[the Writing of Kuypers][JanetKuypers.com][Bio][Poems][Prose]
jarv 2005started 08/29/98, turned into prose 09/25/05well it always seems to me a day with you can feel like a month together, and still, in a month we can live a lifetime. Why do the days seem so impossible to overcome? Why cant someone learn the answers to these questions and why cant someone solve the mysteries of the day? Sometimes I wish that life would be easier. Why cant the simple answers be the answers for some people like me?
Months make time disappear when you seem to disappear from my thoughts, from my sight... and then someone has to go and remind me of you, and all my thoughts of you come rushing back. I dont know where you go while youre gone, and I dont know why Im forced to remember you, and I dont know what to do with all these questions that no one can answer for me.
How many times will I be forced to remember the past, my saying good-bye to you, my forgetting you? I wish you could know a fraction of the thoughts that have been in my head, since your death, since mine. Sometimes I wonder if theres just no sense in the world. I mean, is that all there is to it? Is someone just pulling one big joke on me, like pulling the wool over my eyes? When is everything supposed to just get better and have a happy ending? Every once in a while I see a painting that you did and I think of you and I still feel sad. I wonder when the pain will go away, when I will eventually just forget you and that will be the end of it. Well, that hasnt come yet. Im still witing for that day. Someone tell me when it comes? Someone?
I had the whole image in my head: I was in the hospital recovering from after the coma and the only way for you to visit me there would be through the cars that I can see out my window. And you came to the door and got rid of my family that would have recognized you and would have said, Òhey, hes alive. Somebody stop him!Ó But my whole family wasnt around, not in my little dream that I pictured, and you came, and my doctors were mad and I was almost unconscious and you tried to talk to me. And I tried to make sense in my head out of what you were saying, and I kept asking you if you were alive. That was all I could come up with to say to you on such short notice. And you kept asking me ÒwhatÓ, and still wanted me to never give you the right answer, the answer to whatever you were asking. I wanted the answers I had for you to just come spilling out of my mouth.
I wanted to tell you so much over the years. I wanted to let you know that, even if you never hear it or even if you never believe it, there has always been a part of me and there will always be a part of me however little you want to believe it there will always be a part of me that will always love you. That seems like such a shallow thing to say. That seems like such a shallow thing to repeat. But I guess I said it. So there it is. I know you loved me, I know I never told you I loved you back. Maybe that was wrong for me to do. Maybe when you were alive I just didnt know any better. Maybe I just wanted to always be right (that could have been it). Maybe I didnt want to use those words because youd think I wanted to marry you. But I didnt want to tie myself down to someone who would die at an earlier age. I know you deserved so much more than me. Most people did, I was mean. That was how I felt. I hope you did and you will always understand that.
Sometimes the answers didnt come to me, and sometimes I didnt know what to tell you at the times when you needed it most. I wish I could fill in all of the gaps that were missing from my less-than-perfect education. I needed to learn. And so did you, I suppose. And maybe we can one day forgive each other, and maybe even teach each other a thing or two one day. Ill still always be sorry to you, just so you know. I hope for now that this is enough of an apology. Forgive me.
|
|