x-raying metal
under my skin
Janet Kuypers
1/20/17
Went to a back doctor
where chiropractors twisted my back,
heard strings of cracks along my spine
at every appointment —
and at one point
they took an x-ray of my chest and back,
checking for disc injuries and inspecting
the curve of my spine.
Went into the office,
they bought me into a room, turned a light box
on at the wall, placed my x-ray in the light
and asked,
“What is this?”,
and they pointed at what almost looked
like an angular spider missing a few legs
in one of my veins.
I started for a moment.
Then I think my eyes turned into saucers
when I realized what this foreign object was
in my body.
“Oh, that’s a
Vena Cava filter,” I said to them. “It was
placed in me when I was in a coma
and they didn’t know
when I’d wake up.”
They looked at me for a second, ‘til I said,
“I’ve always wondered what that looked like.”
And although
it’s metal in my vein
that would vibrate, tear through the veins
to my heart and instantly kill me if I ever
had an MRI scan,
although this metal
was placed in my vein without my consent
when I was in a coma, despite this, I
wanted this x-ray
so I could feel
some sort of connection to this invader.
I know, I know, it’s only there to stop
blood clots
from traveling
to my heart or lungs or brain that would
kill me, I know it’s only there to help, but
this foreign object
has taunted me
for too many years now, planting seeds
of distrust in the back of my mind. This
microscopic monster
was placed in my vein,
driving this love/hate relationship I now have
to this non-human object embedded
deep inside me.
I know it’s there.
At times I think I can feel it. I think this metal
mini spider is also scratching at my soul,
to remind me
that something foreign
has invaded me, I can’t claw it away, and while
I hate it and I need it, it always reminds me
that there is something
deep inside me
that will invade me like this
forever.
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