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Down in the Dirt v056

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Decrepit Remains
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 Decrepit Remains, the 2008 Down in the Dirt collection book
Blankness

Eric J. Olsen

    In a heartbeat, he was awake. It wasn’t the kind of gradual waking after a night of sleep. It was complete and it was instantaneous. Even though he didn’t open his eyes, he could see. He couldn’t see objects, but he could see everything. And he could remember·
    He remembered the bitter taste in his mouth, as if he had been sucking on a penny. He remembered the sharp tingle that ran down his spine. But he also remembered that it actually all began much earlier. It was three years ago. It wasn’t something he had planned to do. The thought had never even crossed his mind.
    Standing at the railing, he was gazing down at the traffic. He was thinking that, in theory, eight floors didn’t seem very high. Of course, climbing the stairs every other day instead of taking the elevator kept him in shape, but the workout benefits didn’t really translate to the height. As he watched the cars going by, he marveled at how small they appeared. Granted, it wasn’t airplane-small, but details definitely were lost. The occasional pedestrian was lost to androgyny as those details disappeared to the distance.
    The evening was no different than any other. With a few hours left of the sun, he was just standing there, looking down. No thoughts ran through his mind. No plan coalesced in his mind. He was familiar with the darkness of depression, but it had been a while since he had succumbed to it. He only saw the traffic, hearing the occasional siren in the distance. His mind was blank.
    The next thing he knew, his mind was filled with a sound that reminded him of waves breaking on the shore, only much louder. It took him a second to realize that it wasn’t the sound of waves. It was only air. Air that was rushing past his ears as he flew to the ground. Even though he knew he was falling, he had no idea how he had fallen.
    He remained oddly calm as the cars continued to get larger. No screams came from his lips, not even a whimper. Time slowed. It seemed to him that he should’ve long since made contact with the ground, but it didn’t seem to be getting any closer. Sort of like that dream of running down the hall and it just keeps growing with no progress ever made, except this was vertical and it wasn’t a dream.
    As if time suddenly realized that it hadn’t been doing its job and needed to catch up, the ground hurtled toward him at a speed that seemed to defy the laws of physics. The harsh reality of the situation suddenly registered in his mind. But before he could attempt to scream, his body was wracked with pain as his fall was abruptly interrupted by the sidewalk. He began to think it funny that he had just proven that concrete was stronger than gravity. And then all went dark.
    Except he knew it wasn’t dark, it was blank. He knew his existence had changed. There were none of the signs that supposedly happen when a person dies. He didn’t float down a tunnel of light. He didn’t see loved ones frolicking in a field. He didn’t hear heavenly music. He didn’t feel a sense of wonder as he basked in the glory of a higher power. All he felt was blank. It wasn’t unpleasant. It wasn’t pleasant. It just wasn’t.
    A noise began to seep in, destroying the void that had become his existence. He had no concept of time, no way of telling how long he spent in the blankness before that noise, that beeping, had interrupted his lack of existence. That was the only way he had to describe it and he didn’t know how he knew that. He only knew that before the beeping, he had been nothing.
    The beeping turned out to be the heart monitor in his hospital room. After awakening, the doctors could explain his injuries to him, but they couldn’t explain how he hadn’t died from them. The people in his life didn’t care, though. On some level, he didn’t either. But mostly he missed the blankness. He never mentioned it to anyone, but the memory of that feeling of nothingness never left him.
    He knew he had to get back, but he wasn’t sure how. Without any rational explanation, he felt he needed something powerful to get there. An ordinary death wouldn’t bring it about. He had no idea what would happen with a normal death, but he knew he wouldn’t go back to being nothing.
    He continued to keep up the appearance that everything was fine. The shaky railing on the balcony hadn’t shaken his psyche, or so he tried to convince others. All the while, he pondered his dilemma, trying to piece together the answer. Eventually, in a flash of inspiration, he found one. He knew what had to be done.
    Constantly doing research, he kept trying to achieve his goal. The circumstances had to be just right. But time after time, his goal seemed impossible. He began to fear that he would never again get back to the blankness. Never again give in to the void and cease to exist.
    But this night, things felt different. Even before the atmospheric changes began, he felt that success was near. His goal would finally be reached. As he stood alone in the field with his arms raised to the sky, a calm came over him, reminding him of the first part of his free fall from the balcony. That had to be a good sign, he thought. He tried to push those thoughts away, afraid that the joy at possibly reaching the blankness would break the calm that he was sure meant fulfillment was imminent.
    The sky began to light up as the clouds released their tremendous energy. He knew it was close. Hair on his arms and along the nape of his neck began to stand up, causing goose bumps. He tried to push his growing elation aside and concentrate on nothingness. The taste in his mouth began to get bitter with that coppery sensation that reminded him of sucking on a penny. Tingling sensations simultaneously ran up his spine and down. When the two racing sensations met in the middle of his back, a blue light enveloped him. All thoughts cleared his mind. The acrid smell of burning flesh filled his nostrils. But he barely had time to register it as he fell to the ground unconscious.
    As soon as his body collapsed to the ground he was suddenly awake, more awake than he had ever been. Memories came flooding into his mind. He had just enough time to start to doubt that he had been successful. Before he could complete the thought, his mind cleared. All sensation ceased. Blankness.



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