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For the Kids

Amanda E. Ronan

    It started with a photograph- 2 men, 1 woman, 2 children, both girls - arranged tall in back, short in front. The older of the children, a surly looking teenager, can barely contain her contempt- of life, of family, of putting on a show. The younger child grins widely, missing a tooth or two. The woman, early 40s-ish, smiles uncomfortably. The two men, one early 40s-ish, one early 30s-ish, beam happily, without notice- of life, of family, of contempt.
    It started with the surly teenage looking at this photograph a few years after it was taken; a few years further into life, a few years past the anger, a few years out of teen angst, a few years into a stable relationship. A few years free of burdensome family secrets. With new eyes, fresh eyes, loving eyes she looked at the photo- perhaps in the process of organizing a photo album, maintaining keepsakes, filing memories. The photo was just one in a stack accumulated over many years, saved in the process of many moves. The five faces peered out at her, unmoving, yet telling. Telling a story of a family, a family that changed and evolved over time as its members have grown.
    It really started 10 years before that photo resurfaced. A stickywarm August afternoon in New England. A girl and her young sister are outside playing, laughing. They hear the call for dinner and traipse noisily up the porch steps. Their parents are not, as expected, in the kitchen. Instead they are in the living room, the family room. Mom on the couch, Dad in his brown recliner. The girls sit, one on the floor with legs criss-crossed; the other on the couch. The mom, the dad, they break the news. They’re not in love anymore. It’s over. Both daughters assume responsibility- “we weren’t good enough!” one cried. “We’ll behave!” one promises. They look for any small iota of reason- anyway to fix the problem. The parents love their daughters and assure them that the separation has nothing to do with their behavior. The parents love their daughters and explain that sometimes people just fall out of love. The parents love their daughters and so they lie- just a little.
    A few months later, it starts to unravel. Piece by piece the older daughter starts to pick up on hints that all is not what it appears. Dad moves out. Dad moves into an apartment with a roommate- a one room apartment, a male roommate. Can it be? How does the young girl approach this? There are accusations in her mind. She finally asks her mother. “Yes, he is,” the mother replies. The girl goes blank- inhales sharply. Her father is not who she thought. They lied.
    The conversations start with the dad; he wants to talk. “I’ve always felt different,” he explains. He supposes he’s always known. He did love her mother- he still does- just not like the way a husband loves a wife. Now he loves his roommate the way he thought, the way everyone says, he was supposed to love his ex-wife. And his roommate loves him. They are togethertogether- partners. The girl tries to process what she hears. It moves through synapses; it morphs, evolves. It simmers angrily. “He used her,” she thinks. “He was using her, when they made us. We are mistakes. He was wrong about what he wanted- a wife and kids. He lied to her, he used her- they made us. We are lies.” She grows distant from her father. She is not uncomfortable with the newlove; she is uncomfortable feeling like a careless afterthought.
    The girl starts to grow, get older. As a teenager she can’t understand how her mother can be so forgiving. For years now, the parents raise the children separately- mostly the mother, but occasionally the father. However, holidays, important events, birthdays include everyone. There are not separate Christmases, Easters, 16th birthday parties, high school graduations. There is one- with a mother, a sister, a father, and a partner. The parents love their daughters and will not fight or argue around them. The parents love their daughter and don’t want them to be upset. The parents love their daughters and want them to grow up to be true to themselves. This is hard for the daughter, since it is a secret.
    No one can know- what if people find out?
    No one can know- imagine what would happen to your father; he’s a respected member of this community.
    No one can know- you’re expected to accept your father, but also accept that others may not.
    No one can know- this sort of thing just isn’t discussed; isn’t welcomed in this town.
    Some years pass and now people can know. The father retires from his respected position. The girls are growing up and not around so much. He moves out-of-state- to the city- to a neighborhood with rainbow flags in store windows and men holding hands with other men on the street. Now people know and it’s not such a big deal. The girl’s friends know. The girl’s boyfriend knows. Without the bottleneck pressure of secret-keeping, the girl cares less about how she used to interpret her father’s words. She knows her parents love her and have spent the years trying to show her what family is. She knows her parents love her and continued to be friends because they care about what family is. She knows her parents love her and are showing her what love is.
    Eventually it ends. It becomes- just life, just family. The older child turned into a not-so-angry adult. She began to realize what her parents did for her, what they each sacrificed to maintain their family. Her mother forgave so easily. She did not want her daughters to be angry, to look back and remember bad times. She was strong for her girls, despite what she grappled with, agonized over, struggled to understand as a woman whose husband came out of the closet after 13 years of marriage. Her father risked losing his family, his friends, his community in order to find himself. He dealt with the anger, mistrust, and misunderstandings coming from the people he loved. He accepted himself and was able to guide a family through processing what it had become.
    And so it ends, as the adult child moves into her own home and unpacks her belongings. She smiles at a family photograph, knowing that the sacrifice, heartache, and challenges that got them to this point is the true, undeterred meaning of love. In the photo she is wearing white. The man she loves is wearing black. Around them are a woman- radiant, smiling, two men- happy, true, and a beautiful 20 year-old sister-with a full set of teeth.



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