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The Intergalactic Brotherhood of Envatted Brains

Adam Mac

    Seven brains in their respective nutrient-rich traveling vats are packed and ready to go to their first union convention. All come from the Advanced Mind Lab where they have been admitted for different reasons—old age, car accident, national security, expropriated body, witness protection, and just wrong place wrong time. At the lab, they are obliged to participate fully in the neurophysiological experiments, which are intellectually rigorous and emotionally draining, in many cases requiring supplementary psychiatric therapy. Management’s proposed changes to the lab’s protocols and the experimentation schedule have rallied the brains around a cause. Recently, following up on a tip from one of the friendly lab assistants, the brains unanimously voted to join a union.
    Amelia: Where’s Mr. Caballo? I thought he’d enjoy getting away for awhile. I so enjoy his company.
    Ted: He was afraid of management retaliation and he wants to keep a low profile. Ever since Dr. Wienckell taped our therapy session, he’s been more than usually paranoid. You know, the assassination plot he’s obsessing about.
    Dotty: So, has anyone been to one of these conventions before?
    Louis: I don’t think any of us has. We only just learned about IBEB, but I hear they’re pretty wild, especially when they’re not in session, and they spend most of their time not in session.
    Hugh: Yeah, I heard the same thing. I hope this isn’t going to be a waste of our time.
    Amos: I’m not even sure this is the right union, but it’s too late now. Besides it’s the only one that would take us.
    Kevin: I can’t believe that management is threatening to take away our therapy sessions. I’m one of the luckier ones, but I need the weekly therapy sessions just to come to grips with living in a vat.
    Hugh: And if management has its way, all of us will be working longer hours, too. Forget about leisure time. Now we’ll get 8 hours sleep and 16 hours a day calibrating, testing, and giving feedback then retesting, recalibrating, and providing more feedback. It’ll be double the workload. It’s immoral though not illegal, because as we all know all too well, there are precious few labor laws protecting envatted brains. And that’s precisely why we joined IBEB.
    Dotty: That’s true. It’s even worse in some parts of the world and in other galaxies, so I’ve heard, where the brains in the vats aren’t tended to for weeks. Can you imagine swimming in the same nutrient soup for weeks at a time? Yuck!
    Amos: God this is a rough ride. Never thought space travel was this herky-jerky. My water’s splashing out of this tiny fish bowl they gave me.
    Louis: It’s specially designed for small minds, Amos. Mine’s bigger. In fact everyone’s is bigger.
    Amos: You know what you can do with that, Louis?
    Louis: Yeah, sorry. Couldn’t resist. You’re right about the ride though. It’s not nearly as smooth or quiet as I expected space travel would be, but then I’ve never been off planet Earth.
    Ted: It sounds almost like a train. I remember taking one when I was younger and still had a body. It felt like this – swaying and jerking – and sounded like this with the constant clickety-clack and occasional loud whistle and ding-ding ringing at crossings.
    Hugh: Well, it’s an illusion. We can’t get to the IBEB convention by train. It’s too far away ... not even in the same galaxy for God’s sake.
    Ted: I think I recognize the stops though.
    Hugh: Probably just coincidence. Anyway, we’ve got to be close and we’ll see then.

#

    Conductor speaking over the PA system: This is Union Station. All passengers must leave the train. This train is now out of service. For information on connections, please go to the concourse. Thank you for taking Rapid Urban Transit.
    Ted: It IS a train!
    Amos: And we’re STILL in Kansas, Toto.
    Hugh: Relax. Maybe it’s just a transfer point on our itinerary.
    Amelia: Is anyone coming to meet us?
    Amos: I knew it was a mistake coming.
    Kevin: Someone’s bound to find us in this room. But the real question is—
    Louis: What will they do when they discover a washroom filled with brains?
    Ted: What about the Brotherhood?
    Amos: Not in their job description. We’re SOL, LOL.
    Amelia: Hello. Can anybody hear me? Are there any telepaths out there? Hello?
    Dotty: They can’t hear you, dear.
    Amos: Got any more bright ideas, Hugh?

#

    Two scientists in white lab coats are surrounded by eight large vats each connected by thick overhead cables to a centrally-located IBM S/390.
    Scientist 1: That went pretty well I think. Their uncertainty about their mode of transportation seems to have unsettled them. Little do they know that the train is no more real than the spaceship.
    Scientist 2: Yeah, it seems to have been realistic enough ... for our purposes.
    Scientist 1: You think it was too subtle?
    Scientist 2: No. I think it was very clear, but they WILL have to think about it. We can listen in and get their reactions and present inclinations vis-à-vis unionizing and—
    Scientist 1: And recalibrate then retest the scenario if necessary.

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