Danny Spokes started up his Rodeo, and backed out of his parking spot in front of the Vitamin Cottage. Pammy is going to get a kick out of this, he thought, remembering the strange incident that had just occurred at the counter, while he was buying a new bottle of vitamin C.
At home, he called out, and Pammy answered from the bathroom. Kitchen smells good, he thought, she must have made supper again. They had been seeing each other for six months now, and living together for two weeks. They were kinda like newly weds-- ‘He brought home the bacon, she fried it up in a pan, and never-ever let him forget he was a man’....He smiled, remembering that cheesy jingle from the 70’s.
Pamela B. Rhimes, Pammy for short, was in the bathroom when she heard Danny come in. “In here”, she answered, when he called her name. “I can’t believe we’ve been living together for going on three weeks now, it’s so cool, like we’re married or something”. She checked her makeup in the mirror a final time, and grinned, the stew in the crock pot was fine, just enough time for a quickie before supper. Under her bathrobe she had on her very sexy, but very uncomfortable underwear. But that was ok, she thought, she wouldn’t have to wear them for long.
Danny looked up from studying the label on the new vitamin bottle when he heard Pammy come out of the bathroom. “Hey good lookin’ what you got cookin’, smells good, what ever it is”. She gave him a big, a mischievous smile and said, “Supper will keep, we’re having dessert first tonight”. Man, Danny thought, I’ve got to be the luckiest dude alive, and chased her back to the bedroom.
Afterwards, as they lay side by side in bed, Pammy was feeling a little concerned. “Honey, do you feel alright?” she asked.
“I feel great, why?”
She rolled to her side, facing him, and placed a palm on his forehead. “Well, you feel really hot, like you got a fever or something. Sure you feel ok?” Danny turned his head towards her and smiled.
“Yeah, I feel totally fine. Hey, that reminds me, I forgot to tell you about this freaky thing that happened at the vitamin store”. Pammy propped herself up on her elbow to listen.”Well,” Danny began, “I was in line behind this fat, old hag waiting to check out, but she was bitching at the girl behind the counter about prices or something. I mean, she just wouldn’t let it go. The girl was totally freaking out, and this crazy hag wouldn’t shut up. Finally, I was like screw this, and told the bitch to pay up or get out of line. Then, and here’s the freaky part, she whipped around on me fast, like a wrinkled up ninja, and then get this, she covered an eye with one of her hands, and pointed at me with the other and said something like, ‘Deeincendo corpis human’ something or other, and stormed out the door. She was weird looking too, dusty black dress, about six miles of grey hair piled on her head, and her teeth looked like old wood....oh yeah, and I shit you not, both her canine teeth were gold.
When Pammy stopped laughing, she said, “Jesus, Danny, something like that could only happen to you. What do you think it was she said? Sounds like those kind of words doctors use for bones and diseases and stuff, Greek, I think”. Danny thought about it for a second.
“Well, she did have a funny accent, like that old, black-and-white Dracula... Hey, let’s go eat, I’m starving”.
While Danny ate, Pammy found a pen and paper, and a digital thermometer, and then sat down at the dinner table across from him. “Tell me what that lady said again, I’m going to try and look it up on line. And, here, stop eating for a sec, let’s see what your temperature is, it still totally feels like you’re burning up”. He took the thermometer, put it in his mouth, and waited for it to beep.
“It’s broken”, he said, and handed the thermometer back.
“Well that’s weird”, Pammy said, “I tried it out on myself, before I gave it to you.” The little screen was blank, so she reset it and stuck it under her tongue. When it beeped she said, “Look, 98.4, it’s not broke, try again”. He did, and got the same result as the first time.
“Weird!, But, whatever, it doesn’t matter. I still feel fine”. Pammy, however, remained concerned.
“Well, if you’re like this tomorrow morning, you’ll go to the doctors, right? Promise me, Danny, ok?” Danny put his hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“Ok, ok, I promise”.
But in the morning, he felt too good to go to the doctor. In fact, he felt awesome. Shaving, Danny noticed he looked a bit red in the face. That’s just a little sun and the rosy glow of youth, he told his reflection. Man! Do I feel great.
He arrived at the office early, but instead of the usual coffee, he filled his mug with water, drank it down, and filled it again. A tad parched, he thought, as he whistled his way down the hall to his cubicle, or coffin-cube, as his work buddy Larry called them. As usual, Larry was waiting on him when he got there.
“Hey, Dan-o, how’s it go....dude, what the fuck’s up with your face?” Danny put a hand to his cheek.
“What do you mean? What’s wrong with my face?” Larry was wearing a strange, lopsided grin as he stared at his friend.
“Did you stick your head in a paint bucket? You look like an idiot. I mean, your face is redder than a dog’s dick. Go to the bathroom and look at yourself, man!”
But Danny wasn’t listening, he was staring into his coffee mug. The water seemed to be boiling. He dropped the mug, and looked up in a daze, “What? What did you say?”
“I said, go take a look at yourself, klutz! Jesus, man, get a grip, you’re falling the fuck apart!” And then the phone rang, snapping Danny out of his stupor.
“Danny, is that you?” It was Pammy on the line and she sounded excited. “You didn’t go to the doctors did you? Don’t answer, I know you didn’t”.
“Sorry”, he said weakly, “what’s up?”
“Listen to this,” she began, “I looked up those words that lady said to you yesterday, took me like forever. Anyways, they’re Latin, not Greek like I thought.” “Oh yeah,” Danny said, “well, what do they mean?” From behind him, he thought he heard Larry shout, “Dude, your fucking sport coat is starting to smoke!,” But all his attention was on Pammy.
“Tell me if this is exactly what she said”, and then she read, “De Incondis Corporis Humani Spontanis,...well? Is that what she said?”
“Yes,” Danny muttered quietly, “that’s exactly what she said...what does it mean?”
“It means, spontaneous human combust”.....but the phone went dead. Danny stared at the receiver in his hand, and saw it had melted.
“But I feel fine,” he whispered.....
Ten hours later, after the fire trucks and ambulances had left and all but one police cruiser remained at the scene of the fire, two men stood on the sidewalk in front of the burnt out husk that was all that remained of Danny’s office building. One was Officer Whilham and the other was Danny’s friend, Larry Fine.
“Sir, please state your name.”
“Larry Fine.”
“Your full name, sir.”
“Larry Joeseff Fine.”
“Mr. Fine, you say you witnessed everything that happened here today?”
“Yes, most of it.”
“And, you are a work associate of Mr. Spokes?”
“Yeah, we’re friends.”
“Ok, Mr. Fine, in your own words, describe to me what you saw today.”
Who else’s words would I use, dick-brain, “Ok, your honor, this is what went down, believe me or not.
“I got to work when I usually do, around quarter to eight. Danny showed up about five minuets later like normal, except his face was all red. I mean really red, like a tomato.”
“And this wasn’t usual?,” asked the officer.
“Fuck no, this wasn’t usual! Didn’t you hear me!? I mean his face was like super duper fucking red, unnatural, freaky-fruitcake red, Jesus!”
“Ok, calm down, Mr. Fine. Please continue, but without the swear words, please.”
“Sweet, fatass mother of Buda, give a guy a break! My best friend’s head flamed up like a Bic lighter, and you want me talk like a sticky-crack little girl scout? What the fuck, man?”
Officer Whilham considered this for a moment. “Ok, you’ve made your point, sir. Now just calm down and finish with your story, please, so we can both go home.
“Yeah, whatever,” Mother Teresa. “I’ll wrap it up quick. So, his face was RED, like I said. And then it kept getting darker and redder, darker and redder, until it was almost black. And then...his cloths started smoking.
“Mmmmmmmmm, I seeeeeeeeeeee. And then what happened Mr. Fine?”
Larry pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezed his eyes shut, and shook his head. “Giant, red monkeys flew out of his ass. And I was there, and you were there, toto and the fucking tin-man were there!...You know what happened next!”
“Well, why don’t you just tell me again, Mr. Fine, to make sure I have it right.”
“Why yes, your honor, I’d be glad to enlighten you further....And then, what happened next was my best friend in the whole wide world, went poof! Then Blam! Then shazzam, god damn son of sam, wham bam thank you mam, green eggs and fucking ham!!! He caught on fire, is what he did, and then....he just....walked away....” Larry sagged to his knees, spent, and began weeping softly. “He just walked away, starting the building on fire wherever he stepped, happy as you please, his whole body a torch like that rug-muncher Joan of Fuckn’ Arc.”
The scanner in Officer Wilham’s squad car hissed, and a cackly voice came across the speaker.
“All units to 16th street on the West side, ASAP. The whole quarter is on fire and people are starting to riot.” Larry slowly looked up after the call finished and a huge grin split his face.
“The last thing that crazy mother fucker said to me after he blazed up was, ‘Larry my boy, tonight I’m gonna paint the town RED!’”
