poem If She’s There, poem about hearing things that remind you that your mom is dying, By Chicago Poet Janet Kuypers

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If She’s There
when I was on the phone with her yesterday
mom said she was going to go back home,
across the country
and I told her that I’ll visit her
maybe in July, after she gets there
and she replies
If I’m there
and you know, under normal circumstances
she could say that because, who knows,
they might go to Tunica
to gamble for a weekend or something
but no, if she might be out of town
she’d say so
so just hearing her say “if I’m there”
was just one of the infinite number of ways
it hits home
if she’s there, she says
I know I’m planning to see her because she’s dying
I know our lives are turned upside-down
because she’s dying
but every little thing said now, no matter
how innocuous, is like another
nail in her coffin
and I can’t pull those nails out
I would if I could, I’d scrape my fingers raw
I’d bleed a river
but I can’t get my fingertips under
those nail heads
and I have to sit here
and let time tick by, until the inevitable
while the tears continue to cry a river
tick, tock, tick, tock

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