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prepared for the worst

Janet Kuypers, October 13, 1998


I was fully prepared for the worst when I thought
it was going to happen. I had to be the strong one,
I had to show everyone that they could count on me.
The thought had never crossed my mind.

But I never thought about someone close to me
dying, someone I just thought would always be
around, someone that would live to their old age.

Well, I guess people worry about me and my heath
because bad things could happen to anyone, but I
thought I proved myself before, I proved myself
to all the doctors and the nurses and all the technicians
and even the cardiologists. I wonder if all of
those people thought of me now. I’m sure they don’t.

They’d have to be reminded of me. They don’t
know me, why would they remember me, it’s just me.

I fully prepared myself for the bed news, I was
wondering if I would even get the chance to see
the corpse, depending on our timing when we
got to the hospital. I don’t deal with death much, I’m

usually not at the hospital as it’s happening,
I’m just not used to this. But I knew I’d have to
emotionally clean up for this and I’d have to
be ready for this and this was something I might have to
be prepared for, in case it happened.
How do you prepare yourself for something like that?

I mean, I’m a girl, I’m used to women wanting to
openly cry when they hear bad news. I’m used to

women falling apart at the seams and I’m used to men
never falling apart at the seams. Is that something
that makes men and women different, or is that
something men and women just learn with time?

Anyway, I was busy preparing myself for the worst, so I
wouldn’t fall apart when the bad news was sent to my
door. Am I supposed to deal with news like this when
I just hear it, when it’s just told to me, am I supposed

to just fall apart then, or am I supposed to be the strong
one and take it all and be prepared for it?
Well, I was prepared for the worst and I was
prepared for people to be crying when they got to the

hospital with me and I was prepared to be strong
and help them through this. I made this decision
that this was something I had to do and I was
just going to have to deal with that fact, maybe

today, maybe later.
I got there and there was no bad news, no one was
dead or dying, and everything was normal. Well,
normal in a hospital as far as I can tell. I’m not an

expect on normalcy in hospitals. I’m not an expert
on these things. But there was no bad news, and I
visited people and talked a little in the
hospital, and everyone wanted me to talk to prove
to everyone they knew me, well, they wanted me to
talk to prove that I was normal and I was fine.

“And this could happen to you,” I said, “And you have
to want it and you have to make yourself better.”

I didn’t know what else I was supposed to say.
I still haven’t entirely dealt with what that day could
have been like if it was someone else’s last day. But I
prepared myself for it. Just in case.

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