[the Writing of Kuypers] [JanetKuypers.com] [Bio] [Poems] [Prose]
I have thought of you,
One was that I had a gun to you,
I don’t know what I did with that gun
The Other Scenario was that
I had no idea where my male friends were
You had walked up to the bar
My friends came over right away
and he did
I wanted to be able to introduce you as a rapist
but within five minutes
I started to walk away
the cops apparently didn’t do anything to you
one of my friends knew who you were
I waited inside long enough
one of my friends came back to the bar
Someone asked me,
these are the ways I think of you
Listen: (2:22) 
to this recording from Fusion
Watch this YouTube video
live at the Cafe in Chicago 12/08/09
See YouTube video of Janet Kuypers reading her 3 poems Knotted Hate, Floating Away with the Tide and Scenarios 2000 at Elizabeth’s Crazy Little Thing (with a “darkness” theme) in Wicker Park, Chicago (Cfs)
See YouTube video of Janet Kuypers reading her 3 poems Knotted Hate, Floating Away with the Tide and Scenarios 2000 at Elizabeth’s Crazy Little Thing (with a “darkness” theme) in Wicker Park, Chicago (Cps)
scenarios 2000
Janet Kuypers
August 4, 2000
in the past I have thought of you before,
and I usually imagined you in one of two scenarios:
that for once I was the one in control
even though I hate guns
this was one of the ways in my head
and you were on the ground
looking up at me
and I was standing over you
and braced myself stiff and straight
because no one was going to beat me this time
and I pointed the gun at you with both arms
and I have no idea what I said to you
and I have no idea how we got to this position
all I know
was that you couldn’t hurt me
I don’t know if there was any resolution
to the story
but this is one of the ways
I have thought of you
only one
you tried to kill me
I was at a bar
and I saw you come in, but you didn’t see me
so I asked the bartender to act like I was never here
and I made my way to the bathroom
I borrowed a scarf from a girl in there
and I put on my glasses
and I got up the courage
to go out to the bar again
I felt so alone
I mean, I borrowed a scarf
from a stranger in the washroom
but I thought,
it’s now or never,
you think you look silly wearing sunglasses in a bar
well, think that you look like Jackie O
and you look elegant
and fantastic
and no one can tell you otherwise
and so I left the washroom
and I made my way back to the bar
right to where I was sitting before
and you pulled out a high school photo of me
and asked the bartender if I looked familiar
and the bartender said that he never saw
the girl in that photo
and you left one hand on the bar
and you started to lean back
and it gave me the change to give the bartender
another tip
and while you were back
I saw my friends
and one of them spotted me
and they decided to yell over the people at me
saying my name, saying that they were looking for me
and you turned toward me when you heard my name
and I couldn’t help but stare right at you
when you did it
and I didn’t know what to do next
and all I could think
was that I didn’t have to be alone for this battle with you any more
and under any other circumstance
I would have yelled at them for screaming out my name
or walking over to me and taking my glasses off
but you were right there
and I had no time to react and be angry at them
I was just relieved
so I started talking to them
and you came up
and I acted surprised
and within thirty seconds I turned to get a beer
and I leaned with a friend
and I told him I saw a gun on you
at your waist
and could they please tell the bartender
but I knew you had a gun
and I knew I had to play my cards right
the cops came in, walked up to the bartender
and he pointed you out
I said I had to go to the bathroom
I wanted to make sure you couldn’t grab me
or take me hostage
or kill me
your gun must have been legal
so they told you to leave the bar
so they told the rest of my guy friends
to meet you outside
to give that scarf back to that stranger
but all I know
was that it look like you hated me when you left
and I just watched to make sure this enemy went away
and never came back
and maybe I could heal then
told me I had to see this
so I went outside with them
and saw the bloody heap they reduced you to
and they all stood in a circle and looked at me
as if they were waiting for me to deal the last blow
so
so I kicked you once
in the stomach
I thought that I didn’t want to be the one who killed you
by kicking you in the face
God, I’m an idiot that way
why couldn’t I have done more?
am I too nice
or am I a baby
or do I want to blame someone else?
So I left it at one kick
and I leaned toward your face
and I said you were a rapist
and I don’t think you heard me
but I didn’t care
and I got up and started to leave
should we just leave him here?
And I said, “Leave WHO?”
and they understood
and walked with me
they are the only ways,
just so you know
Copyright Janet Kuypers.
All rights reserved. No material
may be reprinted without express permission.
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