September 11, 2001
(The Universe is in your Hands edit)
Janet Kuypers
1/19/24
on a typical Tuesday morning
i walked to the tv, thought he was watching a movie
he said, i don’t think this is a movie
i think the world trade center has been struck
we stared, watched a plane fly into the second tower
then watched the towers collapse
it took two days to get through to everyone
my friend and one brother-in-law
rescheduled pentagon meetings
and we tried to call his sister in shanksville, pennsylvania
our nephew heard news reports say that if flight ninety-three
landed thirty seconds later, the plane would have hit his school
my brother-in-law in new jersey
was supposed to be in the world trade centers for meetings
that day, but he decided not to go to the meeting
lucky him
i watched the tv like i was some sort of zombie
thinking this was bigger than Pearl Harbor,
more people died, this wasn’t a military base,
i had to do something...
maybe i could go there —
drive my brother-in-law in jersey,
train into manhattan
So, i took off on my own, paid the tolls on i eighty
even forgot my camera
got to his brother’s place after one in the morning
he told me what train to take,
but said half of the subway lines have to be closed
i trained as far as I could, but I couldn’t get close
but i thought,
i walk seven miles to work, this is no problem
I’ll buy an instant camera on my walk to ground zero
maybe use a film canister to collect building dust
it’s funny, someone gave me ashes
from the mount saint helen’s eruption
and i thought, i lived through this
i should bring something back with me
i should
i should something
but every store was closed and everything was congested
everything seemed closed, but you still couldn’t go anywhere
so, over four hours later i got to ground zero
wearing gym shoes and jeans
with a sealed water in my back pack purse
wanted to get in to try to help
i don’t know,
to shovel things out of the way,
to something
but no one had maps of where everything was
there were so many people there trying to help
that they told me that the best way i could help
was to just clear the way so people could do their jobs
and i just stepped back,
unable to do anything,
only able to stare,
like i was watching it on tv
###
i used only lowercase writing this, even when i said “i”
i’m only lowercase
when i watched the news
on that first day
they showed people
jumping out the windows
these silhouettes of people
looked like floating paper in a ticker tape parade
in all the debris floating around —
i had to keep telling myself, “these are people”
and when i looked around at all of the remains
from these towering office buildings
i thought of the dust i was breathing in, i thought:
i’m breathing in drywall
i’m breathing in paperwork
i’m breathing in people
so yes, i’m only lowercase
after what i’ve seen around me
i’m nothing
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