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for my car or my life

Janet Kuypers, October 16, 1998


I never once had the chance to grasp
that anything ever happened to me

for me it wasn’t until after the hospital,
after what seemed like an endless stream of weeks.
Was I expected to move to another house and
move in with unexpected people and
face the fact that I had to move and
I had to put all of my belongings in storage,
that my car was gone
Was I expected to

go through all of this? That insurance
companies wouldn’t even attempt to
fix the car. They gave me enough money
for my time, but not for my car or for my life

No one has paid me back for
all the time that I have now lost
I had
planned to take my time off to travel, to

take my car and do what I wanted
to do
Now I have no car, no time,
no chance
who is going to pay me
back for all that I have lost?

There is no one to pay me back
There

is no one to even apologize to me, and
I have no one to forgive for all of this
They
couldn’t even give me that much

So who is going to pay me back
No one.
I knew that when it happened, when I was
angry, when I resigned myself to losing

anything that I used to value
There’s nothing I
can do to get all of that back
It’s gone
I’ve
never before thought that anything could
happen to me, because nothing did. I was

in the intensive care unit to the hospital,
I was on a respirator, I could say more of
the same, but I’d just bore you with the
details
The problem is that I have to deal
with all of this happening to me, and there
is no one around that can answer for all of
what has happened

I just have to let it
still sit inside myself, I still brood about
it, and I could hope that time is supposed to
heal all wounds
I don’t know if that works
though, if time does in fact heal all wounds.
That’s what people keep telling me
I don’t

know how time could help me with this one
Ask me in a few years
if I forgot
and everything is better

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