Janet Being Alone 2005

I know there that are certain thing that I have wanted. I know I’m picky, and I know I need attention and love and support... And all this time I thought I could get that from you.
And you know, I’ve been let down before. I’ve dealt with liars full time... and there have been so many times where I’ve had to adjust my truths and my perceptions, and there have been so many times where I’ve had to adjust my schedule. And you know, I’ve had to adjust my schedule for you, too. But I still had a schedule there, and I thought that you would come around and eventually somehow adhere to it.
Maybe I’m getting tired of being let down. Maybe I’m tired of all the bad things happening to me. Maybe I’ve had to keep to myself all this time. Maybe I thought that you wouldn’t do that to me too.

Maybe I wanted to see you, and it wasn’t that I wanted to see your family. I’m getting used to wanting to see your family, but I don’t know what I’m trying for, if you’re now even going to be there.
I don’t know what to expect anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore if you’re not even listening.
So I’ve had to learn how to be alone.

That hasn’t been the easy part to my job. There have been a lot of parts to this job that aren’t easy, and I was hoping for good news. I was hoping for someone to understand. I have been hoping for that light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.

I try to learn and understand things, beccause that something that can make me happy...
And all this time, I thought that something was you.
I thought you were my light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t know how much nicer I can be, and I don’t know how many times I’m going to get kicked in the teeth for it. And no, I’ve come to realize that there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. The waiting isn’t enough.
And no, I can not sit around and wait for you any more

I have to just move on. I don’t know what I’m moving to, but I have to be moving to something.

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Chicago Poet Janet Kuypers
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