Magnum Opus
You wanted my magnum opus
Well, here it is, baby
You wanted to know that bad things
Can happen to me
Well, they can
Trust me, they can
I had saved enough money for a while,
And I was fine with that
And then I was told I should become a model
So I applied to the first place I saw an ad for
And they wanted me
And I know, I know, this sounds like
A good story, so far
Another model told me
Never work for a place
That asks for a fee to be paid to work for them
And this place asked for a fee
But I thought, I have the money saved,
This is no problem for me, so I signed up
Then I was there for a photo shoot one day
And they needed someone to start working
In their ordering department
What am I saying, that person
WOULD be their ordering department
And I said I could do it and I was hired on the spot
This is where this story gets more interesting,
I swear, baby
And this is where the screwing over begins
Because being on the inside
And seeing how things are run from the inside
And not from the model’s point of view
Well, I got to see how much of a scam this place really was
The building, all the offices and the runway
Were in one room with no walls
And the office was no larger than my living room
And the owner spent half of each day there
And the rest of the day working out
Or going to the country club or
Doing something else that none of his meager employees
Got the chance to do
And he kept that air conditioning blasted
Like my father always would
In our living room
When us kids watched television and we were on the couch
With blankets covering our feet and legs
Well, the boss would have the air conditioning on,
And he would have no regard for whether his employees
Were freezing or not
My theory is that he kept it cold
So that when he took the pornographic pictures
The women would have hard nipples
And while he was at it
He would pay his employees
Next to nothing
And he would care more about the cables that he very unsafely left
Strewn about in the main room
(I’m sure O.S.H.A. would say that was a safety hazard)
( ... I’m sure of it)
As I was saying, he would care more about his camera equipment
These inanimate objects
Than the people that chose to work for him
He once told me that there was a six hundred dollar cable on the floor
And I wanted to tell that sorry bastard
That had the money to buy this whole fucking building
And if O.S.H.A. came in they could snag his ass for an unsafe working environment
And that if someone was late, paying them two dollars
An hour was illegal, and with the shit
That I’ve got on him
With all this evidence, I tell you
I could get our team of lawyers on him and take this whole scam -
I mean, excuse for a company - away from him
I’m sure he doesn’t have any lawyers covering his sorry ass
in case a problem like that would occur
And the thing is, I do
and I would hear my coworker Chantene tell me she wanted to quit
And I would hear Joanne tell me she was going to quit
And I found out that the hired and fired Juanita in the
Two-week span I was working there
And everyone there was unhappy working
And Chantene talked about the idea of taking a magnum to his ass
She had thought of it, of shooting him on more than one occasion
And I made a decision then
I decided to keep my mouth shut
Because he could still keep money away from me as a model
Because I didn’t want to deal with the hassle
And he could still choose not to use my photographs in their magazine
But I figured, Hell, this pointless
irritating
inexcusable
childless
dehumanizing
humiliating
backwards
scam of an
Insane job
Has to have some utility for me
In working here, I have lost my time
But I sure the fuck didn’t get
Enough money
Or any peace of mind
For it
So I decided to work enough to cover my ass -
I mean, my fee -
From becoming a model in the first place
That after two weeks
When my near full-time job
Couldn’t even cover my rent
I put in my two week notice
And I quit
Yeah, I quit
I think it’s my record for the shortest time I have had a job
I got to learn a ton of things while I was there
And I learned more in my last two weeks
They are the most unorganized, disorganized bunch of clods
I have ever worked for
Because everyone has to do things by the boss’ back-ass rules
That make no sense
They had no database for their orders
Or their models
So they had to make xerox copies in triplicate of every order that came in
And file them in different places
One by date ordered,
One by name (and yes,
By the first letter of their LAST NAME, no more
So “MADISON” could be after “MULROONEY”)
And one in the back for their permanent filing
When they do interviews
They act like their video camera works
And it hasn’t for a while
So someone there acts like they are using the camera
So the models feel like they are being video taped
The owner asks his employees
To act cordial and civil
And tells them in the same breath
That they are not allowed to talk to anyone trying to get a job there
And that employees should be taking care of the phone
When they have not even been told how to
Put people on hold
Or transfer calls
Or get people off of hold
I wonder how many people I have disconnected unintentionally that way
I wonder if there’s anything else I can get out of this place
I’ve become friends with the coworkers and they can give me a copy
Of pictures I take as a model with them
Grr...
I can’t believe I have to go through all of this...
And today is my last day of work
And I’m scheduled to do a modeling shoot
And I hope I get to have some of the picture back so I can see them
Chantene said she’d e-mail them to me
Which is cool
I’ll even bring a floppy disk and a computer with me
Just to be sure
But I’ve had it with the
“You don’t get any break time” shit and
“Know how to do this”
Even though something has never been explained to you
I found out here that
If the boss takes the pictures
There is a greater chance of getting into the catalog
And if we women take the photographs
Well, the model has a very SMALL chance then
One of my coworkers also told me
That the boss asks most everyone to be a model
Doesn’t THAT do something for MY self-esteem
Well, you gotta make a profit SOMEHOW, I guess
Well, you gotta get the coin SOMEHOW, I guess
If from selling the clothing
The only profit you make is from jacking up the shipping price
I’m counting down the minutes now
I keep thinking that it IS my last day
And I’ve got an hour and fifteen minutes left
When here, who are you supposed to answer to
And what the Hell are you supposed to be doing
And I only have one day left
And I’ll have to be putting on make-up
And curling my hair
As he is getting his glorious camera equipment
(You know, the shit that is more valuable than the people that work for him)
As he is getting his glorious camera equipment
All set up
So consider this my magnum opus,
Mother fucker
This is my change to say all the things that I couldn’t
All the things that I really think
That everyone really thinks here
And, you know,
This isn’t even beginning to scratch the fucking surface
And I hope on some level you know what I’m doing
And I hope you’re enjoying your shit sandwich
And I hope you don’t get too much stuck on your chin
And I hope you lick it up, baby, lick it up
So, go ahead
Go ahead and get all the glorious camera equipment
All set up
Well, set it up, baby
And take the glorious photographs
With your fucking digital camera
And make me look just fabulous
Because after today
That is my job
That is your job
And then you can never ask any more of me
Remember THAT, you son of a bitch
Copyright Janet Kuypers.
All rights reserved. No material
may be reprinted without express permission.
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