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This appears in a pre-2010 issue
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Country Garden
Barbara Carroll
Come in. Come in, Dearie. Don’t be afraid. What’s that? Speak up, Sweetie. I’m a little hard of hearing. You need my help? What’s that? Speak up! If you’re a medical student, I’m out of cadavers. Maybe you can come back tomorrow. Say again? You need a lotion? A potion?
Come sit a moment and have a cup of tea. Then we’ll have a talk. I keep the water hot for visitors. Here’s a chair for you. Just sit right here. Don’t mind Fido. He’s rather large, but he won’t hurt you. Back! Back Fido! Get down! Let the lady have some tea.
Now then, one sugar or two, Dear? Here, have a cookie. I made them an hour ago. They’re a lovely snack. Oh yes, and you must have some of these cakes. They’re my specialty. That’s right. See how good it tastes? Some for me? Oh no, I’m fasting today. There now, drink your tea. Bitter? It must be your imagination, Dear. Try a little more sugar.
Now, Dearie, let’s talk. What would you like today? You’re a pretty little thing. I’ll wager you need a love potion. No? What’s that? I can’t quite hear you. Say again. You need a death potion? My, my! That’s a tall order for such a little thing! No Dear, I don’t need to know who it’s for, only how big is your—ah—victim. About two hundred pounds? Well, well, a large fellow. Hmmm. Now let me think.
Perhaps a lovely plant potion would do the trick. The nightshades are blooming in the garden. I could make a root extract. No? Well then, the curare vines are growing on the trellis. You passed them as you came through the jimsonweed. What? The Jimson? You didn’t like the smell? It is a bit fragrant! You’ll have to come back during the growing season. It smells nice then.
If curare’s not your fancy, did you see the lily of the valley out by the cemetery? The leaves make a lovely extract. I could brew it for you in about an hour. Oh yes, there’s monkshood, too. It’s very nice for keeping a body quiet.
What’s that? I see that nothing pleases you. Well, let me think. How about the bite of a beautiful little asp, or a brown recluse spider? Hmmm. I have some hairy scorpions, and a lovely pair of pale yellow ones from the desert.
No? Say again? Speak up, now! What is it? Blooms? Brooms? Mushrooms! So that’s it! Well then, we’ll have to go down a few levels for those. I have some lovely ones!
Right over here, Dear. You’ll need a candle. I’ll light it for you. There, step down, now. Hold the railing. Don’t be afraid. What’s that? Jonathan? Oh no, he won’t hurt you. Just step over him. He often lies on the floor like that.
They’re here, in the back. Yes, it is a little musty down here. What kind of mushrooms was it that you wanted? A fast acting one? Hmmm. Now let me think. Step down. Be careful of that trap door.
What’s that? How will the victim die? Well, Dearie, here’s how it goes. First your victim gets a mite queasy after he eats the mushrooms, then dizzy and weak. Now the rest depends on what you use. The death caps will give him a powerful thirst. The fly agaric will make him see and hear things that aren’t there. The galerinas will give him powerful back pain. The fiber heads will give him a pretty blue face and swollen lips, and the turbantops will give him fits. You can have your choice. Step right along here. I’ll show you my little beauties!
Watch out! Here Kitty, Kitty! Yes, she is a little large. Pretty Kitty! There’s a good girl! No, she’s not hissing at you. She must have seen a rat. She hunts them down here. Look out! Kitty will get it! Watch out! Step out of the way! There! Kitty caught it! My, my! He was a big fellow!
What’s the matter, Dear? Oh, that’s just Blackie. Let him perch on your shoulder. He won’t hurt you. Pretty bird! Pretty bird! See there, he likes you.
It’s just a little farther. Step down, now. Here are the death caps, a lovely batch. See how pearly white they are! Angels of death, my lovely little ones! See! Some of the bigger ones have a pretty little skirt beneath the cap. I grow them in half sand and half soil from the woods. Back in that corner are some light green ones. Very pretty! Very deadly!
What’s the matter? You look a little pale, Dearie. I must be tiring you out with my talking. What’s that? Stomach a little queasy? We’ll sit down here for a minute. There’s a rock where we can rest. I understand. You’ve had a long day. Just rest a little. That’s it. Ready to move on? There’s a brave soldier!
What’s that? How long do the death caps take? Well, they’ll polish off a victim in about three or four days.
Step down, now. On this level are the galerinas. I call them my ballerinas. See how pretty they are with the orange and brown caps! I do believe there’s a mouse in the back. Watch out for Kitty! Here she comes! Step back! Got it! Nice girl! Go and play on the other side, now!
How long? My little ballerinas are slow acting. They can take up to three months to do in a victim. They’ll send your chosen one on a roller coaster ride. Better, worse. Better, worse, until he dies.
My, my! You don’t look well, Dear. We’d better hurry. I have so many to show you. The next ones are right through this tunnel. The draft blew your candle out. Here, I’ll light it with mine. That’s it. Now, here we are.
Dearie, you must look at these turbantops. They’re Jonathan’s favorites. He thinks they look like a brain from an old cadaver. What do you think? Are you ill, Dear? You’re dizzy? Well, we just have a few more to see. Don’t fall. Perhaps you’d better lean on my arm. It’s just a little farther to the fiber heads. They’re not as pretty as the others, but they’ll do a job on your victim. I call them my Plain Jane mushrooms. Hello, babies! We have a visitor!
The footing is uneven here. Be careful! Dearie, you don’t look well at all! Dearie, don’t lay on the muddy floor like that! Dearie! Dearie?
Jonathan! Come down here! There’s one for the cooler!
