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Well, I Didn’t Think About It

02/22/07

I’m used to going to Florida
on a flight by myself
to see my parents,

I don’t know how many times I’ve done it,
walk through Fort Myers airport
            where you can feel your clothes
            your heavy pants, your layers of shorts
            sticking to your back, your legs
            as you walk your way
            through the Florida humidity
tower over the tourists

making their way through that long hallway

and whenever I’d walk through that airport
I’d get out of the passenger-only terminal
and a mass of older people would be waiting there

I’d look through the crowd

find the ball of hair I recognize
and see mom waiting for me
while dad waited with the car
outside for my luggage to come around

well, I didn’t think about it
when I came to Florida
right after my mom died,

but here I am now, planning a trip
to Florida to see my father
because he hates being alone
and us kids take turns
to keep him company

well, I didn’t think about it,
but when my flight landed in Fort Myers

on Valentine’s Day
            (flights are cheaper on Valentine’s Day,
            so I kissed my love good-bye
            and left Chicago)

well, I didn’t think about it,
but I walked down the terminal

and got to where people are waiting
for their arrivals
and I saw a woman,
she didn’t look like my mom,
but I saw one woman standing there alone
like mom would be doing for me
when she was alive
and it just made me stop in my tracks

no, I didn’t think anyone looked like my mom
but this is the strangest thing,
to be here, in an airport
trying to catch my breath

###

when it floods me,
it’s usually when I’m out, maybe at a bar,
where something comes up
to make me think about my mom again,
and make me miss her all over again


and that’s what I have to clean myself up
because I’m out in public,
and this isn’t the time or place
to fall apart

but now, here I am
in the most public of places

and she has to come to me like this now
when I’m alone
and no one can tell me to stop thinking about it
and no one can tell me that it’s okay
and everything will be all right

            well, it will never be all right

            but you have to say that anyway

I’m used to having these memories come to me
when I cam prepared to fight it away
not now,
not like this
not at this inopportune time
when I think everything is okay

and I’m not thinking about it anymore


Copyright Janet Kuypers.
All rights reserved. No material
may be reprinted without express permission.

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