Extension of “Him”
Janet Kuypers
11/21/19, on the 1929 birthday
of feminist writer Marilyn French
When I got married,
I thought about
my having to take
my husband’s last name
and use it as my own,
destroying my own history
and now calling myself
and extension of him.
Well, I don’t know
if I really thought that,
but after I almost lost
my own life, and still
spent my time trying
to piece together
who I was, I asked him,
since the literary world
knew me with my family name,
the name of my father
born in 1929,
if he was okay with me
not changing my name.
He was fine with it,
of course,
but looking back,
it makes me think
of the many ways
women have to change
who they are
to be a supplicant
to man.
And,
of course,
if we women want
to have a career,
that’s fine,
but many men still think
that women should also
cook and clean
and not only birth,
but also raise their kids.
So much for us women
feeling like we can do it all
on our own, when we
are still expected
to do more work
for less pay,
and be happy
for the opportunity
in this patriarchal society.
For the oppression of women
is the underlying current
in any male-dominated culture...
wait,
who am I kidding,
it’s the underlying current
in any culture.
Let’s not fool ourselves.
Because I know that for years
I worked as an acquaintance rape
workshop facilitator,
which made me a counselor
and a sounding board
to more women
than I can remember,
since one in four women
are sexually assaulted
by the time they leave college,
and make that number
one in three women
over the course of their lives,
women like your sister,
your mother, your daughter —
just to name a few,
but in our society
all women have been raped,
when men rape women
with their eyes,
their laws, and their codes.*
Because women have been
denied inclusion in history,
we have been denied our history,
which denies us our present,
and even a real future.
We can carefully chronicle
this history of oppression
with seclusion and exclusion.
And we can praise
the strides we’ve made
despite these man-made
barricades that permeate
every aspect
of our female lives,
while remembering
the strides we still
must make
against all odds.
Because — we’re strong
creatures, you know,
smiling demurely
while we take care of others,
all while getting ahead ourselves.
It’s a tough job,
but we’ve known that all along,
and we’ve taken it on
without batting an eyelash,
with or without eye makeup,
and whether or not
we’re reminded regularly
of all we fight against
in our battles to be good,
we feel all the things
men have historically
imposed upon us.
Whether or not we’re told,
all these obstacles
are always permanently burned
in the backs of our brains,
and we still seem to do well
despite those pains
you men ingrain
in us.
So just realize
that if you ever notice
how well any woman has done,
know that everything
was accomplished
despite the big bully
in the room, always
breathing over her shoulder.
For all that hot air
breathed down by man
remind us
that we can —
and will —
defeat Goliath.
* from her 1977 debut novel “The Women’s Room”, ISBN 0-345-35361-7
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