writing from
Scars Publications

Audio/Video chapbooks cc&d magazine Down in the Dirt magazine books

 

This writing was accepted for publication
in the 84 page perfect-bound issue of
cc&d (v220) (the May 2011 Issue)



You can also order this 5.5" x 8.5"
issue as an ISSN# paperback book:
order issue


cc&d magazine cover Unknown This is also in this 6" x 9"
ISBN# paperback
“Unknown”
Order this 6" x 9"
ISBN# book:
order ISBN# book


Order this writing
in the book
Prominent
Pen

cc&d edition
Prominent Pen (cc&d edition) issuecollection book get the 332 page
May-August 2011
cc&d magazine
issue collection
6" x 9" ISBN#
paperback book:

order ISBN# book

Open Forum at the Bughouse Sq.

Wes Heine

    The Speaker steps up to the soapbox and taps the microphone. A wail of rusty feedback rings out through the park lacerating the air with a sharp frequency of pain. The spectators cover their ears as blood pours out between their fingers.
    The Speaker clears his throat, and straightens his polka-dotted bow-tie, as if that would make everything better. Lucky for him everyone is determined to have a good time. The sun is shining, the crickets are leaping, and the spectators have marvelous picnic spreads that checker the lawn before the soapbox.
    On one side of the makeshift podium are rows upon rows of flimsy folding chairs. A gritty gang of boys have positioned themselves in the far back row, even-though all the other rows are empty.
    The Speaker fumbles with his note-cards before he begins:
    “The subject this afternoon is the Meaning of Life. To quote the inner emptiness of all curious beings, What is the meaning of life and of the universe?”
    He pauses and sips some water.
    “Well, this question is UN-answerable because the question itself is not clear. What do these words mean? First, what is this word Life? What characteristics must something have in order to be called life? Is basic matter really “living,” like a conscious spirit as atoms vibrate. Or is matter, including the DNA molecule, just a complex chemical pattern playing itself out as a machine? And what’s the essential difference?”
    “Second, I’d like to know exactly what this other word is... This word Universe. Breaking down the syllables we find that “Uni” means one, or to unite. And “Verse” is another word for a word.”
    “So basically this means that the Universe is a word that unites all words making a new word: an all-purpose word. We could conceivably scrap all other words, and have whole sentences of nothing but the word Universe, and just intone it differently to discern different levels of meaning.”
    “So the definition of Universe is everything added together, every word, every separate object, even life, and all of infinite space and time... Can you define something that is infinite?”
    The spectator’s ears begin to bleed again.
    “If we answered the question, What is the meaning of life and of the universe, then we will finally define the words Life and Universe. But if the words Life and Universe are in fact already defined, then there would be no need for the question in the first place... the question would be answered... by itself.”
    “The meaning of life is whatever the definition of the word Life is in the dictionaries of the future. The dictionary word just be the one word, Life... In short, The meaning of life is life!”
    “What I’m saying is that the question of meaning is totally contradictory, it eats itself, it implodes in on itself just like the black-hole in the center of the soul that made up the question in the first place! ... Or is it the black-hole in the center of the galaxy that burped us out?”
    Many of the spectator’s heads spontaneously explode sending chunks of brain and skull into unsuspecting picnic baskets.
    “The ‘meaning of life and the universe’ question is so absurd that it is obvious that the askers of the question, the philosophers, don’t have much meaning in their own lives because they question life like a child might question its parents, its creators. Many philosophers go through their lives questioning everything, questioning the simple and wholesome answers, questioning each other, and even questioning their own questions!”
    The Speaker pauses to quietly chuckle to himself.
    “A psychoanalyst might conclude that philosophers, these individuals who question everything, are afraid to commit to any single idea. In fact a philosopher might even be diagnosed with a common “Commitment Complex,” brought on by a chemical imbalance or a traumatic experience which turned the individual off commitment. This is likely because most philosophers are deeply depressed people, or when cheerful it is only because they have been drinking heavily in a vain attempt to live life to the fullest when they haven’t even defined what life even is.”
    “A plain scientific observation of cause and effect shows us that it is obvious that the meaning of life is to make more life. We are entirely designed to upkeep our bodies and reproduce to make more bodies. Indeed, most people find meaning in life by eating, coupling, and producing offspring. This doesn’t seem to satisfy the philosopher. Perhaps philosophers are too geeky to have decent sex. They rather sit and mope, or drink and think.”
    A voice from the audience bellows, “I’ll drink to that, whatever it is!” It’s one of the boys in the back row as he tips some whiskey out of his coat pocket.
    The speaker begins again. “The famous philosophical phrase conceived by Rene’ Descartes: ‘I think therefore I am,’ should be changed to something that actually brings meaning to people’s lives rather than thinking. No happy person likes to think! The phrase should be, ‘Someone humped therefore I live,’ or ‘I live therefore I hump,’ or the bumper sticker version: ‘I live to hump.’”
    “Something a little less naughty to put the question of the meaning of life to rest would be: ‘I live therefore I live,’ or ‘I am because I can,’ or ‘I live therefore I die,’ or ‘Something died so I could eat it and live,’ or ‘I’m dying to live,’ ‘I’m living to die,’ or ‘I am therefore I am,’ or ‘I I’m,’ ‘I am I,’ or ‘I I captain,’ or ‘I was just because! because! because! All the wonderful things wez does!’ or ‘Talk to the hand girlfriend, I just am,’ or ‘I am Amen Ohm,’ or ‘I’m Sam I am, I’m Sam I am, I will not eat your green eggs you ham,’ or ‘Hey, drop it drama queen!’”
    The boys in the back row begin to heckle the Speaker. Through the whole speech they’ve been sneaking swigs of cheap whiskey from pocket flasks. They have grown tired of the Speakers’ longwinded antidotes. This was an open forum for Christ’s sake!
    “Shut up pimple dick!”
    “Shove it up your ass poindexter!”
    “Your mother was a giant bail of pussy!”
    “Turn the mic over jackass!”
    The boys in the back row continue to snicker, hog call, and spat perverted codes as the Speaker tries to recover his composure. But it’s too late. The boys in the back have claimed a hole in the ether of attention... The spectators have turned to watch them.
    They’re now standing on their chairs doing one more toast to death from their flasks as they shout their slogans:
    “Pro-abortion!”
    “Pro-suicide!”
    “Pro-guns!”
    “Pro-fat!”
    “Pro-euthanasia!”
    “Pro-drugs!”
    “Pro-alcohol!”
    “Pro-zac!”
    “Pro-sugar!”
    “Pro-war!”
    “Pro-con!”
    The boys in the back row keep shouting their UN-popular-population-control views as the spectators sit numb with shock.
    Suddenly the Speaker rushes upon them with a garbage bag full of breadcrumbs and begins hurling the squishy bread onto the boys. Thousands of pigeons suddenly swarms up covering the boys until not one patch of skin or clothing can be seen. They evaporate in a vicious cloud of blood and feathers.
    The Speaker struts back to his soapbox feeling triumphant. The spectators clap politely at the expulsion of the young people. The Speaker resumes his lecture.
    “To properly understand the philosopher’s lust for meaning, the addiction to meaning, we must first understand what meaning is, and what the meaning of meaning means to them, if you know what I mean.”
    “The American Century Dictionary defines Mean / (meant, meaning) as: 1) have as one’s purpose or intention. 2) design or destine for a purpose 3) to have significance 4) vicious or aggressive 5) a math term midway between two extremes and the quotient of the sum of several qualities and their number; average.”
    “So with these definitions in mind... It is my thesis that philosophers have no idea what their purpose or intention is, nor their design and purpose, which is ladies and gentlemen, to simply reproduce. And philosophers tend to be vicious and aggressive, that is if they have not been drinking enough, or if they’ve have been drinking too much.”
    “My most important point has to do with the fifth definition of mean. The mathematical definition... Because philosophers follow the strict ethic of always questioning things, they are forced to exist midway between extremes and the sum of several qualities of contradicting ideas. The simple fact that they consider many points of view leaves them to exist in a very neutral state of mind, a cool and average disposition... a mean. Without this delicate balance a philosopher would run the risk of going insane with happiness. So these points explain the affinity that philosophers have with meaning... Otherwise they might become the fourth definition of mean, and become condescending or just plain mean.”
    Most of the spectators have fallen asleep on their picnic spreads. Some are even being carried away by ants to vast underground tombs to be turned into gooey birthing pads for larva.
    “But all of what I have been speaking of is just theory, lots of hypothetical and abstract conjecture! Much like philosophy itself... Its time to be absolutely scientific!”
    The Speaker skips over to a bush behind the soapbox, and rolls out a man tied to a wheelchair. The man has a long full-beard and a dazed grin on his face.
    “This man is a self admitted philosopher! I have diagnosed him as being in the late stages of philosophical thought, including the Commitment Complex, and the neutral mindset. You be the judge!”
    The Speaker pulls a second microphone up to the restrained philosopher. He paces around thoughtfully like some kind of sadistic cross-examiner, then suddenly shoots a question at the philosopher as if to catch him off guard. “What is your opinion of foreign policy?!!”
    “Opinions are foreign to me, that’s my policy,” responds the philosopher.
    “Whhhhhy?” asks the Speaker with his most prying voice.
    “I do not wish to taint myself with opinion. I search for facts. And since we don’t even know the basic facts of all existence, the meaning of life, then I am left with no real foundation and therefore no facts to tell you sir. For all I know, none of this is real at all!”
    The philosopher’s hand twitches under the restraints. It is his reflex to stroke his beard while he talks, but he cannot.
    The Speaker addresses the spectators. “You see folks, he has thought things out so carefully, so skeptically, that he doesn’t even know what he thinks... Now on to experiment number two!”
    The Speaker lifts the soapbox and pulls out a large glass of dark frothy beer. He holds it in front of the philosopher.
    “Notice his response to the stimuli!”
    The philosopher begins to drool and make a loud moaning sound. Saliva hangs from the corner of his mouth and rolls down his shirt like a slow motion avalanche.
    The spectators oooh and ahhh as the Speaker grins proudly.
    “So in conclusion... We may never know what life truly is, or what the infinite universe truly is as a whole. When I say these nonsensical words life and universe everyone has a different set of images flash inside their minds. Each person has their own unique definition of life and the universe, and thus has their own meaning to their own specific lives. This may allow people to act differently and be lead by what theologians refer to as destinies. The meaning of life is a very personal and intuitive thing. It is almost impossible to explain to another human being what that meaning is. But we can be sure of this... Philosophers like to drink! And if we don’t let them drink... Well then, God help us all!”
    Then a voice booms from all sides of the lawn, “You can’t say the word God in public! It’s offensive!”
    The thunderous sound of engines firing-up surrounds the crowd. The police have been waiting in the wings, obscured in the trees around the open lawn in the park. A line of bulldozers begins to plow inward trapping the Speaker and the spectators alike in a circle.
    The Chief of Police is on top of the lead dozer with a megaphone, “Separation of Church and State for Christ’s sake!!! This is a city park!!! You’re going down you fucking cult-leader!!!”
    The dozers pile up the bodies of the spectators. Arms, legs, and torsos roll over each other in crackling waves.
    “You people are loitering!” scoffs the Chief angrily.
    The Speaker, still clutching his microphone, cowers in the center as the mountain of bodies grows near. “We have the constitutional right to assemble!”
    “Not without a permit!” retorts the police chief.
    The Speaker straightens himself, gives the chief a sober look, and then taps his microphone again. A harpy wail of feedback echoes through the park ripping space and time a new asshole... a portal... feeding the serpent its tail... The history-reels in a loop and accelerates with each revolution: Whom, Whom, Whomp... It hits the note, the absolute anti-chord... and the columns of space and time collapse.
    A black tear in reality forms and higher dimensions spread their legs. Everything is sucked into the black-hole... the Speaker, the bodies, the dozers, the entire world dominos forward, falling into the growing rip in space/time. Our dimension evaporates like a puddle of rainbow colored oil.
    In a flash it’s gone like the moment never even winked.



Scars Publications


Copyright of written pieces remain with the author, who has allowed it to be shown through Scars Publications and Design.Web site © Scars Publications and Design. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission from the author.




Problems with this page? Then deal with it...