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Chapter 38 (v1)
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finally, literature for
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Order this writing in the book Guilt by Association cc&d 2013 collection book		get the 374 page Jan. - June 2013 cc&d magazine issue collection 6" x 9" ISBN# paperback book:

Scars 2000
“Find What’s Wrong”

Janet Kuypers
July 2, 2000

I

An Admiral, A General
      A high-ranking military official
when you get somewhere in the military
when you grease the right wheels
when you climb the corporate ladder
when you get as high as you can

when you make your graceful exit
when you’ve been adorned with pins
                                                             and medals
                                                             and badges of honor
and you’ve got all your stripes on your sleeve

when you accomplish it all
and when you retire

well, then what?

II

the effeccts of age are getting to me

my vision is shot to hell
                my contacts kill me and
                my glasses are so old
                they’re only half the strength of my prescription
so when i look at things
                i notice the blur more than
                i notice the detail

my senses of taste and smell are shot to hell
                i throw so much garlic on food for flavor
                that i offend my friends and family
                and i can’t even smell
                when i smell
i mean, cologne is lost to me

my one ear is closed most of the time
                and it feels like i’ve got water in my ear
                and it hurts for me
                to hear myself even breathe
damnit, i can’t even sing any more
                and do one of the things
                i actually like to do
i try to hear beautiful sounds
                but people are usually talking over it instead
                and all i can hear
                is their incessant bickering and whining

and god damnit, i try to enjoy something
every once in a while
and something more irritating
is usually in the way

                you know, i’d rely on writing
                but for a while, i couldn’t even do that
and what do you have then?

i can feel it in my left ankle
like i can’t carry weight like i could any longer
and my left knee keeps cracking and popping
and my sister says,
you know,
you’ve got the 'kuypers’ knees
and i guess the kuypers have bad knees
and i was always unaware of that

the knuckle in my right thumb
has been swollen for over a decade
and even the doctors can’t find anything wrong

and whenever i write
i grip the pen so tight
that my fingers hurt
and all i can feel
is the ache in my joints

III

and whenever i look down
and see the scars on my body
and i should be proud of some
and some would say that i should be proud
of surviving some traumas
and having the scars to prove it
but all i see are the scars
and all i feel are the aches and pains

is this what scars do to you?
or is it the memory
of surviving the trials
and getting the scars
and is THIS what you have to show
for everything you’ve done
are these your pins and military stripes
you get after you accomplished your goal?

because what do you do
when you’re retired
do people care about your medals of honor
or do you earn so many
that they just weigh you down?

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