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Dead Reckoning

Ronald Brunsky

    Looking at the obituaries was the first thing Luke did every morning. One in particular, grabbed his attention.
    “Kenneth Byrd ... hmm, I wonder ... any relation to Lois.”
    He read further. “Gee, it’s her husband. I haven’t seen her since I left Tompkins Inc — what memories. Guess I should probably go pay my respects.”
    It was dusk, when Luke arrived at the Boswell and Sons Funeral Home.
    He signed in and went straight over to Lois.
    He hugged her, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
    “It’s nice of you to come.”
    He was so young — had he been sick?”
    “No, it was an automobile accident.”
    “You must feel terrible?”
    “I have mixed emotions; we were getting divorced. He’d been cheating on me.”
    People were waiting to see Lois. “Please excuse me Luke.”
    Luke looked into the casket and was amazed how well her husband looked. He had always hated that remark. “How stupid, their dead.”
    Luke decided to wait for awhile. Some former co-workers might show up. Finding a chair in the back, he watched the people file past the coffin paying their last respects. Some would kneel and give the sign of the cross, while others would just stop momentarily and bow their heads.
    The way the living coped with death had always fascinated Luke. Why people would come to a wake, though seldom visiting the deceased in life. People who on the surface were “God Fearing”, church going souls with a ticket in hand to heaven, but whose private thoughts on the afterlife were filled with anxiety. The long sleep would always be man’s greatest enigma.
    Luke’s mind continued to churn over the mysteries of death, when suddenly something caught his eye.
    “What was that?” he thought.
    There it was again — was he imagining? No, he wasn’t; the coffin was rocking. Then a hand appeared from inside the casket and grabbed the side of the vessel. The corpse was pulling itself into a sitting position.
    Luke started to point, but noticed that nobody else was paying any attention. The line of people continued to flow past the coffin, consoling the widow, totally oblivious to the events Luke was observing. What was going on? No one else saw the deceased then gingerly climb out of the sarcophagus. Luke was in shock. Was he dreaming? He nudged a man and pointed, but he only looked back, queerly.
    The recently deceased husband of Lois Byrd stood their looking around the room, obviously trying to locate someone. When his gaze fixed on Luke, he smiled and began to slowly walk in his direction. Luke could do nothing but stand there, as the late Mr. Byrd approached him.
    “Hi Luke, I don’t think we’ve ever met. I’m Lois’s husband, Ken.”
    Luke had no response.
    Mr. Byrd continued. “You know, there’s one good thing about being in this condition. All the secrets of the past and future are unveiled to you. For instance, you see that elderly man in the gray suit standing next to Lois.”
    A dazed Luke just nodded.
    “Well, next Wednesday about four am he’ll have a massive coronary. That’s right in a couple days, he’s worm food. And that attractive woman over there by the roses, she will meet her end six months from now ... cancer. She doesn’t even know it yet.”
     Luke looked around, but still, no one was paying the slightest bit of attention to his pulse less conversation mate.
    “How come nobody else sees you?”
    “Because you’re the one I came back to see. Though, it would be nice if everyone could, then I could give my own eulogy, ha, ha.
     You see Luke, everyone who dies has the opportunity to come back if they are willing to give up enough.”
    “You’re dead, what have you got to give up?”
    “You’d be surprised. The quality of your existence in the afterlife is always negotiable.”
    “You actually mean the dead can return?”
    “Yes, frequently, but they don’t stay long. Just long enough to accomplish their mission.”
    “And what would that be?”
    “Maybe to settle an old score?”
    “With me?
    Ken smiled.
    “What did I ever do to you?”
    “I told you; the deceased know all the secrets of the past. Like what was going on between Lois and you.”
    “What do you mean?”
    “Oh, come on Luke, you were boffing my wife.”
    “That’s not true.”
    “Why don’t you just admit it? Do you want me to name the dates and places? Three years ago — October 9th at the Metrose Inn,... ahhh then October 19th at the ... ”
    “Alright ... so we had a little fling — besides, Lois just told me that you had been fooling around too.”
    “No, actually I wasn’t. But now, I sure wish I had.”
    “You can’t do anything to me — you’re dead.”
    “You are correct sir! But you forget ... I know the future as well as the past.”
    “My future?” Luke replied.
    “Every last detail.”
    “What’s so bad about knowing your future? It will make my retirement plans easier.”
    “That’s true.”
    “So Ken, you’re going to tell me that some disease will kill me in about forty years ... right?”
    “Not quite.”
    Luke was getting agitated, “What is it then?”
    “So soon? I was just starting to enjoy the banter.”
    “You know this is all nonsense. This must be some kind of whacky dream. You’re not real.”
    “Now, I know I’ve got your attention, are you ready to hear about your future? You know it’s not all bad.”
    “OK, I’ll listen. I guess you’re not going away until you’ve finished.”
    “So true — well here it goes. In a couple of weeks you and my grieving widow will start dating again. You’ll get serious and eventually plan a wedding. Not bad, so far ... huh? And just when you think life couldn’t get any better, a wondrous event happens. You’re going to be on cloud nine. No more financial worries for you.”
    “Ken, you can stop right there.”
    “Oh, but Luke, were just getting to the best part. You wouldn’t deny your closest cadaver a little enjoyment, would you?”
    “OK, OK, FINISH WHAT YOU’VE GOT TO SAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!”
    “Jeez Luke, Why so testy, I thought we were becoming buddies. Where were we now ... oh yeah, you were happy. Well, that’s going to change ... big time.
    It seems one night, not long after your fortuitous day, you are paid a visit by a rather large fellow. It seems, I’m not the only husband whose wife you’ve been banging.
    He’s a little sadistic too. Bad trait, don’t you think. Anyway, he catches you off guard, overpowers you, ties you up and ... I’m sorry, bear with me ... here’s where it starts to get a tad gruesome.
    See, he has this rather large knife — one of those hunting types. You know, I loved to sing that ad... ‘Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie’ — always liked that jingle.
    As the event became more and more realistic, fear like he had never known started pulsing through Luke’s veins.
    Kenneth continued, “You know Luke sometimes a guy is just too good looking for his own good. You can make some people awful jealous, especially if you’ve been porking their old lady ... you know what I mean?
    Where was I ... oh yeah, he takes that knife and makes a few cuts, here and there. To sort of even the playing field — so you’re not quite so pretty anymore.
    He starts to leave, but then he stops and pulls this old wrinkled note — a love note, you once gave his wife, out of his pocket. Tears run down his cheeks, as he reads it, and darned if he doesn’t turn around. You see, he couldn’t help but picture the two of you doing the dirty deed, and that’s when he got really mad. Did I mention he was a bit sadistic? Yeah, I’m sure I did.
    He takes that knife and removes ... nicer word that cuts don’t you think?”
    “This is sick,” says Luke as he pinched and slapped himself in an effort to wake from this nightmare.
    He pushed his open hand against Ken’s chest. He felt the muscle less, soft flesh that offered no resistance. As Ken rocked back and forth, Luke heard the sickening sound of embalming fluid sloshing around ...
    “Hey careful,” said Ken, “this body’s got to last a little while yet.”
    Luke, pulled his hand back. “You can’t really exist?”
    “Oh, but I do. You can bet your life on it — to sort of speak.”
    Ken then fixed his gaze firmly on Luke. His eyes were pitch black and his face was locked in a sneering smile. “Now as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted ... he takes that knife and ... let’s just say he eliminates a certain part of your anatomy.”
    “What part?”
    “Come on Luke, you know ... captain winkie ... your trouser snake, Johnson ... ... what’s another name, oh yeah ...” as he got right in Luke’s face, “YOUR COCK!!”
    The words propelled by spittle and the most putrid breath Luke had ever smelled.
    “And then,” Ken continued, “he stuffs it down your throat. Wow! I guess he was making a point.”
    Luke was beyond pale. He looked more like the corpse than Ken did. He shook uncontrollably and started to scream.
     “This isn’t happening. It’s just a dream, it must be a dream.”
     “Luke don’t go to pieces on me. Story’s almost done. If you don’t let me finish, we’ll be here all night.
     Now, you were probably concerned that you would be left there to bleed to death. The good news is you won’t have to worry about that.”
    “And the bad news?”
    “Getting back to that love note,” Ken goes on. “You see, when you wrote that you’d gladly give her your heart ... well.”
    “What kind of insanity is this?” Luke said.
    Ken moved closer, his cold, dark eyes widening, and his smile replaced with a contemptuous scowl, and said, “What kind? I’ll tell you what kind — the kind that is meant especially for you.”
     Ken started walking back to the coffin. He turned and said. “Good bye Luke, our little chat was most refreshing — be seeing you.”

######

     “Wake up, wake up,” Lois was shaking him. “You must of dozed off. Boy, talk about being disrespectful.”
    Rubbing his eyes and stretching, Luke finally convinced himself that he had been asleep. Relieved that it had all been a dream, he got up and apologized.
    “Can you forgive me? I’m so embarrassed.”
    “Only if you give me a call soon, and take me out to dinner.”
    “You’re on.”
    Dinner dates became more frequent, and although something told Luke he should stay away from her, he couldn’t help himself.
    Within a couple of months Luke had moved in with Lois, and they were setting a date. He had almost forgotten about the experience in the funeral home and was completely in love.
    One night after eating out, they came home to a message on their machine.
    “Luke, Nathan from work. I’ve got some good news — are you sitting down. Our lottery pool hit the big one. Party time over at the Pub, see you there.”
    Lois was jumping up and down. “Wow! Your getting married to a beautiful woman — if I do say so myself, and you’ve just hit the lottery, I guess your dream has finally come true.”
    Luke was trembling, as he muttered, “Not quite.”

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