like that. Definitely not a player.
I raise my hand and beckon him to my table. He approaches without even stopping at the bar.
“Are you Frito’s friend?” he asks.
“Yeah. Have a seat, gimmie my two large, and say your piece.”
“Half now, half when I’m done talking.” As if he’s trying to be a player.
“This ain’t TV. Gimmie the money, or I walk.”
“But what if you leave...walk anyway?”
“What kid of businessman do you think I am? Listening for me is an investment. I sacrifice some of my time. If what I hear sucks, well, I’m out, what, a half hour at the most? If I like your offer, I stand to make more coin. Get it?”
He hands me the two grand under the table. I sigh, take the cheddar from the envelope, and count it in front of him. It’s all there.
“Okay,” I say, “now talk.”
“There’s this girl I work with,” he says. “I love her, but she won’t even give me the time of day.” He pauses, as if he expects me to say something, or nod. I do neither, and he continues. “The way I see it...figure it, the only way she’ll love me back is if I save her life. That’s where you come in.”
He pauses. Still I say nothing.
“She gets off work at midnight, just like me. The parking lot’s pretty dark. I want you to jump her and try to rape her at knife point. Then, I’ll swoop in, attack from behind, and send you running away. I’ll be the hero, and she’ll fall in love with me.” He grins, and I can tell he’s thinking about sex. “What do you think?”
I sigh. “This plan sounds ridiculous. Have you ever thought of asking her out?”
“Uh...well, kind of. The idea scares me half to death.”
“And this plan of yours doesn’t scare you?”
“No,” he says immediately. “It’s a sure thing.”
“It’s a stupid thing. Very risky.”
“I’ll pay you money.”
“You look like the two large you gave me was all you had.” Not really, but it’s a good way to get a feel for how much a guy has. They usually retort, “Oh yeah? Well, I got a hundred thou in the bank. How bout that?”
Andy doesn’t. “I make good tips at the restaurant. Besides, I’ve been saving a lot of money.”
“You got a hundred grand?” I ask. It’s worth a shot.
He pales. “But, that’s too much.”
“It’s a risky plan, and it’s me taking all the risks.”
“Fifty thousand dollars,” he says.
“Ninety.”
“Sixty?”
“I don’t like it, but I’ve get a soft spot for forlorn lovers. Eighty large.”
Sixty five, for pretending to rape a girl? It’s good coin for five minutes worth or work, but I’d be screwed of the cops showed up. Why would that happen? Sure, this guy will call the cops, but I’d be long gone by then. He doesn’t want to be implicated. That would mess up his romantic plan.
“Deal.”
“Half up front?” he asks.
“Sure. You got it on you?”
“I’ll get it. Thirty-two, five. Where can I meet you?”
“Here. I’ll wait.”
He goes for it. I don’t know his name, and I’m out of pocket thirty-two thousand, five hundred dollars, but she’ll be mine by the end of the week!
I go to the bank, and I show my ID so I can listen to the manager bemoan the large loss of his pleas for me to leave the money in the bank. I take the briefcase I bought, put the money in, and head back to the Taco Bar.
There, I’ll tell him my plan.
Mike sits in his usual spot at the back booth, smoking and drinking his usual Jack and Coke, heavy ice.
“Hey, Mike. What’s happenin’, bro?” I slide in across from him.
“Not a lot,” he says. “You look happy. Getting any?”
“Yeah, but that’s not a big deal. I got money. A job.”
“You need me in?”
I waved my hand. “Nah, but thanks. It’s an easy, one man job.”
“No job’s easy. I taught you better than that.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I roll my eyes before I tell him about the job. When I’m done, I say, “See? Easy.”
“No, it’s stupid. Are you insane?”
“It’s easy money, Mike. Besides, you’re the one always on my ass about the hundred I owe you over the Super Bowl.”
“I’ll cancel the debt,” he says. “Don’t do it.”
“I already got his money. And he’s got my word.”
“What’s he gonna do, go to the cops? ‘Hello, Officer, I gave this guy thirty-two grand to rape the girl I want, and he made off with my money.’ See?”
“What did I say? I have morals. They’re twisted, but I have them.”
“Honorable thief.” I point to my chest.
He sighs, and takes it. “Gimmie the details, just in case things go wrong.”
That’s why I came to see him, so I can tell him. Just in case.
Tonight’s the night. I stretch the nervousness out of my legs, arms, and stomach, but the jitters remain. I look at the clock: five minutes to quitting time. Five minutes? Easily an eternity.
After we’re done cleaning the tables, we all get in line to punch out. “Doing anything good for the weekend?” I ask her.
“The usual,” she says without looking at me. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.” I can’t wait to touch her breasts. They’re big.
I give her a half minutes before I head out the door. I can still see her, walking toward her car on the other side of the parking lot. Her jacket is shiny, and her butt swings very nicely. I wonder how hard it is. It looks quite muscular.
I grab the baseball bat I left by the dumpster and wait, watching her glow.
Here we go, the moment of action. This isn’t the first time I was hired to do something to someone, but I still feel the butterflies. It’s just a feeling that never goes away.
I clench the knife in my hand, crouching behind the car. An Accord, just like Andy said. I can see the employee door, and from it come a handful of people. Only one wears a shiny jacket, and she matches the description: long blonde hair, perfect complexion, great tits, and a pair of hips that suggest a helluvan ass.
Here she comes.
Andy’s plan is to hit me from behind. I’m not worried. I’ve taken my share of punches, and Andy doesn’t look very strong. Easy money.
I leap out at her, pressing the blade to her throat and dragging her to the ground. She gets a short scream out before I clamp my hand over her mouth.
“Shut up or I’ll kill you!” I hiss. “You’re cute enough to rape dead, get me?”
She starts sobbing quietly as I fumble with her belt buckle. Her crotch is warm, and although I’m not into rape, I am a but aroused. I wouldn’t actually do it, though. That’s sick
Her pants are down, and I’m working my zipper, and Andy still isn’t there. What the h--
--ell you think you’re doing?” I scream as I bring the baseball bat down on his head as hard as I can. I hear the skull crack loudly, and he falls limp. I kick him off her and see her...uh...her vagina. It’s pretty and smooth. I wonder what it tastes like.
“Andy!” she cries. “Thank God it’s you! You saved me!”
She pulls up her pants and hugs me crying in my chest. Frito’s friend isn’t moving, not even to breathe. The dark puddle spread around his head quickly. Dead, just like I hoped. I have to give the cops someone, after all.
Too bad I can’t get my money back, but it’s worth feeling her breasts like pillows against me.
I smile.
I’ve been watching them for a month. I still can’t believe that stupid job worked. Andy and Allie got married (Allie had to get rid of her old boyfriend first), less than three weeks after he busted my brother’s head in and was called a hero in the papers. I have their routines down perfectly. Andy is like clockwork, though Allie can be off sometimes.
Regardless, they’re both home by one in the morning. They live on the ground floor of an apartment building.
Arson is easy for me, and in such a big complex, think of all the motives the cops will drive themselves crazy over.
There are just some things a man shouldn’t do to get laid, and Andy did one of these things. I hope he enjoyed it.
Actually, I don’t.
This is for you, Eddie. Rest easy.
