This writing was accepted for publication in the 108 page perfect-bound ISSN# / ISBN# issue/book... “Ancient Colors” Down in the Dirt, v148 (the August 2017 Issue) You can also order this 6"x9" issue as a paperback book:

Order this writing in the issue book Random Thoughts the Down in the Dirt July-Dec. 2016 collection book		get the 418 page May-August 2017 Down in the Dirt issue anthology 6" x 9" ISBN# paperback book:

Meeting Head-On and Head-Off

Andrew Schenck

    Sitting up in bed, my mind tried to reconcile the rapidly fading memories of a horrible nightmare with shadowy projections from a large oak tree, which crept along the moonlit walls to reach for me. Just as I made up my mind that waking up was the result of too many Doritos before bed, dull thumps began to resonate from the back porch. Moving toward the sound, a chill ran down my spine, and straight into my toes, locking me into position.
    There was a hairy ape-like creature standing next to my tomato bush. He had a serious six pack. It bulged and glistened, giving me the ridiculous idea that he must be one hard-core Planet Fitness guru. His snout and cone-shaped head made me sure he wasn’t human, but he walked on two legs, giving me the eerie feeling I was looking at some kind of missing link. Like an idiot, I went for my BB pistol, thinking it was the one thing that could save my life. Just as the creature began to fiddle with the porch door, a car sped by the front of the house, casting a light directly on his face. He looked startled, as if never exposed to such a contraption, and ran off into the woods, fusing with the foliage.
    Did Halloween come early this year? Have I gone completely nuts? The police certainly thought so. They took their sweet time, coming about 30 minutes after I called. When they heard what happened to me, their first question was, “Sir, are you currently on any medication?” I was starting to wonder if I did need some kind of professional help. After they left, I sat down in my chair, utterly exhausted. I drifted off, only to be woken up by the slightest rustle of the branches, the dull tick of a wall clock, the nearly imperceptible howl of a distant creature.
    The next morning, sunshine streaming from my picture window washed away a lot of my anxiety. Red-breasted robins chirped and fluttered around as they always did. A white-tailed deer grazed below the forest canopy, just waiting for me to turn my back, so it could sneak into my yard and eat my rose bushes. Getting back to the day’s routine was the best way to settle my nerves. One coffee filter, two scoops of the Ethiopian blend, and three cups of water. A recipe for calm. I thought there must be some logical explanation for the creature.
    Life was pretty routine until about midnight, when I heard a dull thump, followed by some kind of animal noise. It wasn’t a coyote. They have a high-pitched cry, which sounds more like a woman screaming. Instead, heaving breaths produced deep, ominous howls that ended with a crescendo of short whoops and grunts. As I peeked nervously out of my kitchen window, I saw the creature. This time, I slammed my marble countertop with a frying pan, trying to scare him off. He ran like a shot and was quickly devoured by bushes that lined the hedgerow.
    Not surprisingly, officers greeted me with the same incredulous tone. After they took my statement and left, I checked, double-checked, and triple-checked all the locks before sinking into my La-Z-Boy. With a cup of hastily-made green tea in hand, I tried to process the terrifying encounter, but involuntary tremors caused my cup to quake, creating a clamor that made concentration impossible. As I slowly drifted off to sleep, a ring at the front door jolted me back to reality. Seeing a hypnotic array of red and blue lights flicker across my living room ceiling, a flood of frightening scenarios raced through my mind. I ran to the door and found a man dressed in a dark blue uniform waiting at the front step.
    “I’m from the Cayuga County Sheriff’s Department,” the man said coldly. “We’ve found the suspect. He would like to talk to you.”
    Talk to me? Just as I began to process what he had said, another officer led the hairy creature over to the door. He now had a bald human head, framed with coke-bottle glasses that made his eyes look squinty. It was my next-door neighbor, Paul. Where in the world...Why in the world would he buy a gorilla suit? Evidently, he got it from a second-hand store, planning to pull off the mother of all pranks.
    After Paul finished telling me about his plan to joke around and then share a good laugh, he looked down dispiritedly, like a child ready for a spanking.
    “Would you like to press charges?” the deputy asked me bluntly.
    “Not YETI.”

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