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emergency room stories As we sat in the car, trying to waste time and break the long drive’s silence, one of us remembered a story about a man who had to go to the emergency room. he was wearing a raincoat and nothing else, because he impaled a poodle with his member. Now, that was a new one, we said, and all struggled to think of other sexually perverse emergency room stories we heard. Like men coming in with dead hampsters inside them, you see, they let them go up there when they’re alive, because the hampsters squirming around while they’re being asphyxiated seems to do it for some men. But then, of course, the question begs itself: how do you get the carcasses out? Hence the emergency room, I suppose. So we talked about other stories, like women with light bulbs or vegetables stuck in obvious places, then one of us says they heard that a man came in to the emergency room once with a dildo stuck somewhere, but the punch line is that he claimed to have fallen on it. then i told the one about the woman who had a raw hot dog stuck inside her, and all i could think was, how horny would a woman have to be in order to use some- thing as flaccid as a hot dog? then someone said, maybe it was frozen. then someone else asked if that would be like putting your tongue to something frozen and having it stick. and we laughed. Copyright Janet Kuypers. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission.