Number 136
I remember too vividly what it was like with you
what I would do for you
things things you would do for me
once we had dinner at your place
carry out
and you left a rose waiting for me at the table
you flew across the country to see me
you jokingly said in public
“We don’t care, we share”
even though I knew you never wanted to share me
I remember singing to you in the street
jumping around in a vat of soybeans with you
I remember planning my life with you
you giving me gemstones and rings
I remember you wanting that
I sang to you at the amphitheatre
you were so infatuated with me
you always thought of me when that song played again
I made you dinner once
and caught you by surprise
by giving the meal to you on a stage
we had champagne on the roof of your house once
and you liked to take me around town
on your dirt bike
I never wanted to tell you that I met you
because I thought your friend was cute
you took time off work and flew to see me
you paid for a hotel
and shot pool with me
in a bar in new orleans like we weren’t tourists
and it’s funny
when I made the effort to see you
you suddenly got bored with me
am I getting my men confused?
who loved me? who did I love?
I guess it’s irrelevant
when your hot chocolate that just got hot
and has a little sprig of mint in it
and can keep you warm in the dead of winter
when you just need something there to savor
after a long hard day of work
and a long commute home in the snow
but I guess it’s irrelevant
when that hot chocolate
or spiced coffee, or fresh tea
or whatever the hell you want
that happens to keep you warn when you need it
it’s irrelevant
when the heat grows cold
and it’s the dead of winter
and you are counting on that warmth
and then it’s gone
just like that
the problem is
I would drive eighteen hours to see you
and you would suddenly be bored
and the problem is
I seem to like men
that live really far away from me
because I’m an idiot
and the problem is
most of the men i dated
really fell for me
and I never tried to do that
I’ve never tried to be a “man magnet”
geez, everyone thinks that
I was just a flirt
but guess it all boils down to
their differences
and how women and men act
but I don’t know what the problems were
and are
all I keep seeing is the ghost of you
telling me that I should have bought a lemon for home
or that I should have brought a shawl
to protect me from the wind
and I look in my room and I see your painting of me
and I can hear your voice now
you’re here in my home
you’re walking from room to room
and you’re telling me
“Why didn’t you let me make it?
What you need to do
is add more cranberry juice.
And the lemon twist is there for more than effect.”
Copyright Janet Kuypers.
All rights reserved. No material
may be reprinted without express permission.
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