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Johnny

Kenneth DiMaggio

Chapter 1.
JOHNNY IS A MISFIT
    Johnny was a misfit. Johnny was a misfit because his name was Johnny. He had no last name. His name was just Johnny. His father only had one name too. His name was Dad. Johnny’s mother had one name too. Her name was Mom.
    Johnny was a teen. Johnny never called himself that. Sometimes, Johnny called himself Satan. Sociologists and educators called Johnny a sociopath. A sociopath is someone who can’t fit into society and takes revenge on it by assassinating its teachers, political leaders, and rock stars.

Chapter 2.
JOHNNY’S PSYCHIATRIST TRIES TO MOLEST HIM
    Because Johnny was a sociopath, his parents sent him to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist’s name was Dr. Mengele. Dr. Mengele was a handsome middle-aged man. He had a good build and perfect features. He smiled a lot too, and his teeth were big and white. Someday, Dr. Mengele hoped to make Johnny smile a lot too.
    Johnny visited Dr. Mengele’s office once a week. Dr. Mengele’s office had a lot of pictures on the wall. Some of the pictures were of children and teens smiling. Some of the pictures just showed smiles. And some just showed teeth.
    Usually Dr. Mengele did all the talking. Johnny never said much. Johnny never said much because he was stoned.
    “So Johnny, how was school today?” Dr. Mengele asked.
    “We learned about Vietnam today,” Johnny answered. “Everyone wasted everyone.”
    “Johnny,” Dr. Mengele said. “We’ve known each other a long time. I also know your Mom. I’ve also helped your Mom. She never used to smile before she came to me. And I would like to see your father too. I’d like to see him smile all the time too. But Johnny, what I want to say is that we know each other well enough not to keep secrets from each other.”
    “Okay, I’m stoned,” Johnny said. “But I promise never to do it again.”
    “Johnny,” Dr. Mengele said. “You can trust me. Just tell me, did you kill John Lennon?”
    “No,” Johnny said. “That was somebody else.”
    “Johnny,” Dr. Mengele said as he put his hand on Johnny’s knee. “You have a sociopathic personality. But don’t worry. I’m here to help you.”
    “Thanks,” Johnny said.
    “Johnny,” Dr. Mengele said as he rubbed the inside of Johnny’s leg. “Did you kill President John Fitzgerald Kennedy?”
    “No,” Johnny said. “That was somebody else.”
    “Now remember what I told you,” Dr. Mengele said as he started rubbing Johnny’s groin. “You’re a psychotic alienated teenager with no concept of right or wrong. But don’t worry. I’m here to help you.”
    “Thanks,” Johnny said.
    “Just be honest with me, Johnny,” Dr. Mengele said as he unzipped Johnny’s zipper. “Did you push anti-apartheid activist Stephen Biko out of the fourth floor window of a South African police station?”
    “Who’s he?” Johnny asked. “And what’s ‘apartheid’?”
    “Never mind,” Dr. Mengele said as he withdrew his hand. “We’ll talk again next week. And say hello to your Mom for me Johnny.”

Chapter 3.
JOHNNY SMOKES A LOT OF MARIJUANA
    Johnny smoked a lot of marijuana. Dad drank a lot of bourbon. Mom took pills that were wrapped in plastic. Often, the three of them had conversations when they were stoned.
    “So Johnny, how was school today?” Mom asked.
    “We learned about Vietnam,” Johnny said. “Everyone wasted everyone.”
    “Johnny, I’m disappointed in you,” Dad said. “You didn’t try out for varsity sports. I’m beginning to think that you don’t want to turn into a fascist like your Dad.”
    “My psychiatrist tried to molest me,” Johnny said.
    “Now Johnny,” Mom said. “Dr. Mengele is there to help you. He’s helped me quite a bit. He’s prescribed these pills for me. See? They come wrapped in plastic. That’s to keep sick people from tampering with them and lacing them with cyanide.”
    “Johnny, when I was your age,” Dad said, “I was on the line-up for the team and making vicious cruel comments about women.”
    “Didja hear about the guy across the street?” Johnny asked. “The police found all these dead boys buried in his cellar. He used to chain them, have sex with them, and then torture them to death. I used to deliver his newspaper. He seemed so normal.”
    “Say Johnny,” Dad said waiving a steak knife. “What do you think about those Braves? Want to go to the ball game sometime?”
    “These pills make me feel so full of go!” Mom said with a smile.
    “He seemed so normal,” Johnny said with his face in his hands.

Chapter 4.
WHERE JOHNNY LIVES
    Johnny lived in a suburb. It was called Dachau. All the houses in Dachau looked the same. The lawns, the Dads mowing them. The Moms swallowing pills wrapped in plastic. Even the National Guard jets flying above. They all looked the same.
    Dachau had a lot of civic organizations like The Lions Club. Someday, Dad hoped that Johnny would become a member of The Lions Club. Dad also hoped that someday Johnny would like sports.
    Dad’s Lions Club was sponsoring an anti-drug program. Sometimes, Dad brought home pamphlets about drug abuse and gave them to Johnny. Then Dad went into the old bomb shelter and made himself a drink.
    Johnny’s town only had expensive aluminum sided homes that all looked the same. There was nothing for Johnny and his friends to do. Johnny thought that Dachau was a boring place.
    Mom and Dad loved Dachau. It was a great place to raise a family. Mom and Dad worked in a city. The name of the city was My Lai. Mom and Dad would never have thought of living in the city that they worked in.
    Dachau had good schools for teens like Johnny. That was another reason why Mom and Dad lived there. They wanted Johnny to go to a good school, then go to the state university and become a member of The Lions Club.
    Johnny didn’t think his school was good. He thought it stunk. All the kids who played sports said things behind Johnny’s back. They said, Oh what a burnout. He’s never going to be rich and successful like me.
    Johnny didn’t think about planning for a career like those other kids. He had made a rational decision to smoke marijuana every chance he got. He knew that anti-drug programs like The Lions Club were just another way for its members to talk business.

Chapter 5.
JOHNNY HAS A METAPHYSICAL CRISIS
    One day, Johnny had a metaphysical crisis. It happened after Johnny’s neighbor was arrested for chaining and torturing boys to death in his cellar.
    The neighbor’s name was Mr. Eichmann. Mr. Eichmann was popular with kids. He coached a lot of teenage sports teams. He was also involved with the Boy Scouts. Mr. Eichmann never liked Johnny. He told Johnny to cut his hair. He also told Johnny to try out for some of the sports teams. Johnny never would.
    One night after Mr. Eichmann was arrested, Johnny had a nightmare. It was about coaches, ballplayers, and sports fans. For a while, everything about this nightmare seemed normal. The coaches coached, the ballplayers played, and the fans cheered. Then things didn’t seem so normal. The coaches tortured young male sports players to death, the ballplayers machine-gunned foreign-looking people to death, and the fans screamed and cheered and ate human flesh in hamburger buns and hot dog rolls. At that point, Johnny woke up screaming. He screamed, “But at first they seemed so normal!”
    Johnny also began to have problems in school because of Mr. Eichmann. Kids would come to Johnny and say, “Hey Johnny, what was your neighbor Mr. Eichmann like? The one who raped and tortured all those boys?” Johnny would just step back and say, “he wasn’t like anything. He was just normal.” Then Johnny would walk away.
    Johnny told Dr. Mengele about the nightmares. Johnny told Dr. Mengele that coaches, ballplayers, and even people like lawyers, insurance salesmen, and accountants were starting to scare him. Dr. Mengele said, “That’s nonsense,” and prescribed pills for Johnny that would help him sleep better.
    Johnny may have been having a metaphysical crisis, but he was stable in knowing what kind of drugs were good for you and what kind of drugs were not.
    But Johnny couldn’t escape this metaphysical crisis. Everywhere he turned in Dachau, there were normal people. A few of Johnny’s friends, Flash and Demon, were not normal. But all the teachers and jocks that Johnny thought were just nerds, now began to scare him. And then one day something happened that made Johnny feel completely alone in the universe.
    It happened when Johnny was smoking marijuana one day under a giant steel power line. Johnny and his friends smoked marijuana, drank beer, sniffed glue, snorted cocaine, shot speed, dropped Quaaludes, did shots, and hung out under one of the power lines at the edge of town.
    Johnny and his friends liked the power lines because they looked like giant erector sets. The utility company liked the power lines too. They brought the people of Dachau their electricity and made the utility company a lot of money. It was after Johnny lit his second joint that a flying saucer landed a few feet away from him.
    “Big deal, space people,” Johnny said, as two space creatures walked towards him.
    “Oh no, not another suburban teenager,” the first space creature said to the second space creature.
    “Hey, no one is going to believe you’re here you know,” Johnny said to them when they were a few feet away.
    “I can see why they torture suburban teenagers on some of the other planets we visited,” said the first space creature, which wore a suit and tie and had a big hole where his heart should have been.
    “They’re the same everywhere we go,” said the second space creature, which wore a military uniform and had a hole through his head where there should have been a brain.
    “So how do you like Dachau?” Johnny asked them.
    “Boring,” the first space creature said.
    “Why do you keep coming back?” Johnny asked.
    The two space creatures started laughing.
    “What’s so funny?” Johnny asked. “You guys must be stoned.”
    “No, earth boy,” the first space creature said.
    “We’re not stoned. We’ve just seen it all,” said the second space creature.
    “And after awhile, things look the same no matter which planet you visit.”
    “You traveled all the way to earth to tell me that?” Johnny asked.
    “Earth boy, what’s your name?” the first space creature asked.
    “Johnny, just Johnny,” Johnny said. “I have no last name.”
    “Well, where we come from,” the first space creature said, “I’m your version of an investment banker and he’s your version of a general.”
    “You know, money and war, go hand in hand, no matter which planet you’re from,” the General said.
    “Oh no,” Johnny said with some worry.
    “And you want to know what else, Johnny?” the General said.
    “No. What?” Johnny said as he put his face in his hands.
    “There is no God!” the General said.
    “No! No!” Johnny cried.
    “That’s right Johnny!” the investment banker said. “Once you die, food for the worms!”
    “No!” Johnny cried as he started to run with his face in his hands. “I can’t take God being dead on top of normality being a lie!”
    And that was how Johnny had his first metaphysical crisis. And life as a modern American teen for Johnny would never be the same again.

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