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If I Should Die Before I Wake

Ronald Brunsky

    Was life eternal like the universe and time? Would our souls continue on forever, or were we relegated to this one shot?
    Would the afterlife remain forever our greatest enigma? The common conjecture has run the gamut, from heaven and hell to reincarnation to nothingness.
    No matter how strong our religious convictions, there would always be that shred of doubt. How could anyone be absolutely sure?
    The true knowledge of the afterlife would reap such benefits for mankind. All the conflicts stemming from religious differences could be resolved. But alas, there doesn’t seem to be any possible way to find out the truth short of our own demise — or was there?
    Steve Brown’s thirty year career in investigative reporting has seen its share of ups and downs. Although a brilliant journalist, popular and respected amongst his peers, shame and low self-esteem triggered drinking binges that often put his job in jeopardy.
     He was tired of the pressures of the job, and the hectic life-style of New York City. So, when the Courier offered him a buyout, he jumped at the chance.
    Not that he was ready for the back porch or the ole fishing hole, but he did seek a slower paced less complicated life.
    After selling his apartment, he bought his parents old farm house in Ohio and took over as editor of the Appleton Gazette. The relaxed responsibilities of getting out a weekly newspaper suited him fine.

######

    Moving back to Appleton brought back many memories of his youth, most were unpleasant.
    Growing up in the Midwest, he was the son of very strict religious parents — religious to the extent of church on Sunday and prayer meetings during the week.
    So, when as a teen he discovered that his sexual desires were not normal, he knew he couldn’t seek advice from his parents. After all, they had told him a hundred times homosexuals were sinners and would go to hell.
    This was the 60’s, being gay was not accepted behavior anywhere, especially rural Ohio. After college he and his secret moved east, never to return, not even for his parent’s funerals — until now.

    After a long weekend in which Steve wrapped up some business in New York, he arrived at his desk. He made assignments for his reporters and checked his mail.
    One e-mail in particular grabbed his attention. It was from Mary Whitten, daughter of prominent retired evangelist, Reverend Robert Finsterwald.
    “I would like to hire you to investigate the rather strange circumstances that occurred prior to my father’s surgery; he is currently recovering from a liver transplant in a nursing home in upstate New York.”
    After further communication Steve found out the complete story. Reverend Finsterwald was in grave condition, with only weeks to live. Since, his name was way down the list of recipients, he was offered a trial procedure that would give him more time.
    The doctors told Mary that he would be put into sort of a hibernation state — never done before. During this time, he would be in total seclusion, until a donor was ready. Even though it was risky, she agreed; she realized it was his only chance.
    It was almost six months later, when she was informed that the surgery had been successfully performed. Everything seemed fine. She was anticipating him moving in with her family and pursuing his favorite hobby, gardening, but when the reverend started making some very incoherent statements, like: “I want to go back.”, “The soul is everything.”, and “The universe makes sense now,” her plans were put on hold.
    The doctors thought the long hibernation period might have done some damage to his mental faculties, and transferred him to a full care nursing home.

######

    Steve, intrigued by the story, agreed to look into the situation. He went to the nursing home and interviewed the reverend and the doctors who supervised the hibernation process. He found out that it was top secret, and nobody was discussing it.
    Calling on all of his expertise from years of investigative reporting, he uncovered some unbelievable news. A story that would top anything he had ever reported.
    He discovered that the evangelist’s heart was actually stopped, and he had been frozen — dead for six months!
    This new method of freezing a human body left it perfectly preserved, for an indefinite period — almost like time had stopped at the instant of his last heartbeat!
    The common method of cryogenic storage of a human body does irreversible damage to the organs and tissues, due to the extreme low temperatures. This new method combined warmer temperatures slightly lower than freezing, a tissue friendly anti-freeze solution that replaced the blood, and a computer that somehow monitored and coordinated the entire process.
    This exciting news was a major story in itself, but it was completely overshadowed by his interview with Reverend Finsterwald, in which he vividly described in great detail every experience during that six month period. After hearing his account, Steve was convinced he had the strongest case ever made for “Life after Death.”

######

    In the interview, the reverend first describes events similar to other “Life after Death” experiences already documented. Like: the light at the end of the tunnel, etc.
    Then he revisited his whole life. Almost as though he was watching a movie, and he was the star. He was shown how his personal interactions with people affected their future lives.
    Next came a period of complete silence and total blackness, this seemed to last for weeks, although he had no way of measuring time. As this period progressed, he became more conscious of his increasing knowledge and awareness of all past and present, personal and earthly, events and mysteries. Like the truth about his father’s disappearance, the locations of a famous missing aviator’s plane, and The Lost Dutchman’s Mine to the actual truth of salvation and everything else he had ever wondered about.
    Then the blackness finally gave way to a glowing warm presence that surrounded him. He knew instantly that this presence was godly. His awareness and knowledge continued to grow and now it included all things in the afterlife.
    Stars slowly appeared, until the whole universe was visible to him. He saw all the new worlds where souls had migrated to for thousands of years — there were hundreds no thousands of them. It finally made sense why the universe was virtually limitless.
     There were souls traveling through space on their way to their new worlds. Looking like shooting stars on a clear summer’s night, each one specifically attracted to their best fit world.
    He added. You must understand about the soul. It is everything. Literally, the soul is your salvation, and it is not a yes or no proposition. True your next life can be heaven or hell, but it can also be everything in between. Life is a game of sorts, and the soul is your scorecard.
    During your life, your reactions in different situations directly affect your soul. Unselfish, constructive and positive acts that give you a good inner feeling were really your soul growing in strength and energy. Conversely, selfish, uncaring behavior weakened your soul and gave you an empty, unsatisfied feeling in the pit of your stomach, and if your soul continued to weaken, it would have less of an influence on your actions. Eventually, you would have little or no remorse for negative or evil acts, and when death would come, without a strong soul you would linger forever in the shadows of life.
     Only people whose souls have grown from virtuous actions would be rewarded, make the long journey to their new world, and metamorphose into a new and improved life form.
    Soon, he realized he would be traveling to his new world. Meeting deceased family and friends even his pets would be there. His next life could last five hundred years or more, and after that, who knows, the next great mystery.
    The leaders of the new worlds would come from the most decent of humans. They would form societies based on fairness, kindness, and a true democracy. The earthly mistakes of the past would not be repeated.
    Next, he realized that he was traveling through space — soon he would be reunited with his wife, family and friends. The prospect of living in an almost perfect world where evil, crime, wars, hunger and hate don’t exist excited him no end.
    Suddenly, he was jolted. Like a lightning bolt had struck him. Everything went blank. The next thing he knew he was in a recovery room hospital bed.

######

    Steve was impressed with the overwhelmingly sincere delivery by Reverend Finsterwald, and noticed no indication of mental problems or disorientation.
    The two struck up an almost immediately trust and friendship, and would talk for hours at a time about everything under the sun.
    Reverend Finsterwald insisted that Steve drop the title when he talked to him.
    “You got it Bob.” pause “I’m curious, why do you get so much enjoyment out of gardening. I mean pulling weeds and all, it just seems like work to me?”
    “True there is a lot of work, but there is a lot of satisfaction too. Take my sunflowers for example — from a little seed, a beautiful plant maybe six or seven feet tall will grow. You can enjoy it all summer, and then in the fall you still have the healthy seeds to eat.
    Tell me Steve what interests you outside of journalism?”
    “Well, although I’m not a current fan, I love reading all I can on baseball pre 1970. Back when it was a sport not a business.”
    “Me too, I particularly liked the 1930’s. I don’t have much interest in today’s sports either, although my late wife Betsy and I used to take in a local high school football game once in a while.
    We loved gardening the best. She would take care of the tomato plants and roses, and I always grew some sweet corn and of course my sunflowers.
    But mostly, the three of us just enjoyed each other’s company.”
    “The three of you?”
    “You bet. We had a black lab Boots for almost 17 years. I knew I was about to rejoin them when I was brought back.
    I know you’re a good person Steve. I can feel it. Don’t ever worry about death, you’ll be ok. Down the road, who knows we may meet again. I think you would fit very well into my world.”
    “Bob, one thing I’m curious about? When you were in the afterlife could you have communicated with the living if you wanted to?”
    “Sure, though it depends a lot on your circumstances. How you died, how close you were to the living, but it wouldn’t be a direct type of communication. It would be more of a sign of some kind, but still it would be unmistakable as to its origin.”
    “I’ve got to ask you,” said Steve. “Did you see God?
    “No I didn’t see him, but I knew he was there.”
    “How long will the afterlife go on?”
    “I don’t have all the answers, Steve. Like you found out in the interview, the afterlife is a continuing process of refinement. The next life isn’t the end. It will last longer and be so much better, because the worlds will be filled with good people, but eventually some form of death will come again and another life will begin. How long this process will go on I can’t say? Look at the universe, there is so much more to fill up.”
    “What influence does God have on the living?” asked Steve.
    “I don’t believe any. Were pretty much on our own — why would he throughout history let the corrupt few have so much and the many have nothing? Why would he grant a girl’s prom date prayer and let millions go hungry? No Steve, as far as the living are concerned, God just monitors our actions. His response is shown within our own souls.”

######

    Armed with this interview and the secrets of the new cryogenic storage process, Steve first thought about selling the story to some tabloid magazine. Eventually, however the reverend and his daughter convinced him that this story could serve a much greater purpose.
    If they could convince the world, that the life after death experience that the reverend had was what everyone else should expect. Then what? Would the combination of knowing the secret of salvation and the truth of the afterlife end all religious conflicts? Would the constant tension in the Middle East end? Could all the domestic behavioral issues based on man’s interpretation of religion be ended? Would there even be a need for formal religions anymore?

######

    After several meetings with the evangelist, Steve felt comfortable enough to confide in him. His personal secret, which only a few of his closest friends knew, needed to be told to someone he respected — someone who could give him advice, and end his personal torture.
    The evangelist convinced Steve that his salvation was determined by the goodness and strength of his soul. His sexuality, over which he had no control, did not doom his afterlife.
    Steve felt that a tremendous weight had been lifted off him. Finally, after all these years the feelings of guilt and shame left him. They were replaced with the single purpose of spreading the evangelist’s story to the world. The movement to convince mankind of the afterlife truth had begun.
    Both the reverend and Steve were sure that in order to get the attention of the United States let alone the world they would need another person to experience the freezing process, or better yet multiple subjects of varied faiths. If they all reported a story similar to Mr. Finsterwald wouldn’t we then have a strong if not irrefutable argument for the afterlife?
    But what a task lay in front of them. To get mankind, not just the people of the United States, to agree on conducting an experiment of such magnitude and far reaching consequences certainly seemed farfetched, but then again so did bringing a man back from the dead after six months.

######

    To get the ball rolling, Steve knew he must first sell the reverend’s story to the American public. His connection with the media made it easy to set up several talk show appearances. This effectively stirred up some interest, but without some way to substantiate the story it quickly went the way of crop circles and alien abductions. Interest faded, and Steve knew he needed the media to take him seriously.
    He was frustrated. He knew in his heart that the reverend’s story was true, and that there must be a way to prove it, but how?
     “Wait a minute, there was a way,” he thought. “Sure — why didn’t he think of it before?”
    In the interview, the reverend mentioned how life’s many mysteries had been revealed to him. He had mentioned several things. Maybe some of the mysteries could be verified? For instance, how about the location of his father’s remains who disappeared sixty-five years ago, or Victor Corrigan’s plane from his failed attempt to cross the Atlantic in 1926.
    The details of the evangelist’s experience were becoming quite sketchy, but he did clearly remember his father’s disappearance.
    When he was a young boy his dad left on a business trip and never returned. Although, his mother and him knew foul play was involved they could never convince the police. While in the afterlife, he learned exactly what his father’s fate was, and where his remains were located.
    Late one night in 1943 his father was returning home on route 37. He stopped to help what looked like a stranded motorist. After he got out of his car, he was jumped by two men, beaten, robbed and shot. They buried him in a shallow grave, took his car, and were never caught.
    The exact location of the grave was approximately one hundred feet north of the highway, and one and a half miles west of the highway 51 intersection.
    Even though it was a whopper of a story to sell, Steve went right to work putting a search team together. He had enough good friends in the media who thought highly of him, and after several weeks of recruiting, Steve rounded up twenty-one people. He hoped the reverend’s directions were accurate, because his search team could give him only the one weekend.

######

    They had a sunny forecast as the designated weekend arrived. The team armed with shovels and metal detectors gathered at the coordinates given by the reverend, and then slowly searched in an ever growing circular pattern.
    It had been so long ago, that any visible signs would have disappeared. The best hope was that a metal detector would pick up coins, a belt buckle, or maybe even the alleged bullet.
    Starting early Saturday morning, they searched with no luck until night fall. A very dejected group gathered around Steve for instructions.
    “I appreciate everyone’s effort today; please don’t get discouraged. I pray tomorrow will be different — this means so much. If he is here, we must find him.”
    Unfortunately, Sunday didn’t go any better. They knew they were running out of time and daylight, as the worn out team members gathered for dinner.
    A very impatient Reverend Finsterwald demanded that he be allowed to join the team in this last effort to find his father’s remains. Although, against the idea because of the hilly terrain and the reverend’s poor health, Steve realized he might be there only chance, and let him come along.
    “After all,” Steve reasoned, “who would have a better instinct?”
    The team had covered the location given, plus an error factor of ten percent with no luck, and was perplexed as to where to try next.
    The reverend was assisted by Steve and his daughter Mary to the original starting point. He looked around for about fifteen minutes and then almost trance like walked straight to a place near a small group of trees and pointed down.
    “Dig here,” he shouted.
    Steve ran over with his shovel. After digging down a foot or so, he found some bones and a partial skull.
    A cheer rang out from the search team. Tears flowed freely as Steve hugged the reverend and his daughter — they were confident that these were the remains of the reverend’s father. They had solved a 65 year old mystery with information that only the afterlife could have provided.

######

    The bones they found were more than enough for an accurate DNA test, but it was ten long days before the report came back.
    Positive of the results, but concerned there might have been an error in the testing, Steve nervously opened the envelope, and read the results to the reverend and Mary.
     “They are 99.9% sure that the remains are related to you, reverend.”
    Even though he was already sure, the conformation still overwhelmed him and tears again welled up in his eyes.
    They all embraced — realizing the importance of this news.
    “Now, we’ve got something to give the media,” Steve announced.
    “But how?” asked Mary.
    Steve rubbed his forehead, “I’m not sure. We need a lot more proof than this, but just the same I think a return visit to a talk show wouldn’t hurt.”

######

    Within the month they appeared on the two top rated talk shows. Steve not only mentioned the finding of the reverend’s father, but told of his plans to locate the remains of famed aviator Victor Corrigan.
    The new information was well received by the American public — ratings were off the chart for the two shows. The sensationalism of this story generated media frenzy, for two weeks the story aired almost continuously.
    Steve knew they were off to a good start, but needed to solve another mystery to really cement the support of the American people. Unfortunately, Reverend Finsterwald couldn’t remember the location of the famous missing aviator.
    “What was so very clear — is now just bits and pieces. I’m sorry Steve, but I just can’t, it’s too sketchy.”
    “Don’t worry reverend; I think I know a way.”
    Steve had done a few articles on hypnotism in the past. It was an amazing tool for bringing back forgotten events.
    After being put under, the reverend responded and gave precise directions to the location of Corrigan’s plane — 51.35 degrees latitude and 10.27 degrees longitude at a depth of 1257 feet — 90 miles off the southern coast of Ireland.
    This information was given to the media, and after being aired over all the major networks, the public immediately demanded action from their representatives in Washington. They wanted the United States to act on this information and send a search team to the site.

######

    As interest and support grew for the “Afterlife Movement”, a gathering opposition composed of conservative politicians and religious leaders both traditional and extreme.
    The basis of their opposition was the movement’s view on salvation versus the long standing accepted version of the major faiths. They preached to the public how it was sacrilegious to support the movement and that it was the work of the devil.
     The opposition used every tactic they could, to bring down the afterlife movement. Mainly, personal attacks on the reverend, and Steve Brown. Saying the reverend was not mentally stable after being frozen and using Steve’s now well publicized sexuality against him.
     The serious matter of life after death had become the top subject of late night comics, who never missed an opportunity to crack a joke about Steve or the reverend.
    However, after an attempt was made on the reverend’s life, Washington had seen enough — the situation had become an embarrassment. They decided to put an end to it. Although, privately hoping they would find nothing, they caved into the public demands and sent the navy submarine rescue team to check out the site.
    On board were all the concerned parties: Steve and the reverend, religious leaders and several prominent congressmen. The major news networks were also there ready to film, if the long lost plane was brought to the surface.
    When the navy arrived at the location, they checked the depth and found it to be almost exactly what the reverend had said. They then launched a manned submarine. Soon after reaching the bottom, it spotted a small single engine plane. Securing it with cables the main vessel brought it slowly up. Camera crews were in position as the plane came into view.
    Unmistakably, in big letters “The Red Lady” number 37 the famous plane of Victor Corrigan was back above the surface for the first time in 82 years.
     The news instantly circled the world. People were stunned. They didn’t know how to react. Did this mean that the religious teachings of the last two thousand years were in error about salvation and the hereafter?

######

    The opposition came up with a counter plan. With some clever twisting of the truth that would have made any defense attorney proud, they argued that this only proved Reverend Finsterwald was a prophet — a psychic who had a true gift for solving earth bound mysteries, but in no way did it confirm that his version of the afterlife was correct. In an instance, they had taken the proof of victory away from the “Afterlife Movement”.
    Instead of verifying the reverend’s experience, by solving two mysteries, he was now being looked upon as another Edgar Casey or Nostradamus — no doubt a gifted person, but not one who had returned from the afterlife.
    What could they possibly do now that would convince the world. Nothing short of finding a major religious article, like Noah’s Ark or the Ark of the Covenant, the chest that carried the Ten Commandments.
    So, one more time the reverend was put in a deep hypnotic trance, but when asked to reveal their locations, he couldn’t. He didn’t know where they were, or even if they existed at all. Had it been too long since the afterlife experience?
    They were so close to getting the world’s support for a multiple freezing experiment and the likely verification of the reverend’ story, but now they’re chances seemed all but lost.
    Steve was dejected, and worst of all he felt that he had let the reverend down. With all his years of investigative reporting, all his connections with the media, still he had failed to sell the story of the millennium.
    “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” said the reverend. “Maybe, the afterlife was always meant to be a mystery?”
    “We gave it a good try, didn’t we?”
    “Yes Steve, we may not have won over the world, but we have given a vision of hope to many who were lost.”
     Realizing they had nothing left to try, the two agreed to return home, and resume their lives. Although disappointed in the failure of the afterlife movement, they were both happy in what they had gained from the whole adventure.

######

    Steve stopped at a small motel outside of Harrisburg. He was just too worn out to drive any further. A good night’s sleep was definitely in order. Tomorrow would be a big day. Would he still have a job at the Appleton Gazette? His name and his sexual preferences were now common knowledge throughout the country. Why would a small town newspaper in the Midwest want a gay editor?
    He was ready for bed, but he was also starving. There was a little greasy spoon next to the motel. After ordering a burger and fries, he went to the restroom. When he returned, he noticed a couple men laughing in the booth across from him. He went to sit down, but saw a puddle of ketchup on the seat.
    “We don’t like faggots in our town,” said the bigger of the two men.
    Steve tried to ignore the comment, when the other one said, “Look, she’s turning red. We better stop — don’t want to make her cry.
    Steve knew confronting these two would go nowhere, and just walked out. He was half way back to the motel, when he was struck and knocked down from behind.
    Dazed, he heard one of the men say, “This is what we think of queers around here.”
    They alternately kicked Steve until mercifully he passed out. The next thing he knew a nurse was standing over him.
    “Mr. Brown, I’m afraid you’re in pretty bad shape. You have multiple broken bones and contusions. I think you’ll be with us for a while.
    The men who did it got away clean. The restaurant help couldn’t or wouldn’t identify the men. Steve decided not to pursue it. This incident just proved how desperately the world needed to know the truth about the afterlife.
     While recuperating the Reverend Finsterwald and Mary stopped in — it was good to see them both. A long talk perked Steve up, and gave him a positive outlook, that he would shortly need.
    The next morning’s phone call brought the bad news that Steve was expecting.
     “Steve,” said the Gazette’s acting editor. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there in person to tell you this, but we cannot hold the editor’s position for you any longer. I’m very sorry. We hope you will understand?”
    “I fully understand — I was hoping for a different response, but I’m fine with it, really.”
    Just before his release from the hospital, he got more bad news. Reverend Finsterwald had suffered a massive stroke just days after his visit and died almost immediately.
    Mary wrote a letter to Steve soon after the funeral.
    “Dear Steve,
    My father wanted me to convey all the respect and love that he felt for you. The adventure we all shared the last few months was so purposeful. How few will ever experience what we did. To have the knowledge before hand of the great beyond is the greatest gift one could have. Till all of our paths cross again.
    Love Mary”
    Steve was both sad for Mary and himself, and yet very happy knowing the reverend was in a true paradise — reunited with Betsy, old friends and Boots.

######

    Losing the editor’s position turned out to be a blessing, Steve was now free to write on whatever subjects he wanted, without having to please a board of directors. He retold his experiences with the reverend in his first book, titled “If I Should Die Before I Wake”, which turned out to be a best seller. He received letters and e-mails by the thousands from people whose lives had been changed after reading the book. The Afterlife Movement had not been a failure; it was an on-going success.
    Relaxing on his back porch, Steve reminisced. His life had come full circle. He was not ashamed of himself anymore, and he was not going to hell as his parents had made him believe. He was full of satisfaction and self esteem. His parents had been wrong, but for the first time he didn’t hate them for it. He knew that they were just telling him what had been drummed into their heads their whole lives. Tears came to his eyes, when he realized how much he loved them and missed them. He felt warm and uplifted; he knew that their souls were basically good and they would all be together again someday.
    Surveying the back yard — how green and lush everything looked. There was something else — something caught his eye in the distance. Was it — yes it was. The color was magnificent, a bright golden yellow. Sticking out from behind the old barn making an effort to find the sun’s rays was a very tall sunflower.

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