Devil’s Sport
Jim Sullivam
Would American be willing to give up bowling if they knew how much trouble it has caused mankind? Probably not. Don’t people realize that this is the devil’s own evil game? Just how many Americans have to die or be seriously injured and maimed before folks wake up to bowling’s dangers?
Keglers are dying in alleys, left and right, across this country. Bowlers are getting hit in the head when aiming their balls, falling in the alleys, and generally being embarrassed and humiliated with gutter balls and impossible splits to the point where some of these folks think their lives are no longer worth living.
None of this should shock anyone. Bowling is, after all, Beelzebub’s game. He invented it; he controls it. Sure, he’ll let you, or anyone else for that matter, play. Satan will even let you make a strike every once in a while at the alley. And he’ll let you pick up that difficult 7 -- 10 split for a spare on the rare occasion. But you’ll pay a terrible price for the success.
First, it might just be your back that hurts from bowling. Or it could be the matter of a slipped disc or a touch of lumbago, not to mention arthritis. Then it’s falling on the alley floor. Oh, a mere twisted knee, a sprained ankle, or the disjointed hip will be all you’ll have to contend with. Soon, however, your bones are breaking, your eyesight is getting obscured, and your hearing is going bad. Then will come the day when you will get one or more digits stuck in your bowling ball. If that isn’t hell, nothing is!
Physical removal from that equipment requires lubricants. Your pinkies will soon ache. They could also be injured in the process. Gangrene could set in. The next thing you know, you cannot count to ten without using your toes.
The worst problem, though, will be that you can no longer bowl. Of course, you could if you switched hands. That’ll work. But you’ll have to reorient yourself to the game. And that’ll put you out of sorts like nothing else will. You’ll have to virtually learn the game all over. The immediate results could be more pains, more sprains, or the daily use of a cane. You’re hobbling now, mister or missus. But still you don’t quit bowling, do you? Apparently you’ve got something to prove to loved ones and to yourself.
While you’re doing that, you’ll look awful to family and friends. But they won’t tell you this. Just know that they don’t want to be seen with you. And why would they? You’ll be absolutely embarrassing to them out in public, let alone in private.
Soon you’ll have insomnia.
And all you’ll think about, night and day, is you deteriorating bowling game. Your average has probably sunk to less than 100. Leagues no longer ask you to join. Bowling chaplain’s come to your door to offer prayers and consolation. Soon, Girl Scouts quit selling you their cookies. Halloweeners don’t knock at your door. The neighborhood parents warn their kids to keep quiet so they won’t disturb that sick person who lives up at your house -- you!
Of course, it’s at this point when the devil makes some of his best deals. He’ll heal anyone or anything that hurts, pay prize money, and generally make one fully capable of successfully playing his trade at his bowling alley. But there’s a cost involved. And Satan will be calling in his deal before you realize it. Sure, he’ll let you have a perfect or near perfect game when the situation calls for it. Your average may improve to the 250 or 280 level in some cases. You body will become an object of bowling alley grace and poise, too. And people will point you out and talk you up. They’ll introduce you to their spouses and kids. They’ll even want your autograph and to have their photo taken with you.
But, remember, the day of reckoning is at hand. At any moment, you can be pulled out of the lineup. And the Dark Angel will issue you a summons, In the form of a heart attack, a stroke, or, a smack on the head while you’re sighting you bowling ball down the alley. So, beware! And stay alert! Any of those afflictions mentioned can really smart!
This friendly warning is for men and women, boys and girks alike. Yes, bowling babies, bowling beauties, and just plain bowling bodies have a thing or two to worry about.
Bowling might seem at first glance to be a mild-mannered sport of tossing a ball down a slick alley to knock ten pins down. What coyld be more fun or simpler? The best advice that could be issued is to have kids and adults, particularly those without formal educations, stay away from this so-called game.
It’ll take you in, suck up your funds, grab your health, and remove your freedom. And before you realize it, you’ll be signing a pact with Mr. Scratch, too. This would be a wrong move.
On the other hand, if you plan on winning your league’s playoffs, succeeding at tournaments, or bowling for dollars, signing with the devil may be the only way to go. After all, your competitors have probably already inked their special pacts with you know who. What’s more, bowling alley owners, to obtain the needed money to pay their business, purchase all those extra bowling shoes, and invest in numerous bowling balls had to come up with the wherewithal from somewhere. You can just imagine where they got it!
So bowlers, watch your step!
