[the Writing of Kuypers] [JanetKuypers.com] [Bio] [Poems] [Prose]
They Key to Believingchapter 14
The Fight Against aidsLike a commander of a military fleet, Sloane acted as if everyone there were working solely for her. When she was able to tear herself away from Carter, she made her way to the front nurse’s desk on the same floor, ready to strike. Working out exactly what she would say on the way, she walked straight up to the front desk and said to the attendant, “Get me the head nurse,” and she used a conviction she did not even know she possessed. The nurse came up and attempted to introduce herself, but Sloane had no time for introductions and started immediately. “There is a gentleman here in room 2628, Mr. Carter Donovan, and I am watching over his medical records and doing everything possible to save him. He is about to be given a high dosage of AZT, because we need to make sure that his condition does not develop into full-blown AIDS. I need you to set a full equivalent dosage of Emivir ready so that he can take it home, and I need you to overload his bloodstream with it right now in the hopes that it can kill more of the virus in an initial injection.” “But ma’am, Emivir is a prescription drug, and we can’t give it without a doctor’s --” Sloane stopped her. “My name is Sloane Emerson, I am a doctor and I am the head of Research and development at Madison Pharmaceuticals.” She pulled her identification card from her wallet as she spoke. “I created this drug, and Carter is going to take it right now.” The nurse looked at her I.D. for just a moment and was a bit awe-struck. “Look, we don’t have time for you guessing, Carter’s health is in question because of it and I know this drug better than anyone in the country. Get him started on this right away. Like Dilantin for seizure patients, or like needles saved for cops and EMTs that are hit with a needle, taking an overdose of it immediately may help him battle this disease as it attempts to enter his system.” The nurse attempted to speak, “But a dosage for him--” “Knowing the amount of AZT you’re about to inject in him,” she began, “and knowing that there would be no adverse reactions to giving Emivir at the same time, I know that you can inject him with both medications at the same time. And knowing that Emivir is usually given to patients at 600 milligrams a day, there would be no problem to start him with a 3-week drip.” All she could think was that sometimes dosages are sharply increased for potentially pregnant women to force their bodies to abort, but without knowing fully about any potential side-effects of overloading Carter’s body frightened her into not telling the nurse to give him a six-week dosage to potentially stop it from living in his body. There was no way that researchers could literally test these effects on humans, because no one would be willing to be a test subject. And all she could think of was the potential of a serious problem from giving him too high a dosage. Picking up her cell phone, she dialed Kyle at the office and realized he would be at home, but before pressing the speed dial for Kyle to ask him about any existing research that would explain potential threats. The nurse learned quickly to not ask questions when Sloane was speaking, so when she was done giving orders the nurse went looking for lab technicians immediately and had other nurses there page people to call up technicians to start Carter on an initial dosage. “I can go with the Technician for the dosage amounts that would be best,” she said. “Write the prescription amounts you’ve requested and I’ll have them take care of it if you need to be in the patient’s room.” Suddenly Sloane heard the words “the patient’s room” echo in her mind. Carter was now a patient, and she was only thinking like a critical time-constrained chemist needing to accomplish a goal quickly. When she heard “the patient’s room”, she suddenly remembered that Carter was in there, waiting to hear when he could get out of the hospital. Sloane stopped for a split second and said, “Yes, I’ll be in Mr. Donovan’s room, and I can explain to him what is going on so he is ready when the drugs come in. Oh, and I am assuming that the drugs will be administered by an IV drip.” “Yes, Miss,” the nurse said as she took the hand-written dosages from Sloane. She watched the nurse turn to rush medications for Carter and she could only stand there for a moment to think about all that had happened before she could try to see if she could get a hold of Kyle, before mustering the energy to walk to Carter’s room and tell him the worst. Walking down the hall, Sloane pressed the speed dial number for Kyle. Elisa answered. “Hello?” “Elisa, Hi, it’s Sloane, is Kyle there?” Elisa’s voice changed when she heard that it was her. “Yes, hold on for just a moment.” Listening to Elisa cover the end of the phone, she heard Kyle’s wife call for him. He finally made it to the phone. “How are you?” “Kyle, Hi, this is important, I--” “Are you in the office?” “No, I’m in New York, and I need to know something right now about Emivir, and I hope you can help me out from the research records.” “Sure, chief, what do you need?” “Well, someone has just contracted AIDS probably...” Sloane checked her watch, “eight or nine hours ago from a needle, and I have the nurses placing him on an initial shock of both Emivir and AZT.” Kyle interrupted her. “Someone here?” “Yes, and --” “You’re in New York?” She knew when he asked there would be more questions, but she just needed information quickly so she could work to save Carter. “Yes, New York.” “It’s no one I know, is it?” “Kyle, let me answer that after you help me, okay?” Kyle’s stomach turned when he thought someone he knew was infected. “Okay, shoot.” “Okay, I’ve just told them a three-week dosage of both Emivir and AZT, but I know that in pregnancy cases they can give a huge dosage of birth control sometimes to abort a pregnancy. I can’t think of any studies being done on this for AIDS, but if Emivir could have any chance to kill the virus off if it is immediately implanted in the body, I was wondering what would be the safest maximum dosage we could give a patient.” At this point Sloane stopped her walking and was standing in front of Carter’s door. Kyle tried to think it through while he answered. “Well, there are no cases of that working, but --” “But no one has ever tried it before,” Sloane said, finishing the sentence. “Okay, okay, so we can’t prove it, I know you want it proven Sloane, but I think a dosage up to about twice what you’ve got Carter slated for would be safe for him.” “Is it safe? ... And you said Carter, Kyle?” “I’m trying to guess here. Am I wrong?” All she was thinking about was getting the answer from him before she could respond to his assumption. “So you think I could double the dosage? I mean, is it safe?” “Yeah, anything over eight week dosages would cause damage, but six weeks should be safe, especially if it is within twelve hours of infection.” “Thanks.” “Who is it?” Having to answer now, she also knew she had to tell Carter that he had AIDS and could not stay on the phone. “Kyle, it is Carter, but I have to go into his room for treatment right now, so I promise I will call you in an hour with more information.” “Oh my God...” “I know Kyle --” “Is he okay?” “He seems fine. I’ll call you back. And Kyle...” “Yes?” “Thanks, Chief.” Kyle smiled when he heard ’chief’. “No problem. Give him my best.” Turning the button off, she shoved the phone into her pocket as she opened his door. Carter heard the door open and looked up eagerly. Spotting her, he asked, “So when are they letting me out of here?” She tried force a smile while considering the possibility that she may have somehow had an effect on this happening to him. “You’re going to be in here for a little bit,” she said, as she walked over to his bed and took his hand before she continued speaking, “because they’ve got to take care of some work here and...” “And?” “And I’ve got to tell you some news. You’re not going to like it, and --” “Tell me anyway. What’s the matter?” Mentally preparing herself for the hardest speech she could make, she said, “Do you remember the mugging, or police saying anything in your presence?” “Well, someone hit me over the head. I would have given money, but I was just hit. I know the police were talking about possible drug connections, because --” “Because why?” “They were probably talking about wanting drug money, but I thought I heard them saying something about a hypodermic needle at the scene, but I never saw one, and, well, no one talked about drugs when they mugged me.” “The needle is the bad news, Carter.” Carter could tell at this point that there was really something wrong, so he straightened up and thought more seriously and more clearly. “What is it?” Sloane spoke almost under her breath. “Carter, I think my research might have done this to you.” “Don’t say that, you don’t know --” Carter froze when he thought of what she’d just said, and he thought of the needle; this was when the pieces started to fall together. “Carter, I love you more than life.” “Well angel, I love you too --” “That love didn’t change when we found out that the needle was contaminated with the HIV virus, and after I told them to look, they found a puncture wound in you from it.” Carter’s face started to sink and grow longer, looking more gaunt in the realization. “I am sorry,” was all that she could say as they both made the effort to hold each other. “I’ve got half the nursing staff on this floor starting you on a flood of Emivir, along with AZT, hoping that jolting your system with that much of it this early in your contamination could hold the virus off for longer. I know that they even give policemen a pack of an IV of cocktails like this in case a needle from an assailant hit them, so I’m hoping this will work. They will be coming in here to inject you with a big dose, and I know that it can itch or burn getting this much into your system at once, but it is good for you to get it all at once like this, you have to keep that in mind. And I’ll be working so hard to help you on this one, damnit, because if they thought they would do this to stop AIDS cure from working, well, they didn’t know it would only make me work harder, because it comes down to --” The door swung open, and medical staff came in to get Carter ready for the Emivir and AZT, so she had to stop and pull away from him while they did their work. Knowing she had to see the head nurse to get another Emivir dosage ready for him, she had to go to the nurse’s desk while the lab technicians started him on an injection. “Carter, I’m sorry...” It seemed that Carter couldn’t even speak. “Sloane?” he finally asked. “Yes? I love you, and --” “I love you.” “Carter, I have to make sure they have the right dosage for you, so I have to go to the nurse’s office for a second.” “I... I kind of want you to stay.” That one tore her up inside when she heard it. “I don’t want to leave you, but I want to make sure you are well, too.” One of the lab nurses with the lab technician interrupted. “Did you need to talk to someone, Miss Emerson?” Her head whipped around to see where the voice was coming from. Her commanding, military voice resumed again. “Yes, please tell the head nurse she has approval to set up another three-week dosage of Emivir, we can start it within an hour after this is in his system so we don’t shock his body with it all at once.” Carter looked up in amazement. “Will I --” “Yes, ma’am,” the nurse said, turning around to walk to the nurse’s desk. Sloane whipped her head back to Carter and answered him. “We think that there’s a chance that putting more into your system at once to make you better, so we’ll get this supply in you to see how you take it.” They sat in silence while a few people set up needles and an I.V. for him. “I don’t want to overshock your body by giving you too much at once, that’s why we’ll wait before putting more in you to see how you take it.” Carter looked up at her, keeping his head down, looking more mournful than he had before. She finally spoke. “I’ve got to get out of the way while they do this, you know. I’ll stay right here though.” And it was hard for her to let go of his hand as she had to leave. Slowly stepping backwards from his bed, people circled around him and checked his arms for injection points. It occurred to her that she had to call Kyle back and that she had to go outside to make sure Jim was okay. As she turned around, she slowly raised her hand up to gesture that she would be back in one moment. When she pushed the door open she spotted Jim down the hall as she pulled her phone from her pocket to call Kyle back. Before dialing, Jim came up to her. “Ms. Emerson, is everything okay?” “... I don’t know.” They stood in the hall in silence for a moment. “Is your friend okay?” “They’re drugging him up right now, but hopefully he’ll be okay.” “I’m sorry to hear about it.” “Thanks.” “Is this the guy you were visiting before?” “Yes, he’s working on a book for us too.” “And this is really getting to you...” “I...” “Are you okay?” “I, um, I have to call a coworker about the drugs.” “Okay. Do you want me to get you some coffee or something?” “Oh, gosh no, but thank you. Just have a seat.” “You sit down, too,” Jim said. She smiled in appreciation of his consideration before she could look at her phone to call Kyle. This time Kyle answered the phone. “Hello?” “Hi, it’s me.” “What’s going on?” “Carter Donovan was attacked last night and an infected needle was shoved in him. He had my business card in his wallet, so they called me close to Midnight last night.” “Wow.. Is he okay?” “All things considered, I hope... Since I said I was his doctor and that I created Emivir, I got him the regular dosage. We’ll see if he’s okay with that much in him, so after maybe about an hour of the drugs, we’ll get him another dose.” “That’s why you asked about possibly stopping AIDS in the body... But is this gonna hurt the book?” “Kyle, What do you mean?” “Is he supposed to be watching over it?” “Quentin won’t even find out about this until tomorrow, and I can’t imagine someone stopping the book because of this. I think we’ll be fine with the Battle from the Inside.” “You’re gonna be at work tomorrow then?” “I’ll have to, I’ve got the company plane.” “You flew there on Madison’s tab?” “It was a company expense, I mean, this is about the health of someone orchestrating our book.” “Okay, chief.” “And I’ve got to get back to his room, kid, so let me go. I’ll tell you about it when I get the chance.” “Got it. Just get some rest.” For the next few hours Carter had Sloane at his side while he the I.V. stayed in his arm. Periodically he’d be checked on to make sure he was feeling okay, and besides the itching and slight burning from all of the medication in him, he was pulling through. Jim was even able to sit in the room for a short while. Knowing she couldn’t say a word to argue with him, she listened to Carter as he talked about not understanding why he was mugged in the first place when barely anything was even taken from him. Because of the death of Shane Wilson and because of the existence of Adam Saunders, she was convinced that these allegations were true. The threats that would come to stop her from her work were becoming more and more apparent, and she did not know when they were going to stop. She knew for a fact that this was no accident. Pieces started to fall together in her head. Shane’s hit-and-run car crash was no accident. The destruction of acres of Toby’s rain forest land was no accident, when it was a U.S. government-sponsored company that tore the trees down. The U.S. Scientific Research Advancement Department making false claims about stolen research accomplishments without any proof, attempting to look through Madison’s files and records, was no accident. This attack on the publisher of Madison’s book was no accident either. She was sure of it. She studied her car by sight before she even got into her home. Internally, she wanted to make sure that no one had tampered with her car and that it was still in one piece. After entering her apartment, she searched every corner to make sure that nothing had been touched since she had left. Her almost anal-retentive ritual began. Turn on all lights. Check all closets. Looked behind the couch. Open the shower curtain. Push her desk chair further under her desk. Remember that her robe wasn’t moved since she left. Neither was the dirty glass or plate in the kitchen. One cabinet door was slightly open, the way it was before she ran out of her home. She opened and shut all doors, checking behind them and looking in all dark corners. And lastly, she crawled on her hands and knees to check under the bed. All seemed clear. Living in fear now was not something that she could even think about, all she knew was that she had to do everything in her power to keep herself and her loved ones alive. Knowing that it would be too late to call everyone to make sure they were okay, she walked back toward the front of her home, scratching her head and trying to push her hair back. She threw her coat over a chair so she could take it to work in the morning. She looked around. No messages were on her machine. There was no reason that she would be missed. “Am I really that valueless to people?” she thought, as she wondered why she ever had an answering machine in the past. “Mental note: call people tomorrow,” she thought before she turned off all the lights and walked straight to her bed. She knew she had to sleep. But all Sloane could do was cry. Everything suddenly seemed to fall apart for her, right then and there. She had found out there is a good chance the U.S. government is holding the cure to a virus that they created and spread. A friend and colleague lost opportunities to work because of government land destruction. A gentleman who gave her scraps of information about the government’s intervention with AIDS was killed. Her work was being taken away from Madison by the U.S. Scientific Research Advancement Department. She finally, finally admitted her love to her soul mate and he was almost immediately afterward given a prolonged death sentence. She didn’t want to fall apart. She didn’t let herself fall apart. This couldn’t all be true, this couldn’t be happening to her, she couldn’t make sense out of anything in her life any longer, and she couldn’t stop herself from crying for over an hour and a half. Forgetting about setting her alarm clock, Sloane woke up late for work, but wasn’t too concerned about it. She didn’t even bother to shower, she had worn the same clothes she wore the day before and grabbed her keys, briefcase, purse and coat as she opened her apartment door. Before it closed, she looked around her home once again, mentally memorizing where all her belongings were placed, so she could check them again to remember where everything exactly was when she came home that night. Double-checking everything that was in her path was her only real option. She checked how the car sounded. She checked to make sure none of the mirrors in her car were moved. She made sure that the radio was set the same way as when she left it. She even looked at how everything was left in her car before she was able to leave and watch traffic. The lab staff seemed a bit surprised when she arrived in the office at 9:45 Monday morning. Kyle did his best to push people out of the way so she wouldn’t have to answer to anyone. Julie walked over and opened her door, as she could tell that Sloane just wanted to go into her office to be alone. Kyle told Julie that Sloane was on the other side of the country all day yesterday because of a potential health problem, so Julie should give Sloane some space and try to help her out. Julie didn’t know if the health problem was Sloane’s or someone else’s, but watched Sloane make a beeline for her office and then started to close her door for her, saying, “If you need anything at all, let me know.” Kyle watched her walk into her office and Julie saw him as he slowly approached her door. He finally turned to look at Julie, noting that she didn’t know what to think or what to do. “I figure I have to wait another minute before I go in there,” He finally said. “Do you know what it is?” she finally asked. “I think we’ll all knew in a few.” Julie’s private line rang and assumed it was Ms. Emerson, so she held up her finger to answer her phone. Thirty seconds later she hung up the phone. “Kyle, she just asked for me to find you. I think she wants to see you.” Kyle nodded his head and thanked her before he turned to go knock on her door and enter her room. “Are you okay? What happened?” Kyle asked as he walked to a chair to have a seat. “Carter was mugged at about 10:00 or 10:30 our time, was brought to the hospital at 11:00 our time, and they found that nothing was really stolen from him. There was just a foreign hypodermic needle by his side. They called me in because he had my business card in his wallet, and I told them to look and they found a puncture mark, along with traces of HIV all over the needle. So I got him first on a three-week shock of Emivir and AZT, about an hour later he got another three-week load of Emivir. It was a little tough for Carter to take all the drugs, he kept saying his arm was itching like Hell. He even said he could feel it going up his arm in his blood, which was strange to hear ... um, he held up pretty well through it all, though. I think they’re going to hold him there in the hospital for another day or two. And I can’t think of anything else, really.” Sloane looked over at her phone and saw it beeping for voice mail. “and I even have voice mail, maybe it’s from the hospital or Carter.” She turned the speaker of her phone on to check her messages. “I can go if you want to hear you --” “No, stay, you’ll probably hear it from me if you don’t hear it now, so listen.” She turned the voice mail on to hear the one message left for her. Ms. Emerson, this is Shelly Stempel from Quentin Publishing. We heard about Mr. Donovan, and we heard you were there as well. We hope your being there for medication really helps him right now. But Quentin wanted to let Madison know that Mr. Donovan will be on a temporary leave of absence and that I will be taking over his work on your book. We will give you a call at 10:00 a.m. your time to work out changes that will need to be done to help get your book printed through us, and I look forward to talking to you soon. Kyle noticed that there was still a flash for one message on her machine, but that was the only new message. Keeping her elbow on the arm of her chair, she placed her hand over her mouth as she rested her head in her hand. “Wow,” was all Kyle could say as he watched her and listened to the message. Looking at his watch, he saw that it was 9:52 in the morning and said “I guess she will be calling in the next ten minutes.” She didn’t even look up at him to respond. Kyle moved forward in his seat. “Really, are you okay?” Sloane looked up at him without even moving her hands. She started to nod her head to let him know that she was okay. “Is there anything at all I can get you?” he asked. Letting some silence pass, she finally answered quietly, “Some Whiskey.” Kyle smiled at her. “What?” Sloane rolled her eyes. “Something to drink, I said.” At this point Kyle had a wide grin on his face at her. “But why?” “Oh, a colleague had trouble with work in Miami a month or two ago, and by wanting to escape he wanted to drink...” Kyle started to stand, “Ah, Whiskey, the escape of choice...” he said as he walked toward the door. “Well, I have to make some phone calls first. Then maybe after dealing with another contact for the book I’ll need that Whiskey.” She smiled at him as he made his way to the door. Getting a hold of people was difficult at the time for her, everyone was away from their office desks. All she did was leave messages for everyone before a call from Shelly Stempel came to Madison.. Hey, dad, it’s Sloane, I just wanted to know how you were doing. I haven’t talked to anyone else in the family either, maybe we could get together for dinner some time this week. I hope all is well, and I love you guys, and call me when you get the chance. Hi Toby, it’s Sloane. I hope all is going well for you. I just thought I’d touch base with you and see what you were up to. I hope the research is going well with you, but I also wanted to make sure you were doing well yourself, so please give me a call and maybe we could hang out or something. You’ve got my number, so give me a call, and I’ll talk to you soon. At this point in the day she hoped it would be safe to call the New York hospital to check on Carter’s progress. The nurses there said he was shaky throughout the morning from the drugs, but the sweats had gone down for him and they could run blood work at the end of the day. She didn’t even get to talk to Carter. As her phone rang, so she glanced at the clock and saw that it was 10:05 in the morning. “Ms. Emerson.” “Ms. Emerson, hello, this is Shelly Stempel from Quentin Publishing. Did you get my message from this morning?” “Yes I did, I was expecting your call, hello.” “Hi, I wanted you to know in light of what has happened to Mr. Donovan there will be some slight restructuring of your book production.” “What do you mean?” “Mr. Donovan, after his hospital stay, is going to be on a short leave-of-absence from his position at Quentin, so I’m in charge of taking over current projects he had.” “The Battle from the Inside should be ready to go to press in a week or so. All should be finished with our book, so --” “Ms. Emerson, with the reorganization of this branch now, we’ll have to have a staff go over the book separately from what Mr. Donovan did before we can let it go to press. So I’m sure it will take a little longer than that. But we’ll have a meeting here on it and we’ll have a few proofreaders and editors go over your copy this week before making changes to The Battle from the Inside before it does off to press.” “It was ready to go to press before though, so there shouldn’t be any changes.” “We can take care of all of that, but I just wanted to get the chance to meet you over the phone like this and let you know of changes. We can talk to you in the next day or two.” Ms. Stempel then hung up the phone without hearing an answer. Leaning back in her chair after dealing with that call. she didn’t know what to do. Her phone rang again. Expecting it to be Ms. Stempel, she tried to prepare herself for asking more questions. “Ms. Emerson.” “It’s Toby, how are you?” “You want to know the truth, awful.” “Awful? Come on.” “Absolutely awful.” “You’re exaggerating...” “No, no I’m not.” “Why did you call? Did you want to talk?” “Maybe, but you might just have to listen to me wallow.” “You’ve done it for me, so let’s go out for lunch.” “Okay ... can you stop by my office and we’ll go to a place around here?” “It’s a deal. I’ll be later for lunch, like coming by at one or one-thirty though, if that’s cool with you.” “Sure, I’ll see you then --” When Sloane hung up the phone, she still didn’t know what to do. Wait, she remembered the new book’s staff assignment. She picked up the phone and called Carter’s office. She got through to a receptionist. “Hi. My name is Sloane Emerson, Mr. Donovan was working on a book for Madison Pharmaceuticals. I know about Mr. Donovan not being there right now, but I was wondering if someone there could do me a favor.” “Yes, what can we help you with?” “I was wondering if I could have a hard copy of the book The Battle from the Inside sent to us now. I know it’s not ready to go to press yet, but I would like a copy of the layout as well as a hard copy of our written materials.” “I think we could have a package of that material put together and mailed to your office, unless you need it overnighted.” “No, just mailing it would be great, and I really appreciate it.” When she hung up the phone again, she thought she had to continue to make calls. Feeling like the phone was going to be attached to her ear this morning, she dialed Steve’s number at his work. Steve, Hi, it’s Sloane. This will sound really stupid, but I could use someone to talk to. I know it might be out of line for me to want to know how you’re doing, but I hope all is well with you. If you don’t mind, maybe we could talk. Give me a call, and thanks. Thinking that people were probably wondering about how she was doing, she figured she should probably go for a walk to clear her head. As she opened her door to walk into the lab, almost half of the heads turned to see her. Howard and Kyle were on opposite sides of the room watching her, and she did not know what to do or how to respond. Raising her voice, she asked, “Hey, do you want to get together for a little info on what’s going on?” People nodded and she pointed toward an empty table where they should meet together to hear from her. When people got together, she walked toward the table, making sure to never tell a soul about what happened between her and Carter, found a stepladder to stand on and started to speak. “Hi. I know everybody is wondering what is going on that could make me come in late, so I’ll try to make all of the stuff that has been going on as ’normal’ as possible... I received a call late Saturday night from New York because my business card was in Mr. Donovan’s wallet... Now wait, he is okay, but he was mugged, and so they called me and I went to the hospital he was at to get his condition. They ran some blood work and we got some absolutely awful news, and that was that... the news was that Mr. Donovan has HIV, infected from a needle from the attacker that night. And ... and that is terrible news, but I suppose it was a good thing I was there, because I was able to spearhead a very aggressive drug treatment probably about Eleven hours after he was infected.” Everyone there seemed shocked by this news, so she paused to let everyone get it through their system for a minute. “So... I got a call this morning from a Ms. Shelly Stempel, saying that in light of this weekend Mr. Donovan is on a temporary leave-of-absence, and that there will be a new staff, headed by Ms. Stempel going over the book in case any changes have to be made.” Sloane stopped in what seemed like a dramatic pause before she finished. “So you know, there may be changes in the book that was originally supposed to go out to press at the end of this week. I don’t know what the changes will be, but I just called and asked them to send me the first-version copies of The Battle from the Inside ASAP, so we can see how much change this book will end up going through.” Not being able to lean back while standing on the rung of a stepladder, she finished by saying, “Does anyone have any questions? Because I’ll tell you, I’m exhausted from flying to and from New York yesterday, and if I had the answers for anything, I’d let you know.” She looked around for one brief moment, and no one said a word. Kyle walked toward her as she stepped down from the stepladder and she said to him, “Kyle, can I just look over what is going on with the vaccine testing? Because I don’t think I can handle doing too much new work right now.” “Not a problem at all.” He then guided her over to a chair and they started to go over lab and test results. At around 12:45, Julie let Ms. Emerson, know that she had a call. After she got into her office, she picked up the phone. “Ms. Emerson.” “Sloane?” “Yes, hello?” “It’s Steve.” “Oh, hi.” “You called?” “Yes, hi, how are you doing?” “Well, I’m fine, how are you? You sounded sad on the phone.” She almost smiled when she heard him say that. “Hmm... I guess I’m, I guess I’m lonely.” “You? I can’t believe it.” “I don’t know ... but I was wondering what you were doing tonight, Steve.” “I had plans tonight, I --” “Oh, I’m sorry, what are you doing?” “I was planning on seeing you, girl.” She started to smile at him. “The only problem is that you didn’t tell me what time I was seeing you.” “Steve, did you want to come over to my place, or did you want to go out somewhere?” “How about I come to your place after dinner, say seven, and we can figure out what we want to do from there.” “Great. And thanks, Steve.” “It’s the least I can do. I’ll see you tonight.” After getting off the phone with Steve, it was almost 1:00. She talked a few minutes with Kyle before Toby found her at the lab table. Toby tapped her shoulder while she was leaning over to rescan test results. She turned her head and saw Toby waiting for her. “Hi Toby.” “Hey, ready to go?” “Sure. Let me get my coat.” Toby walked toward her office as she turned to Kyle and said, “Okay, all I keep thinking is that we’re on the right track here, but the results seem to be not promising enough still. We’ve been attacking one part of the virus in the vaccine with these tests, but maybe there’s a way to get to it on more than one level, because I think that’s going to be the only way this vaccine can actually work on a wider basis like we’d need. We’ve got some archived records of earlier stages of discovering HIV, and I think that would be the direction that would get us a vaccine that would work for a larger number of possible mutations that HIV could go through... Now, I’m going to be out for a bit because I’m actually really starved, but we’ll talk more about what to do on this tomorrow, okay?”
Toby drove Sloane to a bar/restaurant that was right on the water’s edge, so that they could just sit and eat and talk to each other about what was going on in their lives. They decided to eat at the bar because there was next to nobody there, and she asked the bartender for a Cookie Dough Martini. “What’s that?” Toby asked as the bartender started to walk away. “The sign says it has cookie dough liqueur and vodka and coffee liqueur, so I thought I’d try it.” “Liquor while you’re at work? What’s up?” “I’m not saying a word until you talk to me about what is going on with you.” Knowing that her talking would probably just shut Toby up if he wanted to talk, she begged Toby to go first. Trying to think of the appropriate questions, she asked about progress in replicating the materials in the tree sap so that Toby could continue doing his work. “If nothing else,” Toby continued, “maybe we would know how to replicate parts of the original materials so that we could continue to do our research.” “The best way to go about doing it,” trying to interject, “would be to see if there was any way you could replicate it with natural materials instead of more chemical ones, so that it would be easier to inject in the body.” “Yeah, I know,” Toby said in agreement. “We’ve been trying to look at existing plants for any of the components of this material -- you know how they use different seeds and leaves from different plants herbs and stuff, we’re trying to see if we can use a ton of different plant sources to try to emulate this original plant material.” “But you’ll want to be sure there are no side effects or allergic reactions to this new material you get together once you’ve made it. I know that some people have reactions to herbs like St. John’s wort or Kava Kava or stuff like that.” “Yeah, we have to make sure we make something that people can actually take,” Toby said. “It would be a real shame if you created a drug to help people, but no one could take it because most were allergic to it, Toby...” “Yeah, but considering the effects that the existing drugs have on some people, they still take them, because it will help them out, so we have to make sure the effects at least won’t be too severe. And how do you know about herbs like that in the body in the first place? ... Is this stuff that’s going into your company’s new book I’ve read about?” Sloane was just starting to get comfortable talking about a type of AIDS research that wasn’t something her team was working on, but this question threw a little jolt back into her and sent her back to reality. “Yes, we’re doing a book for patients, called The Battle from the Inside.” “So you’re trying to pull that off in addition to your research and test work?” Unable to immediately answer him, she had to try to think of the right way to tell him about that had been going on. She was also feeling the first martini she ordered and was gesturing to the bartender to make her another one. “It has been a lot of work, but we’re trying...” Toby leaned back after ordering a club sandwich; Sloane ordered another drink. “You want anything to eat?” “Could I just eat some of your fries?” “You could have them all if you want, I usually don’t like fries.” As the bartender walked away with their order of a drink and a sandwich, Toby turned back to Sloane. “You amaze me.” “Why?” “You’ve got so much going on, and you always seem to be ahead of the game. How on earth do you do it?” Grabbing her drink, she threw the last of it down her throat and pushed the glass forward. “I don’t know, Toby, I don’t know.” Toby saw her getting sad as she answered him, and watched the bartender take her glass away and give her another martini. Knowing she doesn’t drink, and especially not during the day like this, he got more and more concerned. “You’ve always done it so well in the past... How do you keep so ahead of the game? “For the most part, I don’t sleep much and I’m not social. Is that the answer you wanted?” “And you don’t drink much either. So what’s happening?” Not knowing how to answer, she took a slight pause. “Toby, sometimes the cards seem to stack up against you, and after a while you think...” “What?” “You think you’ve got a losing hand.” “Oh, don’t talk like that.” “But you have to keep playing, because it’s the only hand you’ve got... And you keep thinking, ’did I choose the wrong cards?’ or ’how do you fight when your opponent’s got such a good hand?’, or --” “This is so not sounding like you. Really, what’s going on?” At this point in the game she had to come clean and try to tell him about the run of problems that Madison has had to face in the past two weeks. The first on her list was discovering his problem, but then she went into the U.S. government trying to go through Madison’s files. Then she mentioned someone dying in a car accident that wanted to give her information about AIDS. The last thing on her list was that after they were ready to send the book to press, her contact at the press, one of her dearest friends from college, was attacked and hit with an HIV-infected needle. Toby thought she was being too paranoid when she listed all of the problems, but when he heard the last item, he stopped in his tracks, because he had no idea of what to say to her at that point. “Yes, Toby, that last one happened just before Midnight Saturday our time on the other side of the country, and I was called in due to my relationship with drugs and the book, so I was in New York all day yesterday trying to help my friend so that HIV might possibly be stopped. You know, before it turns into full-blown AIDS.” They sat in silence while Sloane took a gulp of her drink. “So yes, this is what I’ve been going through, Toby, and yes, if I ever needed to escape with alcohol, now would be the time.” Before Toby could even have the chance to attempt to answer all of this, the bartender walked over to them and handed Toby a plate with his sandwich. The kitchen even put the fries on a separate plate, and since the bartender heard Toby tell her that she could have his fries, he put the plate of fries toward her. “Would you like catsup with your fries?” The bartender asked them, leaning slightly towards her. Looking up, she answered, “Yes, please, thank you.” The bartender turned and walked toward the back of the place to bring catsup and condiments to them. Toby finally spoke after he had a bit of his food. “So this is a friend of yours from college ... was this when I went to school with you?” Realizing that Toby might have thought he knew Carter, she had to jump in, “No, Toby, this was a friend that I met through my roommate in undergraduate. We’d been friends ever since, and he runs a new-clients branch of a New York book publishing company, and we struck a deal together for Madison’s book.” “Holy shit,” was all Toby could get out. “So you drink now. I get it. And hey, they’re on me, too.” Sloane was drinking as he said those words, so she tried to protest. “You’re buying? Why?” “You went to Miami, so I figure I can do something for you with news like this.” Smiling, she thanked him. “Cheaper than a flight across the country?” “Shut up. But you know, if you need someone to bitch to about it at all, feel free to bug me. I really don’t mind being there for you if you need it.” He watched her drink more as he tried to continue. “I like you, and ... I don’t know, I can learn to shut up about my own problems sometimes...” Once again, she laughed, as they then tried to get through their food. The rest of the afternoon for her at Madison was a bit more of a blur than she was used to. Kyle bounced some ideas off her, but this time he became more of the instigator in ideas and conversation than Sloane. For once she felt like one of the followers, this time by choice, and she just soaked up information as ideas were handed to her. By the end of the day she was anxious to get out of the office and get back to her place, another feeling that she seldom had when she worked. After checking with Julie and knowing there were no calls from Quentin and Ms. Stempel, she knew there was nothing more she could do. She ran through the list in her head: Not about to work on the book, not able to get a hold of Carter, not able to work. Beginning to wonder if all of her decisions now only caused harm to others or her work, she packed her belongings to go home. “Wait,” she thought, “my dad never called back.” So she called him at home to see if he was there. “Hello?” “Dad, hi, it’s Sloane, did you get my --” “Hi buttercup, I completely forgot to call you back. How are you?” “Oh, I’m tired, a bit frazzled...” “Are you okay? Are you not feeling well?” “I feel fine, dad, it’s just that a bad things have been happening, so I am feeling a bit down.” “Is that why you asked about seeing everyone?” “Well, yes, I thought it would be a good idea to see how everyone was doing...” “I’ll give the kids a call so we can plan a time to have dinner together. Can you make it in the next week or two?” “I think so ... though I might have to go out of town on business this weekend. But let me know, and I’ll find a way to see you all. And things are okay with you?” “Yep, still doing the same rock collection work for the University ... not much changes with my work, you know that.” “I didn’t know if anything has been going on outside of work, dad.” “Well, no one has given me a winning lottery ticket, and I’m not dating anyone -- you should know me by now.” “I just like to check up on you, you know. Make sure you’re not doing anything your daughter wouldn’t approve of.” “I can’t believe you!” Sloane giggled as he continued. “Let me check with the other kids and we’ll get back to you with dinner plans, okay?” They agreed and said good-bye to each other As she walked out of her office with her coat and her bags, Howard walked up to her before Kyle had the chance to check up on her. “You know, I haven’t had the chance to see how you were doing, Sloane. You look really tired.” Thinking for a moment that she might use this as an excuse to actually use a sick day, she answered, “I didn’t get much sleep yesterday, and I don’t know if it’s that or if I’m just not feeling well.” “Well, take a sick day tomorrow if you need it,” Howard answered. She managed to look up at him before she dropped her head. “Thanks. I’ll keep it in mind, and you guys have a good evening, too...” she said as she walked toward the exit doors. Getting hungry on her way home, thinking of Toby’s lunch, she pulled over to a deli to get herself a sandwich to go. She even made a point to stop next door at the liquor store first to see if there was anything she would need at home, in case Steve wanted to just stay at her place. After looking at the choices, she decided it would be best to go to the store with him to figure out what they needed to drink. Her car reeked of the roast beef in her sandwich by the time she pulled up to her apartment complex, making her want to eat more. She eyed people as she got out of her car and crept toward her mailbox before unlocking her door to go inside. She made a scan of her home again, the way she did when she left in the morning, to see if anything had changed. She turned on all lights to check all rooms, and swung all doors wide open to make sure. All seemed clear. Remembering that she would have company coming over in less than two hours, she made a point to put her coat in the closet and move her briefcase to the floor under her desk. Cleaning up the apartment would come after she ate dinner. The refrigerator had a six-pack of beer in it, so she pulled out a can to have with her sandwich. She used her bag for a plate and she moved to the dining room table to try to shove food down her throat. After she finished her roast beef sandwich she began cleaning. Having to create a checklist in her mind, she worked on her home like it was a ritual: * Kitchen first. clean any dishes, put away garbage, put and clean dishes back into the cabinets, check the refrigerator to make sure it looks more organized, take out the glass cleaner and the scrubbing cleaners to clean off the counters, the stove, and the front of the refrigerator. She even checked the floor to make sure it didn’t need to be mopped. The final step was sweeping the floor. * The bathroom next. Bring the cleaners into the bathroom, clean off the mirror, put the hairbrush away. Wipe down the sink, make sure the shower door is cleaned off, put the floor rugs in the right place and refold the towels. * On to the living room. Put away the glass cleaners and bring out a rag for polishing. Stack what magazines that were out, place them in the magazine rack next to the couch. Stack any journals or medical books in a pile on the left-hand side of her desk. Fluff the two existing pillows and place them on the sides of the couch. Move the two candles and separate holders to the coffee table in front of the couch so she could clean the shelf off. She forgot to move the candles and holders back, and without thinking about it, Steve would probably see them and think that Sloane was trying to be romantic, but didn’t have the time or energy to finish the look. * Back to the bedroom. Make the bed. Why did she ever have to make the bed, she thought, because nobody ever came over that she had to impress her home with anyway. There was a second pair of shoes on the floor near the closet. After opening the closet door, she threw her shoes to an empty spot. When she closed the doors and checked to make sure everything was cleaned up in her last room, she noticed that her suitcase from her trip to New York was still closed, on the floor in the corner. Then it hit her again. She was trying not to think about it, she knew that there was nothing she could do about it, and all it took to remind her was this suitcase, still packed. All she had the energy to do was sit on the floor in her bedroom, almost next to her suitcase. She had nothing other than her memories to remind her of what had just happened this weekend. Carter’s books sat on her nightstand, and all she had of photographs of him were small author photos on the backs of the books he had written. Sitting next to her bed, she turned her body so that she could lean on the side of it. She looked over at her suitcase on the floor, then she leaned her head back and craned her head to see Carter’s books on her nightstand. Then she rolled her head to the side and closed her eyes. Less than a minute later the doorbell rang, making her jerk up. She then jumped up and rushed to move the suitcase to the wall, standing it upright. She glanced at the room to make sure it was clean. The clock read 6:57; Steve was just early, and she ran out to the front door. Leaning her head against the door she called, “Who is it?” “It’s Steve.” He sounded a little surprised to her when he responded, so she turned around and unlatched the door. Steve heard the door creak open; he saw her head down. He could only see her black hair draping down, arching around her face, almost buried in shadow. These were moments he wanted to memorize an image, because this image was beautiful to him, and he wanted to be able to keep it forever. He couldn’t talk; he wanted to wait for her to make the first move. Sloane slowly lifted her head. “Hi, Steve, come in.” Steve walked in without saying a word. “Thanks for coming by,” she said as he moved forward and turned around to watch her close the door. “Not a problem at all,” Steve answered. “I’m a good listener, you know.” “But I don’t want to be covered in your next column Steve...” “You’ve got a deal.” Steve took his coat off as he was ready to put it on her coat rack by the door. “I know you’ve asked me about stuff like that before, and I wouldn’t say a word about it.” “Would you like to stay here for something to drink, or would you like to go out for something?” “Well, maybe we could go out for a bit and then come back...” “Okay,” she said as she reached to the closet to get her own overcoat. “Have any places in mind, or should I pick something out?” “I don’t know much around here, so I’ll go with your choice.” Sloane decided they could go to the same bar/restaurant she was at for lunch with Toby. They got into the car, and she started to explain the place. “It’s just a place to hang out in, they serve sandwiches and French fries and stuff like that for meals, and they have appetizers, but they have a lot of drink choices too. I went there for a drink at lunch, and they had a really good martini.” Steve was convinced with whatever she recommended and they arrived at the bar twenty minutes later. As they walked in Steve had a good look at the place: there was a bar at the center and tables and booths all around the sides. Sloane asked, “Where would you like to sit?” Steve saw that it was relatively empty because it was closer to the business district, so he said, “I think we’ll have no problems with service at a table.” Someone asked if they would like a table, and Steve suggested to the maitre d’ to get them a booth, before they were escorted to a booth. Sloane looked up and asked if a waitress could come by right away. Steve didn’t realize she wanted something to consume so quickly. The waitress walked up right away. “Hi, my name is Janine, would you like to start off with a drink?” “I’d like a cookies and cream martini.” Steve stared at her as she spoke so quickly and efficiently until he realized that Janine was looking at him. “Um... I’d like a vodka and tonic, and we may only get appetizers tonight.” “Gotcha,” they heard Janine say as she walked toward the bar. Steve turned to Sloane immediately when the waitress left. “A cookies and cream martini?” “Yeah, I tried that at lunch and it was really good.” Steve looked down at the drinks portion of the menu. “Good mix of stuff in here ... and you drank this for lunch?” “Steve, I’m at this point right now where I don’t feel like immersing myself in my work too much.” “That doesn’t sound like what little I know of you.” “Oh, wait, I forgot to tell you,” she said as she did her best to change the subject. “I didn’t get anything to drink for my place because I thought that if you wanted something, we could go to the store together and pick out stuff. If that’s okay with you.” “That’s fine. We can get whatever you need too.” “But that’s the thing, I don’t buy liquor, I don’t even know what I’d want.” Steve looked over to the menu. “so you like this drink?” “Yes...” “Well, we could make sure we get these things and work on making it at home if you’d like.” “You think you could make it up at my place? We don’t know how much of each liquor...” “Well, we can keep fudging with it until we get it to your liking, then we’ll have your own recipe for it.” “... Okay...”” “So why are you wanting to drink so much all of a sudden?” Steve asked. Sloane took a deep breath before she began. “When a friend of mine who was doing research work for AIDS came into a huge spell of trouble, all he wanted to do was drink, to escape and wallow in misery. I thought he was making a wrong choice by escaping, but now that’s all I want to do.” “You want to escape?” “Steve, I swear, I can’t think of anything else that I can do to solve any of the problems that we’ve got right now.” “And drinking will make it better?” “... No, it won’t make it better, but it may allow me to stop thinking about it all for a little while.” Steve knew he couldn’t really argue with that, but he also knew he could never argue with her opinions. “Looking for a little escapism tonight?” Thinking about not understanding why people seem to want to drink so much in the past, and thinking about what she had to deal with now, she then answered, “Yes. I think that’s exactly what I want.” “Okay, girl, so it’s my job to let you drink tonight.” “Isn’t that what every man wants on a date?” “I didn’t think you thought of this as a date, and all it means for me is that I get to be a baby-sitter for you in part...” “Oh. Does that ... bother you?” Steve hated it when she asked him questions that he couldn’t help but be painfully honest to. “Nothing you do can bother me.” They let a few moments pass. Steve ordered chips and salsa, and imagined that he’d need her to have a vitamin, a painkiller, and a glass of water before she went to sleep tonight. Sloane ordered another drink, and Steve was stunned at how quickly she could go through one of their martinis. “Hey girl, let me have a taste of your martini so I know what we’ll try to make for you later tonight.” She slid her martini over to him so he could drink out of her glass. “Damn that’s sweet -- you only get a hint of the liquor in there.” “Yeah, it’s good.” “No wonder you’re going through them so fast.” “Hmm. It’s a good thing that right now I don’t really care.” “Okay, I can’t take it any more. Are you going to tell me what the problem is? Or is my job to just watch you drink?” “You have to swear that none of this comes out, Steve, not in writing or talking.” “Well ... sure... okay ... you’ve got my word.” She didn’t know where to begin or what parts of the story would necessary to omit. “It seems that bit by bit, parts of my ability to work on AIDS research are being taken away.” “Oh, come on --” “No, really. I have just noticed it, piece by piece. The first thing was that a colleague of mine had rain forest land destroyed that he needed for research. Now, that is not my personal news, it’s just something I noticed as a problem with trying to get somewhere in getting good medication.” Steve continued to listen to her speak. “Then I was told by someone that more things like this would happen to researchers, he couldn’t give me any more information about it, and the next thing I knew he was killed in a hit-and-run car accident. Then after that Madison was blamed for stealing materials from the U.S. government, and I had to run a press conference to make my own stand.” The waitress came over with the chips and salsa and Steve responded. “But I saw your press conference. It was phenomenal! You seemed to do really well with that one.” “Yes, I have to start playing with the media to get the government off our backs, instead of continue to do my job.” “I think everyone is on your side though, after that first press conference.” “The government isn’t, though. They went to our offices to look through files of ours and try to go into our computers. We knew they were coming, so we hid everything, and we made sure that we had all of our information documented, but then the CEO of Madison kept me in his office while the government people came in to look through all of our stuff.” “He did that?” “Yeah, he told them he was in a meeting and couldn’t be reached, and he had Madison tell the government people that I was not in the office. Can you believe that?” “Oh my God. Did it end up working out for you guys though?” “I really have no idea, because I wasn’t there, but we probably pissed off the U.S. Scientific Research Advancement Department people who were trying to check us out.” “Did they have any reason to be checking you out in the first place?” “No. They never showed any evidence that we did anything to them, and they never even had any reports or findings in the past year that they had even done similar research in the first place.” They continued to talk about these topics while they ate chips. She washed down her food with more martinis. After they were there for almost two hours, Steve had to ask, “But I saw how you were working in those press conferences, and I know how people are reacting to your comments -- they love you and Madison. What do you have to worry about now?” That’s when she shook her head. “Two things ... one is that I was told that the pressure on myself and researchers is only going to get worse, and --” “This is the guy that died after he told you that?” “Yeah, but worse has happened since these last things.” “Like what? ... Wait, do you want to continue this talking at your place? We’ve been here long enough...” “Sure, you’re probably right.” Steve dropped cash down over the check and carried it all over to the front of the bar. “What are you doing? What do I owe?” “Look, girl, I don’t get the chance to hang out with you too much, so let me do this for you tonight.” Steve left out his arm for Sloane to hold on to while he walked her to his car. He could tell that she needed a little help with walking as he unlocked her door and opened it for her. When they arrived at a liquor store, Steve held the door open for her to walk in. “It’s very white in here,” she said. “What?” “It’s really bright in here.” “It’s not a bar.” “Why do bars have such low light?” “I think it’s because everyone is trying to find a mate, and low light covers up people’s imperfections...” “So low light is like beer-bottle glasses?” “Oh, you make everything sound so beautiful...” “It’s still bright in here, Steve.” “You’ve got to see what you’re buying, and I think you were just getting too used to the low light of that bar.” They walked around the store a few times, looking for Kahlua, cookies-and-cream liqueur and vodka. Sloane asked Steve if he wanted tonic water to have drinks with the vodka, so they picked up a few extra things so they could drink at her place. Steve even picked out a bottle of vodka that came in a box with martini glasses as a part of a set so that she could have a glass to drink from. Steve still tried to play the role of the gentleman by trying to open the car door for her or carry what he had purchased into her place for her. Before he could even worry about getting his coat off, Steve brought the bag to the kitchen and asked, “I’m sure you don’t have a shaker for your drink, so have you got a good metal spoon?” She found everything he needed for making drinks after she put her hands on his shoulders and gestured to take his coat for him so she could hang it up. “I know you don’t need a blender,” she said. “No, just ice to mix this all together with,” Steve answered. “I’ve got this refrigerator that dispenses whole or crushed ice cubes, so you can have your choice.” Steve made what he thought might work and brought it to her on the other side of the kitchen. “Let me know what you think.” Taking a sip, she immediately responded, “too vodka-ish.” She handed the glass back to Steve and he tasted it. “Okay,” he said as he went back to work. The second round of testing worked out almost perfectly. Sloane had her drink and Steve mixed his vodka and tonic together to join her in the living room. “You haven’t even sat down yet,” Steve said as he walked to meet up with her, standing in front of the couch. “Or would you like to toast before we sit?” Looking at her glass, she then looked over to Steve. “I can’t image what to toast to.” “If you’ve been having problems, then here is to the light at the end of the tunnel.” Steve watched her smile as they clinked their glasses and drank. “Wow, this is good,” She said after she drank. “Well, I do what I can,” he said as he sat down with her. Steve set his glass on the table and noticed the candles and holders she left there while cleaning on the cocktail table. “Hey, why don’t we light the candles?” “Let me get the matches from the kitchen,” she said as Steve started to put the candles in the holders. This was starting to kill Steve. He was standing in a darkened room putting candles in holders, alone with her after he made her a potent drink to have after the four she had drank at the bar. He still couldn’t believe he was here, with her, right at this moment, in this way. He knew he had to ask what else was going on with her, and he wanted to be there to listen to her, but... Actually, he was surprised, because he wasn’t thinking about making love to her, but he was thinking about being able to hold her to make her feel better. Steve didn’t want to believe she was actually getting to him. He even looked down at himself, checked himself out, and tried to make sure that he was Steve Errman, that this was the real world. He reminded himself that this was real as soon as he heard her walk in with matches. Reaching out his hand, he said, “Let me do the honors...” and she handed the matches to him when she approached. Hearing her sit down on the couch, he lit a match to light the candles. They had a napkin on the table, so he placed the match he then blew out on the napkin and sat down next to her. Noting that her glass was still on the table, he reached over and picked it up to give to her. “So, what did you think of that toast?” “I thought it was...” “What?” “I thought it was unreal, Steve.” “What do you mean by that?” “It means I’m afraid things are just going to be getting harder and harder until I can’t take it any longer.” “You don’t believe in the light at the end of the tunnel?” “I believe I’m in a tunnel with a fork, and I don’t know where that light is going to be coming from.” “I have no idea what that means.” “It means that I am afraid about continuing my research, for everything I value and for my own safety.” Steve waited a moment before asking his next question. “You say this because this was the rest of what you had to tell me, isn’t it?” “Okay... Have you heard about us working on a book?” “Yes. Things aren’t going well with that?” “That’s just a small part of the problem. Remember how I told you that I was informed that things will get more and more difficult for researchers to work on AIDS medications?” “Yes...” “Okay, I have to tell you how we got this book going in the first place for this to make sense. I had a long-time friend, a good friend, who worked at a high position at a New York publishing company. I talked things over with him -- Mr. Donovan -- and this is why we got this book on the road. The book seemed to be doing well, it’s supposed to go to the printer by the end of this week --” “And? That sounds good...” “Well, last weekend, Mr. Donovan was attacked at night, next to nothing was stolen from him, but he was injected with an HIV-infected needle.” “He what?” “He’s been given HIV.” “And you --” “And I happened to be called because my business card was in his wallet, so I went to New York for the day to see how he was doing ... it was a good thing that he had my number, because I noticed the needle and had the right toxicology screen done, which they wouldn’t have done, and I was then able to overload him with a ton of AZT and Emivir within twelve hours of him being infected. I can only hope that will make a difference for him.” Steve was silent for a moment before he spoke. “I’m really sorry about your friend.” She almost cried when she heard him say those words aloud to her. He’s not just a friend, but she couldn’t tell the world this, and she knew she couldn’t tell Steve. “I haven’t told this to anyone else, but he is one of my best friends in the world. I cried for hours last night, and I was not able to do anything at work today. I called family and friends, because all I can think is that this was done to stop research, I don’t know when it’s going to stop or what measures will be taken. I mean, I even went out for drinks at lunch on a workday with a colleague doing research on AIDS at the University. “I haven’t even opened my suitcase to put away my clothes from yesterday. I haven’t even wanted to work. I haven’t even --” she almost started to cry. “What?” Steve asked as he moved closer to her and put his arm around the back of the couch so he could hold her if she needed it. “I ... I’ve just been wanting to ... I’ve...” This was when she started crying, and Steve immediately moved his glass to the table and took her glass to place on the table. Steve moved toward her and instinctively put his arms around her. Placing his hand on her head to guide her to his chest to cry if she needed it. “It’s okay, Sloane ... I’m here ... It’s okay ...” “I’ve just been wanting to stop thinking, Steve. I’m so tired of thinking about all of this.” “Shhh... Just relax...” “It’s just... You know, I want to escape now.” “Well, that’s what the drinking is for, honey...” She knew it had started working, so she started giggling. “What are you laughing for?” “Steve, you called me honey.” “Did that bother you?” She still giggled. “Actually, no. It was cute.” Steve began thinking through what she had said before. “You said before that there’s a fork in your tunnel, right, and you don’t know where the light is?” “Yeah, I don’t know which way to go.” “Well, you could dump your research. Do you want to do that?” “No. Not at all. But I don’t want to lose anyone to my work.” Steve waited a moment, then asked more. “What did you want to do when you were little?” “I don’t know, actually. I thought for a while about being a computer science engineer. Wait, for a little while I even thought about being a singer in a band, but there was no chance for that --” “Oh my gosh, let me go through this. Think about if you took another path in your life. Because I can see you now, business suit on, hair pulled back in a bun, people asking you computer-networking questions. How do you like that image?” “Well...” “Did you ever watch the show ’Cheers’? I’m totally seeing you as Lillith now, you know, barking like a dog, this frail little bossy thing,--” Sloane started laughing. “And she always had to be right, didn’t she?” “Oh my God no!” he kept laughing. “I like the path of being a singer. I’m confused now, would you be a grunge singer, looking like Curt Cobain from Nirvana, or would you come off as something more like Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey, belting out one word with eighteen different chord changes?” She couldn’t stop laughing at all the remarks. “I like the look of ’Sloane the Nirvana Queen’, actually, torn up jeans and a flannel shirt... very sexy...” “Oh stop it!” “Don’t tell me you’d be a Bette Midler wannabe?” He then felt Sloane roll over to the side of the couch away from him when she heard that one. Steve reached over and grabbed both of their glasses, handing her the martini glass as he said, “You don’t actually sing, do you?” Taking the glass, she said, “I did, I mean, I can.” “I don’t believe you. Sing something.” “Like what?” “I don’t know, just think of something.” Taking a swig of her martini, she tried to think of something. After a moment she threw her head back to get her hair out of her eyes “Um ... this one was written at the end of World War One, I think it’s a good song. Once in khaki suits, gee, we looked swell, Full of that Yankee Doodle de Dum, Half a million boots went slogging through Hell, I was the kid with the drums. Sloane let in a slight pause as she finished the chorus, noting that Steve was impressed with her singing. She started to feel more confident as she let out the last verse of the song, with more soul and energy. Say, don’t you remember, they called me ’Al’, It was ’Al’ all the time, Say, don’t you remember, I’m your pal, Brother, can you spare a dime. “You have a beautiful voice.” “Thanks, but really, what kind of money does a woman who likes to sing and has no training make?” “You’ve never taken a class or anything?” “No, I just like to sing and I can remember songs well.” “Wow. But you’ve got to stop showing me all of these talents of yours, because I was envious enough of you already,” Steve said as he stood up to take her empty glass, since she just finished the glass after singing. “Want more?” he asked. “Sure, thanks.” “Are you going to be okay tomorrow?” “Oh, I already decided I’m taking a sick day tomorrow. Someone even said I looked sick and suggested it to me today, so... Wait, so you have to work tomorrow?” “I got ahead on my writing this week, so I won’t have to even go into the paper until Wednesday. Why do you ask?” “You could just stay here if you needed to, that’s all.” “I’ll see how I’m doing later, but thanks...” he said as he walked toward the kitchen to make her a drink. Steve thought about it for a moment, about whether or not he should be strong, or if he would just hurt her. He knew that he didn’t want to destroy any sort of friendship they might now have; he thought about it until he placed their glasses on the counter. He then decided that he would have to try, so he left the glasses on the kitchen counter and walked back to the couch. He saw Sloane looking up at him as he walked until he was standing right in front of her. He looked straight into her eyes and asked, “I’m about to do something, and I want to do it because I really care about you, but I don’t want to offend you.” His voice became stern as he asked her a question, without sounding like he was asking. “So I’m going to do something, and I want you to be okay with it.” She looked a bit confused, but answered. “Okay.” He reached down and put his hand on the back of her neck and started to kiss her. He couldn’t believe this, she wasn’t fighting him, dear God, he didn’t want to stop, but he didn’t want to take too long and get her angry. He felt her hand reach around and touch his cheek. When he felt her touch his face he knew he just had to stop, only because he didn’t want to take it too far. About one second later he started to pull away from her lips, and he slowly moved his head up to kiss her forehead. Then he turned around to go back to the kitchen to make their drinks. As she watched him walk away, her mind raced, what did she just let him do, damn he felt good, what is going to happen to Carter, would Steve want more, what should she say. Carter would have to understand that sometimes, well, sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, and sometimes she needs something there to make her feel human again, and it doesn’t change how she feels about him. Maybe she was just trying to find a way to justify what happened, but in her mind she knew that the action was justified. Once Steve got to the counter in front of her glasses, he rested his weight on both hands, leaning on her counter. After two seconds he moved one hand over his mouth; he still couldn’t believe what had just happened, he didn’t want to push her too hard, but damn, she felt so good, and she hadn’t stopped him. Was she drinking too much, and what if she ended up hating him for what he just did. Oh God. Oh God, was all he could think. Just make her a drink and don’t take too long and try to make sure that everything works out okay. Knowing the right amount of each liqueur, he was able to make her martini easily, and he made a point to add extra crushed ice to it so it would be a bit more watered down. He threw his drink together with ease, put both glasses in his hands, then took a deep breath before walking back into the living room. As he approached her and handed her the glass, Sloane turned around to look at him. She took it without saying a word. Steve walked around and sat next to her before he spoke. “Are you okay?” She waited a second, then shook her head up and down. “Yes.” “I hope I didn’t --” “No, you didn’t.” “You don’t even know what I was going to say to you.” “Steve, I have the feeling that whatever you were going to say, my answer would have been the same.” She looked at him for a moment before she spoke again. “But I have to ask you something ... why did you just kiss me?” “... Because you deserved it.” She hadn’t expected that answer; it was a pleasant surprise. “Oh,” she answered. “Now I have one more question. “Shoot. What is it?” “Well, can I lean on you for a bit?” He didn’t expect that question, and all he could do was move a little so she could lean on him and still be sitting on the couch. After she leaned on him and took a drink, he said, “I guess if I stay here tonight you don’t want me to sleep in your bed with you...” “I suppose there’s no reason why you shouldn’t,” she answered. “You think you’ll need to crash here?” “It might be easier, whenever we decide to call it a night.” Steve’s mind was still thinking about everything that had happened so far. All he could think to say was, “What else would you like to talk about?” “You know, I think I’ve heard enough out of my mouth tonight, and I think I need to hear about someone else’s stories.” Sloane took a sip from her glass and continued. “What has been going on with you?” They talked on the couch for another hour and a half. Then Steve finally made her drink a glass of water with a multi-vitamin and an aspirin. “Why are you making me take this?” “A friend of mine said whenever he partied too much, he’d take this before he went to bed. And he never had a hangover. Seeing that we’ve drank a ton, it seems a smart idea...” So Sloane brushed her teeth, drank her water and took Steve’s hangover cure before putting on her silk pajamas and getting into bed. Steve wore a pair of her sweat pants to bed, kept a water glass on her nightstand, and reached over to give her a small kiss good night on the forehead.
Click here for Chapter 15 of The Key To Believing
|
portions of this book are in the following books:
|
