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Angel

Aria Clark

    She didn’t want to go inside, but she had to. She got out of her car and walked up the driveway to the front door of her boyfriend’s house. Derek met her at the door, pulling on Honey’s choke collar.
    “It’s only Jo, you idiot dog!” he said, trying to stop the dog from barking.
    Josephine walked in and greeted the dog with kindness, petting and rubbing behind her ears. “Hey, Honey. It’s just me. You good girl, keeping the house safe from bad guys. It’s a good thing I’m not a bad guy, huh? Yeah, you just melt right into my hands, puppy.” She stood up and tried, unsuccessfully, to wipe the white dog hair off of her black sweatshirt.
    “What are you doing here? Was I supposed to get you or something? Did we have plans?”
    “No, not really. Just wanted to stop by, I guess. This weather’s got me kind of down.” She didn’t want to tell him the truth just yet, the timing wasn’t right.
    “Oh?” he questioned, wiggling his eyebrows, playfully suggesting some sort of innuendo.
    “No, you tool. I’ve just got some stuff on my mind, that’s all. You want a smoke?” She asked him, already on her way to the back porch. The sky was starting to get a little cloudy, but the weather was just as muggy as any other Florida summer day.
    They shared a lounge chair by the pool, looking up at the sky. “It’s gonna storm tonight,” she told him, for no reason other than to fill the silence between them.
    “You ok, Jo? You seem a little... Different.”
    “I think I’m pregnant,” she said as she got up and walked toward the screen door.
    “What?” His reaction was a mix of disbelief, surprise, and panic.
    “What do you mean ‘what?’ It’s simple. I think I’m pregnant. Preggers. Bun in the oven. But you don’t have to worry.”
    He was too stunned to comprehend what she was telling him.
    With the perfect timing to end a desperate silence, they heard Honey barking and Derek’s mother shouting for her son to ‘feed the damn dog already.’ Josephine never really liked her boyfriend’s mom, and the feeling was pretty mutual. Even though the words had never actually been verbalized, at least not to Josephine’s face, she was pretty sure Derek’s mom had a list of judgments about her.
    They lived in a small neighborhood in a small town, the kind that seems almost stereotypical in movies, where everyone knows everyone and one person’s business is the town’s business. The whole neighborhood knew about Josephine’s family, at least they liked to think they did. Josephine was the daughter of a young unwed mother, who was the daughter of a young unwed mother, who was the daughter of...
    Derek’s mom had known Josephine’s mom in high school, she knew of her reputation, and why she dropped out. There was no doubt in Josephine’s mind that this woman would be thrilled at the news of her being pregnant, though the fact that her son was the culprit would make the moment bittersweet.
    Josephine knew people thought of her as white trash, she knew of the rumored reputation she supposedly had, she knew all sorts of statistics were against her. She didn’t really care, though. No one else knew of her suspected situation, and as far as she was concerned, no one else would know. Josephine was not going to keep the baby.
    Before Derek’s mother could even make up a story about something he had to do immediately, and without Josephine, they were already walking out the door.
    “Mom, we’re gonna go for a walk. I’ll be home before dark. Can you feed Honey? Bye!”
    They walked down to the end of his street, taking their time. They had nowhere to go, nothing to do. They had just graduated high school a few months earlier; they had no classes to go to, no tests to study for, no job to be late to. They were just kids. So they walked.
    They got to an empty lot at the end of the street and sat down in the pressed-down grass. The two of them had frequented the spot almost every weekend they’d been dating. The upcoming October would be their third year together, and their first being apart. Derek was planning on going to the local community college that just recently became a state school, not sure of what he actually wanted to do with his life. Josephine was accepted to a state school 4 hours away.
    “Remember when we first came down here to have a picnic?” she put the cigarette out on a rock as she sat down in the dewy grass.
    “How could I forget? That isn’t exactly something that can be easily forgotten, especially when someone keeps bringing it up,” he said, pulling her into his arms. “Hey, quit laughing! It wasn’t funny!”
    “Oh, yes it is! You should have seen your face when you saw that dead snake next to your blanket! And if it’s not funny, why are you laughing, too?”
    They lied down in the grass and looked at the sky. Josephine had never looked for shapes in the clouds until she started coming to the lot with Derek when they were in middle school. She had flown her first kite at the beach when they were kids, she broke her first bone on his pogo stick when they were 10, he made her try a s’more for the first time at his family reunion... They were best friends, and had been since kindergarten. She rolled over and looked at Derek, his eyelashes were long and dark, as if he was wearing mascara. The effect was only enhanced by his soft blue eyes. She loved the way she melted whenever he looked at her with those eyes. The eyes someone young and hopeful would read as romantic and honest, the eyes that would disprove even the smallest doubt of love, the eyes that adolescents learn and fake so easily and so readily. He kissed her softly and stroked her back.
    Josephine had never been kissed so kindly by anyone other than Derek. The longer they kissed, the harder it was for her to let go.
    “So what are you going to do?” he asked, ready to make promises too hard to keep if he needed to.
    “I’m not keeping the baby.”
    He looked at her with eyes of loss. Now his eyes were sincere, because even adolescents can feel that pinch in their heart when someone hurts them. The darkening sky made his blue eyes deeper, sapphire instead of aquamarine.
    “I’m sorry, Derek. But this really isn’t something we can do.” She couldn’t even look into his eyes and say it, she knew the decision broke his heart.
    She sighed and got up, her jeans almost too tight from the new bloat. Derek got up and walked her to her car down the street, his arm around her protectively.
    When they reached her car, she gave him a tight hug, inhaling the scent of his cologne mixed with smoke and the coming storm. The smell of cigarettes always made her queasy, but it seemed intensified now. She hated it, but she loved it.
    “I love you,” she told him as she got into her car, waiting a few moments before she left so that she could stare into his eyes. She didn’t know why the men in her family’s life never stayed, or where they went. But she hoped Derek would stay with her, with or without baby.
    “Take care,” he whispered as she rolled the window up and drove away. “I love you, too, Josephine.” She was already down the road.

    She rested her hand on her belly as she drove to the drugstore on her way home. Her period had been irregular her whole life, but never a full month late. She was sure a pregnancy test would confirm her suspicion, giving her a better idea of what to do next.
    When she got to Walgreens she made sure that none of her former classmates were working, that would not be a very nice experience. Josephine wasn’t the type of person to be paranoid, but with her supposed reputation, and Derek’s mom having friends (who Josephine referred to as ‘spies’) everywhere, she could never be too sure.
    She was relieved to see that the only people even in the store were employees who all looked old enough to be collecting social security. She walked around casually, grabbing a coffee and a Snickers on her way to the aisle she needed. Josephine had never been pregnant before, and definitely did not ever have that talk with her mother, so she just picked the first one she saw and went to the cash register.
    “Anything else?” the woman behind the machine asked, giving her a look. Josephine decided she’d rather not have Old Lady Morals giving her dirty looks for being a whore, but since she’s doing it anyway she might as well buy a pack of cigarettes.
    It took all the motivation Josephine could manage not to smirk as the items were being rung up. Caffeine and nicotine work fine alone, but adding a pregnancy test to the mix, that was just sick humor she could not resist. After she paid she headed for the store’s restroom.

    When she was done, she waited in the locked stall for the time to be up. Approximately the same amount of time it takes to drink a coffee and crave a cigarette. She could hear the rain start coming down as she looked out the window at the top of the wall. She shivered as the air kicked on. It felt nice.
    Her phone alarm went off at 5:22 and she had her answer.
    Satisfied, she threw the empty coffee jar and used test in the trash, packed up her candy, cigarettes, and the other test, and left.

    When she got in her car to head home, the sky was almost black and the flashes of lightning followed by the crashes of thunder were rapidly occurring. “Good ol’ Sunshine State,” she said as she turned the wipers on high and messed with the defroster. After passing some jerk going ten under the speed limit and demonstrating her knowledge of sign language, she proceeded to go ten over the speed limit, splashing through puddles and standing water.
    At least now she knew she was pregnant. But how far along was she? Her period was a month late, but from what she’d heard that wasn’t very reliable. She couldn’t remember the exact last time she and Derek had had sex, but she figured it was probably the weekend after graduation. Her thoughts were bouncing around in her head. She couldn’t decide if she wanted to tell her mom, or how she would tell her mom she wasn’t going to keep the baby. She didn’t know if Derek would tell his mom, but she really hoped he wouldn’t do something as stupid as that.

    When Josephine got home, she found her mom on the couch, watching some judge tell the plaintiff that she can’t sue her ex-boyfriend for child support if he isn’t the father and the courts have already told her he doesn’t owe her any money. “Mom, why do you even watch this crap?” she asked, dropping her keys on the kitchen counter, taking an espresso drink out of the fridge.
    “I love this show! Where’ve you been all day?”
    “I was with Derek, mostly just hiding from his mom. What day is it?” Josephine had been a little confused about the days since she graduated, lack of responsibilities can do that to a person.
    “Tuesday. Hey! You can’t drink that in your room, finish it in the kitchen. And feed the cat?” The commercial break was over and her mom’s attention was back to the courtroom.

    Josephine finished her iced espresso and went to the garage for the cat’s food. Before she could even fill the bowl up, he was already eating. “Dang, Maple. You musta been lonely today.” She smoked a quick cigarette in the garage while she watched her cat eat. When he was done she picked him up and went to her room, passing her mom and laughing to herself at how funny her mom was sometimes.
    When she got to her room, she dropped her bag on the floor and her cat on the bed and turned on her computer. She flopped on her bed and rolled over to look at Maple, who was staring very intently at the pull-string on the ceiling fan flying in circles. Josephine laughed picking up the kitten and rubbing his belly as she went online. She needed a natural way to do this. No sense in creating even more talk among the neighbors. Yet somehow she went from websites about pregnancy risks to looking up baby names.
    Josephine was in a near trance-like state, she was so fascinated by the names and processes and stages of babies. She quickly snapped out of it when her feisty kitty nipped her arm for more petting.

    She got up and went into her bathroom. She looked at her kitty’s gray face and sighed. “Maybe this test will show up different.” He meowed and jumped up on her bed to curl up on her pillow.
    Ten minutes later she found herself on the back porch with her mom, she lit up again. She knew she shouldn’t, but she just couldn’t help it.
    “Jo, why are you still up?” her mom had asked as she joined her daughter for a smoke.
    “Mama, it’s only 7.” She blew the smoke into the air and stifled a cough. “It’s just dark and nasty out.”
    “It’s only 7? Jeez. Did you see all the yard work I did today when you got home?”
    “No, what’d you do?”
    “I pulled weeds in the garden and planted some irises and daisies.”
    “What color?”
    “Purple.”
    “That’s my favorite.”
    “I know.”
    A few seconds passed— a silent bonding between mom and daughter. Josephine would be leaving for college in a few months, living farther away from her mom than she’d ever been before.
    “I’m going to go watch some TV in my room. There’s leftover meatloaf in the fridge if you’re hungry. Love you, Jo.”
    “Love you, too, Mama.”

    Josephine had no reason to tell her mom she was pregnant, she would never know about the baby her daughter didn’t keep.
    Josephine looked down at her belly. “Dammit, Jo.” She gained a bit of self-control— putting out the last of the cigarette and leaving the rest of the pack on the table as the rain started in. “I really need to quit.”

    Cigarette addiction wasn’t the worst addiction in her family, but it was the worst she’d ever done.
    She remembered looking (snooping) through her mom’s file cabinet when she was a kid, she saw letters between her mother and a man she later found out was her father. Josephine had written down the words she hadn’t recognized and went to the dictionary. ‘Abuse,’ ‘marijuana,’ ‘alcoholic,’ those were the first three. She was too scared to look up the last words at only ten.

    Maple clawed at the door, breaking Josephine’s thoughts. She opened the door, but her cat didn’t want out. He wanted Josephine to come back inside and spend more time petting him. She picked up her cat and walked to her room.
    When she relaxed on her bed with her laptop on and her cat next to her, she stated assuredly, to herself as well as to her curious cat, “No way will I bring a child into this world with those kinds of genes.”

    She spent hours on Google until Derek called at nine wondering if she was doing okay.
    “I’m okay, yeah...”
    “Jo, you’re lying. What are you doing? What’s wrong?”
    “You’re so cute when you’re concerned,” she told him lovingly, a small shadow of a smile on her lips.
    “That doesn’t answer my question.” He was stern and meaningful, he was used to her changing the subject to avoid confrontation with herself and anyone else, but wanted an immediate answer.
    “I’m just online.”
    “Doing?”
    “Go on and I’ll send you the link, okay?” she said, unsure of how to tell him otherwise.
    “Okay. Fine.” Defeated, Derek hung up the phone and logged online.
    Josephine sent him the websites she was on. He requested a video chat, which she gladly accepted. When the video opened, Josephine smiled at what she saw. Derek was wrapped up in a blanket at the desk in the corner of his room, with Honey sleeping on his bed behind him, twitching mid-dream every time the thunder boomed.
    She looked at the corner of the video screen and saw her own video— her wrapped in a blanket on her bed, propped up with a bunch of pillows. Her own kitty was curled up by her side, sound asleep. He wasn’t afraid of storms, but he was afraid of being alone when it was storming outside. He cuddled against her for safety.

    “Josephine, why are you looking at this?!” His emotions were all over the place, which Josephine figured was understandable. She interpreted anger, confusion, fear, disbelief, and who knows what else. She had sent him links to various websites about miscarriages. Websites about “why did I?” and “how can I prevent?” The one she was pretty sure caused his intense reaction was one in particular about “how to.”

    “Derek, we’re kids. We can’t have a baby. We can’t support a child at all. It’s completely illogical to even pretend we could.”
    “But, Jo, what... why... Jo...”
    Tears were in her eyes; they were already falling down Derek’s face.
    “Jo, I swear we could. I could get a job where my mom works. I could be the errand boy and her work. I could work at McDonald’s. And you can go to school and—”
    “Derek.”
    “Jo, why? We could try. Jo, I love you. And I’ll love you and our baby. And I’ll take care of you.”
    “Derek, I’m leaving for UCF in a few months. You’re going to Daytona State. Neither of us has enough money for a baby, or enough time.”
    She felt tears slide down her cheeks.
    “I love you, Derek.”
    “I love you, too, Jo.”

    She looked away, at a picture on her wall. It was a collage of her and her mom throughout her life. From the hospital— Josephine was crying and her mother looked desperate to help her new baby. Her grandmother was looking over her mother’s shoulder; someone had been cut out of the picture. Josephine always assumed it was her biological father.
    There was a picture of her and her mom at her preschool graduation. Josephine remembered that dress, she saw it at Walmart and threw a fit to get it. She had no concept of money or poor then, but she remembered wearing that dress for years. It was the dress for school picture day until she was in third grade, when she finally out grew it.
    There were pictures from school field trips, from Girl Scout meetings, graduations, birthdays...
    Josephine was crying now. She loved her mama, just like her mama loved her. Her mama often told her how lucky she was to have a daughter like Josephine, and how blessed she was.
    Her kitty was awake now, softly pawing her belly. Josephine could swear Maple was telepathic— always acting when she needed a call back to reality, when she needed a hug or a good cry. She petted the kitty, who snuggled against her belly for a nap.
    Josephine looked at Derek, who she’d almost forgotten about. He was reading something online, a look of determination on his face. She assumed he was searching for a job of some sort.

    “Derek?” her voice squeaked.
    “Jo?” he looked at her strangely, lovingly, hopefully.
    “I want to keep the baby.” New tears cascaded from her now puffy red-lined eyes.
    “Josephine Deserae Jones, I love you. And I plan on taking care of you for the rest of our lives. You, me, and our baby. I love you, Josephine. I love you.”
    “I love you, too, Derek.”
    “Tomorrow’s Monday, so I’m going to go first thing in the morning to look for a job somewhere, anywhere. You do what you need to do. Those sites all say smoking and caffeine all increase chances of miscarrying. You know you’re a smoking coffeeholic, Jo.” He looked and sounded so grown up, but he still had his soft, loving face. It reassured Josephine about the hopeful outcome of their situation.
    “I love you, Derek.” She was tired— exhausted— but would never be able to sleep through the night. She’d had sleep problems since her junior year, and was given some medication by her doctor. “Babe, I’m gonna go take some Tylenol and a sleeping pill. My back really hurts for some reason and I’m gonna go to bed because I’m planning on running some errands tomorrow.”
    “I love you, Jo.”
    She closed the video chat, shut her computer off, and took her meds.

    “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Shall I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
    Lord, please help me. I have doubts and I don’t know what to do. Lord, I am scared, be my courage and light. Lord, I am weak, be my strength and my support. Lord, I am confused, be my knowledge and my guide. Lord please protect me and show me the way.
    Amen.”

    By one Josephine was asleep.
    By twelve Josephine was awake.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    New-found, impossible-to-reason giddiness brought Josephine to the bookstore that afternoon. She needed a cigarette, but wanted to quit. She found herself compromising— allowing half a cigarette, just to break the habit. She had taken a pair of scissors and cut each cigarette in half.
    Accomplished, Josephine ordered a coffee at the Starbucks at Barnes & Noble and began her quest. On a budget of just $30 graduation money (after a month of spending, and before the expenses of a baby) she searched for just the right tools. How to quit smoking, how to prepare for baby, how to care for baby.
    Josephine heard a child throwing a fit somewhere in the children’s area— conveniently located right next to the pregnancy and health section were Josephine was. She was feeling nauseous, regretting her nicotine and caffeine consumption on an otherwise empty stomach. She dropped the books on a chair and went straight for the restrooms. Even in the stall she could hear the toddler screaming.
    Josephine sat by the toilet, still feeling sick, but not physically reacting. “False alarm, I guess...”
    Until a mother and a baby came in, Josephine was feeling better. Walking out of the stall to wash her hands, Josephine was introduced to the smell of baby waste— then to the toilet.
    “Oh, you made a messy mess, didn’t you Miss Molly?” said the overly cheerful mother to her cooing baby girl.
    Josephine waited for the two to leave before she came out. “I hate kids,” she said to herself as she walked out of the restroom and saw two children throwing books off the shelves and running away.
    “I concur,” said the employee next to her. “They’ve been here for an hour and their father won’t control them. He thinks it’s our job to keep them in check.”
    Josephine helped him put the books where they belonged and left, she forgot about her own books, still sitting where she left them unless tossed around by unruly children.

    Josephine went to McDonald’s craving a Big Mac and Coke more than a heroin addict craves the needle. Upon walking into the grease-filled restaurant she almost gagged. Then she almost laughed. Not only had some kid thrown up in the indoor play area, but that was her boyfriend mopping it up.
    “I sure hope you’re getting paid for that,” she said as she walked closer, but not too close. She felt herself getting sick again.
    “Hahaha, Josephine.” Derek’s mocked sarcasm was one of those traits that many people found aggravating, but Josephine countered with her own charm.
    “Well I’ll take that to mean you’ll gladly change diapers and clean up messes.” She smiled an over-exaggerated grin when he playfully stuck his tongue out at her. “I’ll let you get back to work, don’t want you getting fired for flirting on the job,” she said with a wink.
    “I’ll see you later, Jo.”

    Josephine ordered what she came there for, then went to the restroom again when her vegetarian body rejected the beef patties.
    “This is going to be a long 9 months,” she said to herself, waiting for the frozen coffee she ordered to replace the Coke she forgot she hated.
    Josephine spent the rest of her day running errands. She justified that she needed something to do— not like she could sit on her ass all day on the computer.
    Really she just wanted to be where she knew babies and infants and mothers would be. She hoped to find a young mother, or at least a mom with no ring. She wanted to feel less alone in her situation. She wanted reassurance that she was doing the right thing, that she had a maternal instinct rather than instincts of animals that eat their young.

    Everywhere she went, the mind was constantly back and forth between thoughts like ‘someone shut that kid up!’ and ‘if I have a boy, he’d wear that adorable onesie!’ She listened to names and made mental lists, remembering one beautiful name in particular she’d have to look up later that night.
    She spent a while in the baby section of Target, looking at cribs and bedding, diapers and clothes, toys, car seats, strollers... She began to worry, everything was so expensive. What if they couldn’t afford a baby? Her mom couldn’t afford to help them on a substitute teacher’s pay, and there was no way Derek’s mother would help Josephine, even if she was pregnant with her grandchild.
    She bought a stuffed ‘for baby’ Winnie-the-Pooh so that the companion would smell like her when the baby was born, so that the crib wouldn’t be so scary.

    By 8:00 Josephine was home again. She walked in and saw her mom was watching TV, some doctor’s show. The patient this week was pregnant, but having complications. Josephine did not watch. She fed her cat and went out back for a smoke. She had forgotten she cut all of her cigarettes in half. She knew better, but she smoked 4. She had tears in her eyes with each light, tears falling with each puff. “I’m sorry, baby,” she whispered, rubbing her belly.
    It was dark outside, and she heard the thunder rolling in. Josephine wiped her face and went inside.
    “You okay, Jo? You don’t look so good. Are you crying?” Motherly concern.
    “Yeah, I’m okay. I just have a headache.” She took some Tylenol and ate a granola bar. It wasn’t very good, but she hadn’t eaten anything but french-fries hours ago.

    “I work tomorrow. Kindergarten at Okes Elementary. So I won’t be home when you get up.”
    “Okay Mom. Good luck. Kindergarten? I hope no one puts their boogers on you,” she said with a laugh. She was referring to a boy in her kindergarten class who was put in time out and wasn’t allowed to play at recess or at centers because Josephine had dared him to put a booger in the substitute teacher, and the dummy did it!
    Josephine smiled to herself and wondered if she hadn’t dared that boy, or if he hadn’t done it, if she’d still be pregnant with his baby right now.
    “As long as I don’t have a skutch like you I think I’ll be safe and booger-free,” her mom laughed.
    “I think my innocent brown eyes and Shirley Temple ringlets got me out of it, but that’s just my 18 year-old interpretation of a 5 year-old’s memory. No one can punish someone who looks like Shirley Temple.”
    “Or Bo-Beep!”
    Josephine laughed and stuck her tongue out at her mom.

    The National Weather Service interrupted the TV show to issue a severe storm warning for a few surrounding counties, and a tornado watch for a few others.
    “Good thing we live in the Sunshine State!” her mom said sarcastically.
    “You’re missing your show, Mom.” Josephine said after the announcement had finished and the show returned with a birth scene.
    “It’s okay, I’ve seen this one before. I’m going to bed. I heard you feed the cat, should have told you I already did. Sorry.”
    “Oh, well. He’ll just be half as hungry tomorrow.”
    “Night, Jo. Love you.”
    “Love you, too, Mama.” She hugged her mom and went to her room, Maple following closely behind.

    Josephine called Derek when she got to her room, and texted him when he didn’t answer. He was still at McDonald’s and would be until he got off work at 9. Josephine decided she really wanted some french-fries and a milkshake, so within ten minutes she was back at the fast food chain waiting for Derek to get off work and downing a large fry and the milkshake she planned on having, which turned into an iced coffee as she ordered.

    When Derek got off work they went to sit in his car.
    “So you got a job the same day you applied?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
    “The hiring manager kinda owed me a favor.”
    “What kind of... favor?”
    “Well, let’s just say I’ve got some dirt on him that would look really bad at corporate.”
     Josephine didn’t really care about what it was, who it was, or why it mattered. Derek had a job. Part-time and unstable, yes. But a job was a job. And once Josephine started school in a tourist town she was almost positive she’d find something.
    She told him about the Pooh Bear she bought for the baby, and told him she felt silly for doing it.
    “I love you,” he told her reassuringly.
    “You too, Derek. Did you tell your mom about...?” She was really praying he hadn’t.
    “No, did you?”
    “No, not yet.”
    Derek yawned, which caused Josephine to yawn.
    “Hey, Jo, I’m gonna go. I’ll see you tomorrow. They had me doing grunt work for 8 hours, and I work the 7-3 shift tomorrow doing the same shit.”
    “Alright, be careful on your drive home. The roads are full of water.”

    When Josephine got home she went back to her computer. Her lower back had been killing her all day, and now her stomach was beginning to really hurt. She figured it was just normal pregnancy stuff and took some Tylenol.
    After browsing baby-related websites for a few hours, she decided she really needed some sort of rest and took some Tylenol PM and a sleeping pill and got ready for bed.

    “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Shall I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
    Lord protect my baby. Keep your child safe. Lord, I am worried, be my assurance. Lord I am unsure, be my certainty. Lord, I need help, be my assistance. Please show me the way, help me know what to do. I don’t know if Derek and I can do this.
    Amen.”
    She cradled the Pooh Bear in her arms and went to sleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Josephine slept terribly. She had nightmares all night, she kept half-waking in tears and falling asleep again.

    She dreamt that Maple got jealous of her baby belly and pounced on her, but her little kitten was a full-grown tiger, clawing at her abdomen, telling her (in the voice of Derek’s mother) she will go to hell.
    She dreamt she was in the car and witnessed an accident and the injuries the victim had affected her: bashed open skull, burning flesh, cuts and bruises all over her body, and finally death.
    She dreamt she was nursing her baby girl, for the very first time. But when she looked down to see her angel, she saw a ghost in her arms.


    Josephine woke up for the final time crying. Her body felt different, she didn’t know how, though. In her fog of just waking up she felt lighter, like a feather.
    She grabbed her phone from her nightstand without rolling over to see it was just after 2. She missed a text from Derek saying he loved her and to text him when she got up. She missed a text from her mom saying pretty much the same thing.
    She texted her mom and asked how kindergarten was going, who replied simply ‘thank God for naptime!’
    She texted Derek asking him when he got off work and decided to get up and get dressed when he told her he’d be done in an hour.

    Josephine could barely move, she hurt so terribly. Then the pain hit her— and the shock. She rolled out of bed slowly and carefully and saw blood, a lot of blood.
    Josephine dropped to her knees and began to cry.
    She made herself stop crying after almost 15 minutes, just long enough for her to strip her bed and take a hot shower.
    There was no way she’d be able to clean those sheets and she knew it.
    She threw the messy sheets into a black garbage bag and threw them in the trash. She drove to see Derek.
    She didn’t get down the street before turning around and grabbing Baby’s first Winnie-the-Pooh.

    “Maybe I’m just over-reacting... Right? I mean, lots of women bleed when they’re pregnant... Right? That doesn’t necessarily mean I...” she tried to reason with, but just couldn’t deceive, herself.

    She drove to Walgreens to get another test. Old Lady Morals was at the register again. (Was it really only two days ago that this all happened?)
    Josephine had no desire to show sarcasm or apathy to the old woman, and the woman looked at her with what Josephine interpreted to be sympathy or compassion. She looked in the mirrored cover of a security camera behind the counter and saw how pitiful she looked. Her light brown curls were all over the place, her eyes were puffy, and her nose had a slight shade of red. She was a mess.
    When the customer in front of her left, the woman rang up the pregnancy test, pressed a few buttons, and gave Josephine the receipt. Josephine looked at her questioningly.
    “God bless you, dear,” Old Lady Morals told her with the kind face of a grandmother or an angel.
    Josephine nodded and said thank you. She left to find the restroom once more. This time she was hoping for the result she didn’t want only two days ago.
    She left 5 minutes later, tears falling silently and steadily from her deep brown eyes.

    Josephine drove to the empty lot down the street from where Derek lived, the one where they’d had picnics in, the one they’d played tag in as kids.
    The sky was a light gray, with the smell of a storm fading away. She parked her car and texted Derek to come meet her in the lot.
    She sat alone for ten or fifteen minutes, tears slowly gliding down her face, as she sat in the wet grass and waited for Derek.

    “Jo, what’s wrong? Why are you here?” Derek asked, when he finally got to the empty lot as he grabbed her into his arms. He could see how upset she was, he could see that she had been crying lightly, and she started crying much harder as he took hold of her. She wrapped her arms around him and cried.
    “Jo, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong? Look at me Josephine!” His
    sapphire eyes were burning questions and fear and concern into Josephine’s. When she looked him in the eye, he knew.
    “Jo... No... Josephine... Did... The baby...”
    She shook her head and sobbed.
    “Josephine...” He held her close, she let him hold her.
    He didn’t care that she was getting tears and snot all over his shoulder, and she didn’t care that he smelled like grease and coffee.

    After a few minutes she was exhausted from crying. Her whole body ached, her heart ached. She had been cradling the Pooh Bear the whole time.
    She was sitting in Derek’s lap, resting her head on his shoulder, sniffling softly.
    He was gently rubbing her back, holding her closely.
    “I love you, Josephine.”
    “Love you, too, Derek,” she whispered.

    A few moments passed, leaves rustled, a bird chirped softly.
    Josephine closed her eyes against the sun, just beginning to show through, and took a deep breath of the wet grass and trees.
    “Angelea,” she said decisively.
    She surprised Derek, and she surprised herself. He’d thought she was sleeping, she thought she was, too.
    “What?”
    “It means ‘weary angel.’”
    “Angelea,” he repeated softly, kissing her shoulder.
    “Angelea,” she said again, quieter. Just loud enough for Winnie-the-Pooh to hear.



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