---

 

This writing was accepted for publication in the 108 page perfect-bound ISSN#/ISBN# issue/book “Salvaging America” cc&d, v273 (the July 2017 issue) Order this as a 6"x9" paperback book:

Order this writing in the issue book Nothing Lasts the cc&d May-August 2017 collection book		get the 4 page May-August 2017 cc&d magazine issue collection 6" x 9" ISBN# paperback book:

Order this writing in the book Negative Space (the 2017 poetry, flash fiction & art collection anthology)		get the 298 page poem, flash fiction & art collection anthology as a 6" x 9" ISBN# paperback book:

This is Pain

Richard White

When I was 17... it only took a dollar to dream
By 36, it takes at least 600mg’s to silence the screams
You know... the Darkness is still having nightmares about me
Without thinking, politely I invite him in
I’ve had a hatred for taking pills ever since they were vitamins
But this physical and emotional pain calls for Paxil and Vicodin just to be alright again
See I ain’t left the battlefield, I’m trying to win the fight within
My 6 holes have closed but what about this sick soul
I just want to grab ahold and get control, I mean this is home
This is where my fears expose when I sit alone and erode
I’ve prayed my brain corrodes before it explodes
I mean sometimes, I won’t answer my phone because the dial-tone tends to remind me of a flat-line
The silence can be deafening....
I’ve been dealing with my aggression by Boxing
But I can only stomach but so much Naproxen
Chocking back Ibuprofens to not focus on the fact that I’m hurting with every jerking motion
Though I rather that than these thoughts, cause Percs don’t work on that type of hurt
I swear... I can feel the lining of my stomach getting weak
Chasing 30mg’s of Mirtazapine with another 10 worth of Ambien, trying to catch up to sleep
But it keeps leaving me
I’ve wondered if the Doctors were mis-treating me
Got me 2nd-guessing my reasoning, I don’t communicate so easily
I’m not like I used to be.....I’m still trying to get used to me
I’ve tried the Trazadone for depression, Tramadol for the pain
Though Schizophrenia may run in my family, I’ve taken long walks on the edge of insane
This is pain!
My 1st mission was to pick up Body-bags, here’s to putting life into prospective
To burning medically contaminated clothing of our fallen Brothers that I left here with and was supposed to be protecting
This is the hard truth I’m being forced into accepting
At 25 I was running marathons, by 35 I began hyperventilating while laying still
I used to love who I saw in the mirror, now it’s like staring into the eyes of a man I want to kill
This is real! This is Pain!
This is staring at the walls waiting for them to move again
This is drinking your way into a coma, trying to escape the moon again
This is pushing your family away cause your scared but you ain’t afraid of nothing, somethings got to give
This is searching for God at the bottom of those bottles so you can ask Him, how you got to live
This is wanting to hug your kids, after scaring them half to death
This is dire need of rest, the desire to catch your breath and salvage the You, you have left
This is feeling overcrowded in a crowd
This is when the silence is too loud of a sound to bear, forgetting how to show you care
This is feeling so far out there, you may as well still be over there
This is Pain
This is too many diagnosis, not enough treatment, so you just keep self-repeating
“I can beat it, I can beat it”
Poor appetite, I’m not eating.....searching for life’s meaning
But I’ve lost my way...
I’m lost.......and this hurts........
This is Pain

Copyright of written pieces remain with the author, who has allowed it to be shown through Scars Publications and Design.Web site © Scars Publications and Design. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission from the author.

Problems with this page? Then deal with it...