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(studio session 03/16/09)
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of the Cutting Room Floor at the Palos Park Public Library 10/07/09
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at the Palos Park Public Library of the Cutting Room Floor
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Live at the Café in Chicago 02/24/09
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live at Cana-Dixie to Chi-town 12/15/09
video not yet rated See YouTube video 5/13/16 of Janet Kuypers reading her 3 poems Lambs To Heaven’s Gate, Why I Didn’t See God and thank you, women who work one, plus her bonus reading of the Ai poem The Good Shepherd at Georgetown’s Poetry Plus open mic at Cianfrani’s (from a Canon Power Shot camera).
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See YouTube video 5/13/16 of Janet Kuypers reading her 3 poems Lambs To Heaven’s Gate, Why I Didn’t See God and thank you, women who work one, plus her bonus reading of the Ai poem The Good Shepherd at Georgetown’s Poetry Plus open mic at Cianfrani’s in Texas (from a Sony camera).

Why I Didn’t See God

Janet Kuypers, 12/29/08

I would be walking home from school
and the next thing I’d know
is that I was flying an airplane again
the weather was really awful this time
and I had to take a terrible turn
to try to get through this air maze
I could feel the controls shaking in my hands
but before I had a chance to land
I would be walking again
almost at my friend’s house
same clothes, no school books
and I’d wonder how I got there
and where was that plane

I remember walking through the fields
behind my parent’s house
and seeing a missile flying through the sky
I stood and watched
as the missile landed across the field
and the mushroom cloud
from the nuclear explosion
started to rise
I just watched in amazement
as I could feel the shock wave
race through the field, push through my body
before I felt the first wave of heat
rip through me
I can’t remember seeing the foliage burning
but I remember feeling my skin burn
looking down at my hands
I’d feel my skin singe and start to disintegrate
and the sickly sweet smell
I couldn’t shake it
till I finally closed my eyes

I opened my eyes
and my friends were in the field with me
I didn’t know why they were all looking at me
till I looked down and saw the ball in my hand
and knew they were waiting for me
to pitch the ball

 

###

 

I was medicated for years
and couldn’t even get my driver’s license right away
because of seizures

but I could smell my skin from the nuclear blast
feel the shake from the plane controls
course up my arms

I watched the nuclear blast

felt my plane nose dive

I knew they happened

and the doctors would ask me
if I hear voices in my head
or if I’d hear someone calling my name

and the answer was yes

 

###

 

but things have changed since then

the doctors deduced that I wasn’t schizophrenic
I didn’t have a psychological disorder
(I guess that’s their way of saying I’m sane)

and I no longer got those hallucinations

 

###

 

but recently, learning from a philosophy book
discussing visions the saints saw
            I always thought they were hallucinations
            of those who fasted for weeks
            but were allowed to drink only beer
but this book credited a number of scientists
who hypothesized that these saintly visions
were products of temporal lobe seizures

many small seizures

I was an altar boy
I was thinking of becoming a priest
and I think of these visions
that preceded men’s sainthood
I think of my memories of brushes with death

it just makes me wonder
in all of my memories
why I didn’t see God


Copyright © 2008 Janet Kuypers.

All rights reserved. No material
may be reprinted without express permission.

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