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This Is What It’s Reduced To Now

Janet Kuypers, 08/30/06

I make phone calls every week
my sister calls me occasionally to tell me news
but now that my mother is dying
and she’s so far away
this is what it’s reduced to now

I call
and dad answers

he always answers now
it used to be that either mom would answer
or no one would be home
and the answering machine would pick up

but now he answers
and it’s almost pointless to ask
if mom can talk
because usually she’s asleep

but now she can’t talk
because she has to take pills, you see
pills to keep her functioning
as long as we can
before the cancer in her blood kills her

so she gets blood and platelets
whenever she gets to the hospital now
usually once a week
but she’s also taking pills
but the potassium pills are so large
she needs so much
that it upsets her stomach to swallow them

well, a pill apparently went down sideways
and in her weakened state
the large pill injured her throat
so she has been unable to eat for over a week

dad explained to me over the phone once
that they gave her a liquid
to slosh around in her mouth
to make her numb
so that she can take her medication

apparently not so she could eat

but so she could take her medication

###

I’ve been making phone calls
and this is what it’s reduced to now
being over a thousand miles away
and hearing bit by bit
about her deterioration

not that it matters to her,
but just so you know
it’s killing me too

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