eight ball answers all
Janet Kuypers
performance part piece started 10/1/14, continued 10/3/14
and finished 10/4/14 in preparation for an “impromptu” 10/7/14
Chicago improvisation show with live music from the HA!Man of South Africa
I look around me
and see so many things that are wrong.
I pick up recyclable trash
that people leave in the streets
because
everyone’s made this world
such a filthy place,
so I wonder:
are the choices we make
to recycle cardboard, tin or plastic
helping the environment at all?
Maybe I should ask
the Magic 8 Ball:
Are we making a difference
for the environment
when we try to recycle?
COME BACK AND ASK AGAIN
What?
Okay, let me rephrase that.
Wait, I have
a fuel-efficient car,
so is it smart to buy
a hybrid-electric car?
MY SOURCES SAY NO
I guess that makes sense,
since they need a special Nickel alloy
for those electric batteries,
and the only way they do that
is to pull the Nickel
from a Nickel mine
in Sudbury Ontario
(and because of the way they mined
for I don’t know how many years
the landscape in that whole area
looked like a lunar landscape for decades,
not a single thing could grow
with all the pollution
they threw onto the land there).
And wait a minute,
we Americans want those cars with the batteries,
and they’re destroying land in Canada for it,
but THEN they’re shipping that Nickel to CHINA,
where the apparently whip that Nickel
into a FOAM of some sort for the battery.
THEN they ship it to us
slobbering Pavlovian Dogs
in the United States.
Besides, they cost more to buy
than fuel-efficient cars,
so if you owned the electric hybrid
for more than 16 years,
you’ll brake even.
And they say you need to replace
that globally bad for you battery
every 100,000 miles.
Did you now that in the U.K.
they call the Prius the Pry-us?
Kind of reminds me
of the South park episode
where people thought
they were high and mighty
and bought “pious” cars... (Versus “Prius”...)
That was the same episode
where the same people
farted into wine glasses,
because they liked the smell
of their own farts.
Wait a minute...
Magic 8 Ball,
you’re supposed to be
answering question for me.
So let me think...
I’ve got one:
I heard a woman recently
who accused a man of raping her,
it got a ton of news coverage,
and then I found out
that she made it up
because everyone would assume
she was raped
and we’d instantly care deeply
for this “victim”.
So I want to know,
I know people talk about rape
like it doesn’t happen anymore,
so, are women not being attacked
sexually like that anymore?
MY REPLY IS NO
Right, because I heard a while ago
that one in three women
are sexually assaulted
by the time they leave college,
but I didn’t know
if that meant things had changed.
I know I get cat calls and horn honks
when I go out for walks
on the street in the summer,
but it might just be me,
so Magic 8 Ball,
is sexism still really a problem now?
WITHOUT A DOUBT
That’s what I figured.
I know there were so many stories before
of women in the military getting harassed,
and not being able to tell their male superiors.
And I know that what I get is next to nothing
compared to the comments some women can get
just walking down the street —
and I am sick and tired of people saying
that the problem is that men just can’t help it,
and maybe women shouldn’t try to look too enticing
to men when they walk down the street.
So apparently we can’t
expose our legs, or wear tank tops
when the weather’s warm.
Maybe we women
should dress in a burqa
and only show our eyes
to all those men out there
who can’t help it.
Either that
or act like a crazy person,
failing our arms
and babbling at anyone,
maybe that will distract them
and make them forget
about degrading women.
(Pause)
Ah, the things we women have to do
because otherwise, you men can’t help it.
(Pause)
(Look down at the Magic 8 Ball)
(finally speak)
What are you looking at?
Oh, fine,
I’m supposed
to be asking you questions.
Let me think...
Wait a minute,
the Ebola virus
has been spreading again —
I’ve heard it appearing annually
(kind of like the flu,
but a little more lethal,
and only seemingly spreading
on the other side of the planet)
but I’ve never heard of Ebola
affecting anyone I know.
But I heard right-wing
24 hour news media pundits
only talk about the fact
that one person came from Liberia,
then got sick from Ebola
after helping a bleeding
pregnant woman in Africa.
I even heard for a full day
about how no one was willing
to enter the infected man’s apartment
to sanitize it
(sorry, that’s what haz-mat suits are for,
and sorry, clean-up crew, that’s your job)
but I have heard one source after another
complain that the U.S.
should restrict flights from Africa
and quarantine infected countries.
I don’t know if Obama will allow that
since he seems to want to give amnesty
to every Mexican illegal immigrant
in the United States...
But I did hear someone say
that the United States used to do that,
to halt flights into the States
from countries with infectious diseases,
so... Do you think
the U.S. will stop travel from Africa?
IT IS DEFINITELY NO
Yeah, I didn’t think so either.
But Ebola has never been a problem
in the States before,
in more developed countries
they have been able
to isolate people infected
and help them survive.
So, are the Republican talking heads
just trying to scare their listeners?
IT IS CERTAIN
(laugh)
Maybe I shouldn’t listen
to the scare tactics
the 24/7 drive-by media.
Because I heard one bobble head
from FOX News say
that we should stop all flights
from South Africa.
(look to South African man playing music)
So, you’ve just come from South Africa.
(they nod yes)
Do you have Ebola?
(they nod no)
Did anyone at your airport
stop people from flying
to the United States
because of Ebola?
(they nod no)
Well, maybe that says
a lot more than any 8 Ball could.
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