October 29th
Today, when I turned on the news this morning, the United States government put out a statement that a large asteroid was getting close to Earth’s orbit. They said this asteroid was almost the size of the moon and said it would be getting close to our orbit in about a month. I took the news, having heard the eminent threat of asteroids before, lightly and went to work. My family sent news that my father was getting ill and they wanted me to see him up in New Hampshire for thanksgiving. I wrote back to tell them I wasn’t sure if I could come out. I was lying to them. I loved my father but ever since I moved here, to New York City, he and I seemed to be at odds with each other. Does that make me a bad person if I don’t go?
October 30th 11pm
First thing I did when I got home tonight was pop a pot pie in the oven and have a beer. Work was awful today and while I was there all I wanted to do was go home. I didn’t get to the apartment until 9:45 because of a subway accident. Apparently, some crazy guy jumped in front of one of the trains, and made a mess on the tracks. It just made my day worse. When my pot pie was done I sat down in my recliner and turned on the Ten o’clock news. There was a special report that NASA was under special orders to build a device to change the course of the asteroid, in case it veered too close to Earth. I figured it wasn’t too much to worry about. I heard that it didn’t take much to change the course of an asteroid on the Discovery Channel once. I’m confident our government can do it if it needs to be done.
October 31st
Tonight was the Halloween party at work. I went dressed as a hobo. A lot of people seemed to like it, Andrea especially. I had a few beers and watched my co-workers make asses of themselves. Andrea was dressed as a sexy nurse and proceeded to give me eyes the whole night. It didn’t take much cavorting to get us both undressed in my office. I’ll just say it was a fun night.
November 3rd
I woke up late for work this morning and had to call in sick. The damn alarm clock was broken for sure, it was the third time in a month it didn’t go off. I wrote a note to myself to get a new one and put it on the fridge. Without having to go to work, I walked around and did some errands. Since I missed the news this morning I bought a newspaper. The headline read “NASA to deflect cataclysmic Asteroid.” I read a little more into the article to see what it really meant. I guess NASA was supposed to send some device to blow the asteroid up or at least push it away from its course. It sounded too much like a movie to me. I went about the rest of my day picking up groceries and some other items.
November 4th
I got a phone call from my sister, Anna. She told me Dad’s not doing very well and he keeps asking if I’m going to come and visit. I told Anna I still wasn’t sure, and she proceeded to chew my ear off. She told me I was being fickle and a terrible son to not come and see him. I hung up after she yelled at me. I don’t think she really knows how Dad rubbed me the wrong way. I still feel guilty though.
November 7th
I woke up this morning to my buddy, Mike, calling me on my cell. It was Saturday, my day to sleep in, and I was really pissed he woke me up. He told me to turn on the news. I walked out to the living room to turn on the T.V. I asked “What I was looking for?” At first, I only saw a bunch of photos of some blobby thing in space. Then I read the ticker at the bottom. “NASA fails to deflect asteroid.” Mike then started to freak out. I told him to calm down and hung up the phone. I took my shower and ate some breakfast. At 8 o’clock tonight, the President made an address. He said that there were still some options and told everyone to stay calm. I voted for him two years ago and I trusted his word, so I’m going to stay calm. Not sure, if I’m going to be able to sleep tonight though.
November 9th
When I walked to work this morning, a man wearing a nice suit approached me with a Bible and asked if I was saved. I told him we’ll see if we can blow up that asteroid. The man didn’t think it was funny and started to tell me to repent. I just kept walking.
At work, a few of my co-workers asked me what I thought about the President’s initiative to blow up the asteroid. I said we’ll have to see. They seemed to chuckle at the answer but all of them had some worry on their faces. I can see how the idea of death looming overhead can make a person nervous. I heard this afternoon, that Andrea quit her job here at the office and took a flight to her grandparents in Minnesota. I thought it was too early for that, and the fact that I was starting to really like her, made it more difficult.
November 10th
The world was shocked this morning to hear that, the nuclear missiles aimed for the asteroid did not change its course. The President made another address. He told everyone to remain calm once again and said that out future lies in God’s hands now. He even asked all of us to pray. I can’t believe he asked us to pray! Like God had nothing to do with this asteroid. Praying wasn’t going to do a DAMN THING! Anna called me after the address, crying. She begged me to see Dad. I told her I couldn’t right now and hung up. That is when things started to hit me. We are all going to die.
November 11th
I went to work this morning like I usually did but with the sense that it was pointless. When I got to the office, only about half of us were there. Everyone else either split town or found better things to do. But my boss told everyone that this was not the time for work, he said it was time to be with our families. He then told us we didn’t have to work and told us to leave and be safe. No one was going to be safe, no one. No matter where you were to go. You were going to die. I almost saw it pointless to go to New Hampshire, if I was going to die anyway. I came home and poured myself some scotch that was aging in my liquor cabinet. There was no use in saving it for later.
November 13th
When I went to the grocery store, I asked Bernie, who owned the place, why he was still doing business? He told me it’s because he may be one of the lucky ones to survive. After saying that, he gave out an enormous laugh and smiled. I wish I shared his optimism but I knew that this was it. The waiting was the hard part. I had already heard, from new stations that were still running that a lot of people began to commit suicide. I’m not sure if I could do that but I wasn’t going to stop someone if they wanted to. I felt they had a right to, especially now that death was eminent. It could be an honorable decision to make.
When I got back from the grocery store, I found my place had been robbed. They mainly stole the electronics, T.V., stereo, other random shit. I was just happy they left my scotch and beer. It’s still humorous to think that even when all the material wealth in the world meant nothing, people still steal it from you. What the hell are they going to do with it? Sell it for drugs? Buy some more shit? Today was probably the first day I realized that all this shit that I worked to accumulate, wasn’t going to last. Of course I figured I’d be alive until I was a hundred. That kind of thinking would be delusional now any way. I’m going to bed.
November 14th
I decided to walk to Central Park today. I hadn’t been there since I graduated college. I had to put on a jacket though, because it was frigid outside. I walked past the grocery store and noticed police tape over the door. I asked the News stand owner if he knew what happened. He told me somebody went and offed Bernie trying to steal food. I was shocked. I had just talked to him yesterday and he was fucking happy. Some fucking asshole kills one of the nicest people left on this planet. Someone who legitimately thought we were going to be okay. Even if he was wrong it’s still nice to hear someone who’s optimistic. And some piece of shit killed that. Bernie, man...what the hell is wrong with people? Hell it was probably one of your regulars. Needless to say I felt like shit walking to the park. When I got there, there were a lot of people looking up at the sky, which happened to be clear blue. With the exception of a small brown dot. It reminded of me when I saw Hale Bop but this was just a dull brown and not a shiny celestial light, like Hale Bop was. But this meant that it was all getting closer to the hour when we’d all be dead.
When I got home from the park, I took the handgun out of the lock box. There was no way in hell that some fucking bastard was going to kill me. It’s not for them to decide.
November 15th
I went out for a walk this morning. I made sure to bring the gun with me. The streets were pretty empty. I walked past a church and there were so many people there that a crowd was at the front doors. I looked at all of them as they listened intently to the sermon. Every one stared at me as I walked past. I knew they were all judging me probably thinking how lucky they were to be saved and how I was going to Hell. What bullshit! Like human beings know anything about God. Look what he’s doing, he’s killing us all. If my life is supposed to be special and unique, and God is really supposed to care, then why is he killing me?! How can God just make a life and throw it away?! How can anyone condemn another?! How could He create a world that was so fucked up like this?! And why is he destroying it?! I just don’t get it. God must be sadistic. If we are his creations he must get pleasure from watching us suffer, or else he would do something. What kind of bullshit is this anyway?! I never thought I lived in a nightmare but what if this is it? What if there is nothing? Did I so squabble over things that were utterly pointless and now that I’m going to die, I may not get another chance? God must really hate all of us then. And if he hates me, then perhaps I should just tell him to FUCK OFF! Not like it would make me feel better. Or change a goddamn thing.
I think it’s time for a glass of scotch.
November 17th
I thought today was going to be better. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I was trying to do things around the apartment today to keep my mind busy when I heard yelling from people outside. I then heard loud screaming. It was high pitched screaming that no adult could make. The screaming stopped for a while and then I saw a flash of something fly past my window. I walked over and looked out. I took my head out of the window. A crowd had gathered about something on the ground. I looked at it as they began to back away. It was Mr. Davidson from the ninth floor. His was on the pavement with his guts splattered about him. But underneath him were tiny versions of himself. He threw his kids out of the window. That’s what the screaming was. When I saw the mess, I started to puke. I ran to the bathroom and puked some more in the toilet. Then I sat on the floor and cried.
I bawled, the thought of this man killing his own children and seeing the aftermath. I lost it. I cried the entire afternoon. Everything piled up and I couldn’t stop. I hadn’t cried like that since I was four and my dog, Misty, was hit by a pick-up outside our house. I walked over to her body and she was flattened and looked like those bodies on the pavement. Something today put a bad taste in my mouth and I didn’t want to look out the window anymore or ever again. I have about half my scotch left. I think I’m gonna finish it and try to forget about what I saw.
November 21st
I haven’t written in a few days. After Tuesday, I hit the bottle hard. So hard, the past few days have been a blur. I woke up on the floor this morning, wearing nothing but a bathrobe and socks. I reeked of alcohol. I must have been really angry because the place was trashed. Half of the contents of my fridge were on the walls and still there. I guess I wanted to make a mess. I wasn’t too worried about it until I saw a noose hanging from my ceiling fan. It was made from an electrical cord. I guess I tried to kill myself but I think I pass out before I could do it. I took it down. I’m pretty sure I’m done drinking for a while.
November 22nd
Everyone seems to be leaving now. There was a mass migration of people walking down the street all day. They carried suitcases with them. Why? It’s pointless to leave. Unless you can leave Earth, you are going to die. I guess Anna heard from some people that everyone was leaving. She called me again and pleaded with me to leave. I asked her why? She told me to see Dad. I told her we’re all going to die anyway, how is seeing a dying father going to help me? She hung up first this time. I think she’s finally given up on that idea. Maybe I am being fickle though? I can hardly remember how Dad and I got like this. I just know that when I promised to come home after college and help with the store, and I didn’t, staying here in New York, he was pissed. He actually told me not to come back and so I haven’t. I guess he does want to see me, but do I want to see more people dead or dying?
November 24th
Now that everyone’s gone from my building and most of the city, I started to make a habit of sitting on the roof of my building staring at the asteroid. It looks pretty big now, and having clear skies recently, it stands out. I can just stare at it for hours. Usually I’m parked in a lawn chair with a radio I stole. I listen to the only AM station that’s still running. They have something called a Doomsday countdown, and they play music almost non-stop. It’s ironic how that works. Sometimes I walk the streets. I still pack my gun but most of the time I’m the only one out there. There are a lot of places trashed and vandalized. It almost has a strange beauty to it. It’s still really cold outside though. It’s probably a matter of time before they turn my electricity off and it starts to freeze in my apartment. I’m starting to get to the point where I don’t care. It is rather lonely though here by myself. I guess if it gets really bad I could leave and see my family but I can manage right now.
November 25th: Thanksgiving.
It’s Thanksgiving. Wouldn’t be the first one I’ve been alone for but it’s definitely the worst. I’m starting to regret the fact that I didn’t leave but knowing how transportation is going to be nonexistent now, I’m pretty sure I can’t make it to New Hampshire before the end comes. Regret. What a word? How can I not regret anything now? I’ve had all this time to think and all it does is make me sad, even depressed. But I still have the curiosity to keep living; I almost want to see this through to the end. I never thought I would feel like this but I do. I guess staring at the asteroid I almost feel like it’s my opponent. I want to see who will flinch first. Because as soon as it hits the Earth it is going to die too, some how if it could think and feel I bet it and I would share the same thoughts and feelings.
November 26th
Today I had a companion up on the roof. Her name is Danielle I guess she lives a floor under me. I vaguely remember seeing her once before, she was making out with a guy in the lobby. It’s nice to have her to talk to though. She told me she didn’t want to leave the city and thought the whole way I did. She’s kind of young but I shouldn’t really care. She’s a living, breathing, human being, that’s all I can ask for. A song came on the radio and she started dancing. She had to drag me from my seat but I started dancing with her. I can legitimately say she took my mind off death for a while, I think I needed that. We told each other we should go up there every day, not knowing when we both will die. She seemed happy with the idea. I honestly am beginning to look forward to tomorrow. First time I’ve been able to say that in a long time.
November 27th
It was the second day I got to hang out with Danielle. It was a lot different today, though. She seemed really depressed when she came to the roof. She started to cry, too. I guess she was breaking down like I did ten days ago. The pressure finally got to her. I went to comfort her for a while. She cried into my chest so much that my light gray sweatshirt was a dark gray. I felt bad for her but I was just glad to hold her close. Just to smell her and touch her. Her skin was so soft. It felt like if I put too much pressure on it she would pop. While she had her head buried in my chest, I couldn’t help but stare at the asteroid. It’s bigger than the moon now. I thought there should have been a skull painted on it, because that is what it represented, death. After Danielle stopped crying she just kept hugging me. I think it’s ironic, if I had met this woman under different circumstances nothing would have happened; none of this emotion and bonding. We probably would have ignored each other completely. She told me that she didn’t want to die alone. I looked down at her and I told her I didn’t want to either. We just stared at each other. It probably would have been a good time to kiss her, but I didn’t want to. It would have ruined it. We spent the rest of the day on the roof, both of us squeezed into one chair, holding each other and watching the asteroid.
November 28th
I thought today was gonna be it. It wasn’t. I woke up with a strange feeling this morning that I was ready. Ready to say goodbye and put my cards on the table. I still agreed to meet Danielle on the roof but both her and I looked up at the sky. It was cloudy. There was no way to know how close the asteroid was. We both agreed we didn’t want to see it head on anyway. We went down to my apartment and lay in my bed most of the day. I thought how great it would be to die, simultaneously to the person holding you. It seemed poetic. But poetry doesn’t always reflect life and it didn’t this time. Its 12:30 A.M. and still nothing. I guess it might happen tomorrow. In fact I’m sure it will. So I better wrap this up then.
It’s so strange; I didn’t even remember when I started writing this journal. It was way before this whole doomsday thing. You would think that I would have stopped doing it, but it compelled me. Some how this book and reading over these latest entries, I think I finally got my perspective straight. I may not believe in God but I still fear him. But mostly it’s a fear that I’ve been wrong, at least it was; now the fear is gone. I’ve owned up to my inevitable death but it may be death for me but life for something else. When we are all vaporized our molecules our atoms could be floating around space for eons. Then when something new begins to form, perhaps my atoms will be part of something new. A new life. This thought for some reason makes it alright. Danielle’s on the bed staring at me. She looks so beautiful. Her eyes just seem to be pleading with me. So with all this, I bid this world goodbye. I’m going to lie in bed next to a beautiful woman and wait. Hopefully it will all come while we’re sleeping. That way our dreams may continue forever. That is what I want to do, just dream.
