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All I Can Capture

Janet Kuypers, 09/17/09

I’ve read the New Testament
tried to plough through the Old

I would read my sister’s prayer book
at night, in bed, just before sleep

because if you do it then,
just before you’re drifting to sleep
maybe that’s when He’ll sneak in
to catch you

so this is what I was supposed to believe
so I read

and wait for God’s Hand
to come down and take me
I waited for the metaphysical lightening bolt
but night after night
I would still turn off the light
and sleep
with only me
to guide me

###

I decided to separate myself from the world
placing a camera between us

to look through my viewfinder
and capture everything
create nice
glossy prints

I’d look for God
in the refracted light coming down
from the broken stained glass windows
delineated with lines of lead
from the desanctified church

but I should know better
to look for God in a desanctified church

like he would go there

pulling the camera to my eye
I would photograph the giant mural of Jesus
stand before the looming church organ
tap a few keys
listen for the reverberation
before walking away

then look for diving majesty in the mountains
try to climb one of the Alps through the snow in my sandals
photograph the Tetons from my driver’s seat in my car

but all I was doing
is looking for God
in plate tectonic shifts

but I look anyway
and couldn’t find Him
as I look into the chasms of the Grand Canyon
even in Bryce and the Arches
take pictures
hope for something more divine than nature’s beauty
to come to me from deep down below

I’ll even walk down the Canyon
if He won’t come up to me
I’ll go to Him
if He’s hiding

you want me to meet you half way?
fine.
I’ll even look up to the sky
photograph the clouds,
the moon
but even the moon is slipping away
as its orbit form Earth
pulls it away from me
an inch and a half every year

even the heavens
are getting farther and farther
away from me

so I’ve gone toward the Arctic Circle
photographed the dancing, prancing
majestic beauty
of the Aurora Borealis
stood bundled, shivering from the frigid Alaska air

but I know better
geomagnetic aberrations are beautiful
but not Godly

I’ve even photographed Michael Jordan playing basketball
or George Michael singing on stage
but whenever I’ve seen pop stars and sports icons
thank God for their successes
I never catch Him on film

all I can capture
is human talent and ability

I’ve looked to the majesty of nature
I’ve looked to the majesty of man

I’ve taken my camera
pointed
shot

tried to catch Him
tried to get a glimpse of God

a shadow

even an illusion

but I couldn’t even find that

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