rough mixes from Janet Kuypers     Janet Kuypers teamed up with Pointless Orchestra — with musicians and artists including Mike Hovancsek, David Estefan, Phil Kester, John Kuegeler, David Badagnani, Sarah Hartshorn, Matt Turner, Mike Foster and Paul Guerguerian — to create music with the writings in this collection. Instruments include assorted percussions, bass, bowed cymbal, bowed electric bass, cello, chimes, didgeridoo, drums, dumbek, electric guitar, electronic manipulation, english horn, flute, gongs, gu zhen, halim el-dabh - piano, homemade electronics, keto, kulintang, a mason jar, metals, metal samples, modified piano, party samples, a recorder, saron, spring, synthesizer, tambura, trumpet, tuba, vibes, water trays, and even a waterphone. And not only does this compilation exist, but three tracks from Rough Mixes also exists on the CD The Angel Scratch Radio Project, and another three Rough Mixes tracks exist on the CD Throwing Silverware Down Stairs. Pointless Orchestra is now disbanded, but learn about the CD performances of Rough Mixes at http://www.janetkuypers.com.

Photographed in Kent, Ohio, where the music was created for these writings Andrew Hettinger I never really liked you. You never revealed yourself to me and why would you: you, who never had anyone, you, who always had the bad breaks. Everyone looked at you as different. Where would you have learned to trust. Who would you have learned it from. I never really liked you. I met you through a friend and he explained to me that multiple sclerosis left you with a slight limp and a faint lisp. Faint, under the surface, but there, traces of something no one would ever know of you well enough to fully understand. I never really liked you. You never revealed yourself to me and I never wanted you to; you scared me too much. You, plagued with physical ailments. You, with a limp in your walk. You, with a patch over your eye. You, who stared at me for always just a bit too long. They told me the patch was from eye surgery with complications and now you had to cover your shame, cover someone else’s mistakes, cover a wrong you didn’t commit, cover a problem not of your own doing. The problems were never of your own doing, were they. I heard these stories and I thought it was sad. I heard these stories and thought you had to be a pillar of strength. And then I saw you drink, straight from the bottle, fifteen-year-old chianti. And I saw you smash your hand into your living room wall. This is how you lived. The house you lived in was littered with trash. Why bother to clean it up anyway. It detracted you from the holes in the wall, the broken furniture from drunken fits. This was how you reacted to life, to the world. You didn’t know any better. This is how you coped. I never really liked you. You would come home from work, tell us about a woman who was beautiful and smart that liked you, but she wasn’t quite smart enough. And I thought: We believe anything if we tell ourselves enough. We weave these fantasies to get through the days. I never really liked you. Every time you talked to me you always leaned a little too close. So I stayed away from the house, noted that those whom you called friends did the same. I asked my friend why he bothered to stay in touch. And he said to me, “But he has no friends.” This is how I thought of you. A man who was dealt a bad hand. A man who couldn’t fight the demons that were handed to him. And with that I put you out of my mind, relegated you to the ranks of the inconsequential. We parted ways. You were reduced to a sliver of my youth. I received a letter recently, a letter from someone who knew you, someone who wanted me to tell my friend that they read in the newspaper that you hanged yourself. Your brother died in an electrical accident, and after the funeral you went to the train station, and instead of leaving this town you went to a small room off to the side and you left us forever. Strangers had to find you. The police had to search through records to identify your body. The newspaper described you as having “health problems.” But you knew it was more than that. And I was asked to be the messenger to my friend. The funeral had already passed. You were already in the ground. There was no way he could say goodbye. I shouldn’t have been the one to tell him this. No one deserved to tell him. He was the only one who tried to care. I never really liked you. No one did. But when I had to tell my friend, I knew his pain. I knew he wanted to be better. I knew he thought you were too young to die. I knew he felt guilty for not calling you. He knew it shouldn’t have been this way. We all knew it. I never really liked you. But now I can’t get you out of my mind; you haunt me for all the people we’ve forgotten in our lives. I don’t like what you’ve done. I don’t like you quitting. I don’t like you dying, not giving us the chance to love you, or hate you, or even ignore you more. My friend still doesn’t know where your grave is. I’d like to find it for him, and take him to you. Let you know you did have a friend out there. Bring you a drink, maybe, a fitting nightcap to mark your departure, to commemorate a life filled with liquor, violence, pain and death. I never really liked you, but maybe we could get together in some old cemetery, sit on your grave stone, share a drink with the dead, laugh at the injustices of life when we’re surrounded by death. Maybe then we’d understand your pain for one brief moment, and remember the moments we’ll always regret. Photographed in Kent, Ohio, where the music was created for these writings Christmas Eve we made dinner fettuccini alfredo with chicken and duck vegetables bread we ate couldn’t finish everything we were putting on our coats getting ready to go to midnight mass i decided to pack up our leftovers give them to some homeless people on the main street we got in the car and drove to broadway and berwyn i got out of the car walked over to a man there asked him if he was hungry i got the bowl of noodles and the gallon of milk out of the car another man walked over to me i told them to promise that they would share i got in the car we were just driving and all i could think of was these two men in the cold eating pasta with their fingers on Christmas Eve Photographed in Kent, Ohio, where the music was created for these writings Conversations a day of grieving, 1/22/94 two the first death i remember was a friend of the family i was five and i always played with her daughter our families used to go on picnics together we were never apart then one day they told me the mother was murdered no one ever talked about it to this day i still don’t even know why she was killed or who did it but after that day everything changed we never spoke of her like she never existed we never spoke of our fear of our pain and we didn’t go on picnics anymore domestic violence in america nashville, tennessee i have had my cheek bone and nose reconstructed twice we’re divorced now but he still keeps calling me he keeps denying it in court domestic violence in america nashville, tennessee according to accounts, her husband allegedly locked her and their four-year-old son in their house for about forty hours. They were essentially hostages. The husband then allegedly beat the woman while the son watched. This is the stick he allegedly used to keep her in line, it looks like a metal broom or mop handle, it’s hollow, and you see, here is a bend in it from the hitting. The bend looks like a twist of a garden hose. And this bloody knit glove, it was tied on here, at the end of the stick, so that when he allegedly hit her it didn’t scar her. Isn’t that funny? You can tell that the son was there for it all, too, he doesn’t talk much at all, and he never leaves his mother’s side. She limps down the hallway now, and he follows. Photographed in Kent, Ohio, where the music was created for these writings he told me his dreams 1 he was walking by the white hen pantry on sixth and green and they turned around the corner in the car opened fire on him he was hit over and over again; his teeth were shattered by bullets he said he died then and he saw from up above his bloody body he even saw his obituary but then he went back, did it over again: this time he was in the doctor’s office. It’s always like this, he thinks, always running away from death he told me his dreams 4 as he wakes up less rested than the night before. I had a dream my teeth fell out again, he said. This time they fell out one by one, first slowly, then faster. Sometimes they all fall out at once, sometimes they fall one row at a time. I try to stuff them back into my mouth. What is this supposed to mean? I don’t understand. I just don’t understand these dreams. What does it mean when you dream your teeth fall out, when you dream it regularly? I think it means I’m afraid of commitment. No, I said, it means you’re pregnant. That didn’t go over well with him. And he walked to the washroom, brushed his teeth, made sure to floss, like he would four more times that day he told me his dreams 9 She said: Do you know that feeling you get when you’re starting to fall asleep and then suddenly you feel like you’re falling very quickly and you instantly wake yourself up? Everyone gets that feeling sometimes when they sleep. Did you know your body does that on purpose? You see, it happens when you’re very tired and your body starts to fall into a sleep state at too fast a speed. Your heart rate, your breathing shouldn’t slow down that fast. So your body makes you feel like you fall so you’ll wake up, feel a little tense, and fall asleep more slowly. He said: No, no, that’s not what I’m talking about. I know that feeling, but what I’m talking about is being in a dream and going to the edge of a cliff and jumping. She said: Well, what happens? Do you land? He said: Sometimes I wake up before I land, sometimes I land gently and live. You’ve never had a dream like that before? She said: No. He said: Why do I have dreams like this? Why this cliff? Why do I fall? How do I land? Photographed in Kent, Ohio, where the music was created for these writings I Dreamt About You Last Night “I dreamt about you last night and I fell out of bed twice you can pin and mount me like a butterfly” - Steven M. I dreamt about you last night. I called you on the phone even though you passed away over four weeks ago now. I don’t know why I called, I don’t know what I was hoping for, but when you answered your phone I said, “Dave?” You said, “Yes.” And I asked, “How are you?” You said, “Fine.” And I asked, “You’re not dead?” You said, “No.” “But I just told someone you passed away a month ago.” “Oh,” you said, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.” And you sounded so - so relaxed. So peaceful. They say that dreams are your chance to think over the things unresolved from your day. And I keep dreaming about you. Don’t I think about you enough? You’re the one that left me. Why are you coming back, at night, when I let my defenses down, slipping in through my window and working your way into my dreams? I dreamt about you last night. We were sitting together, about to go out for the evening. You were wearing a black t-shirt and black jeans. We were running late, and you were angry. “I wanted to wear this, but I wanted to put more black on - I wanted to wear my black vest and my black jacket.” You know, I thought it was always funny, how much you cared about the clothes you wore. So I said, “But Dave, you look fantastic in your jeans and t-shirt.” And you smiled at me and kissed me. I wish I could have told you more in life how good you looked. I’m sorry, Dave. I’m so sorry. I wish in life I could have told you the things you wanted to hear. I saw you today. You were in a black car and you were wearing dark sunglasses. He could have been you, if I closed my eyes and squinted just slightly. You pulled up in the lane next to me as I was driving to my sister’s house. You were about to turn right and I watched you look at the oncoming traffic, waiting for your chance to leave me again. Let me think that it was you, driving, living. Let me think that you’re just ignoring me. Then I can be angry with you. I dreamt about you last night. I was on a cruise ship, and you were working as a waiter. You wore one of those silly short jackets for your uniform. It was a sea blue. And every time I thought I saw you you would turn away to do your job. All I ever caught were fleeting glimpses of you, walking away. All I keep thinking is that my days are finally free of you but they’re not. I keep thinking of you. And it isn’t enough. I still can’t escape you at night. “kiss/passion” i’m thinking about myself too much all of my life it has all been about you what do you need what do you want how can i help you what can i do for you and now for once i start to live and now you tell me that i’m thinking about myself too much and i think back to all the time i’ve spent with you and all the care i’ve given you and now you tell me that i’m thinking about myself too much and i’ve cooked for you and i’ve cleaned for you and i’ve made sure everything in your world made sense and now you tell me that i’m thinking about myself too much and all i can think is that you’re only angry because i’m thinking about me at all Denise, with TVs at Medusa’s Japanese Television as reported in the New York Times: one new television show in Japan boasts young women in bikinis who attempt to smash aluminum cans in between their breasts another television show in Japan brings a young boy on stage to tell him his mother has been shot and killed to see how long it takes him to cry I wonder what they’d think of Rosanne and Married With Children people’s rights misunderstood I had a dream the other night I was walking down the street in the city and a man came up to me a skinny man, he lost his hair and he walked right up to me and told me no one cares anymore and he took my hand and asked me to care about him “I’m not supposed to be like this” he said “I’m not homeless, you know I have AIDS” and I wanted to tell him that someone did care, that he didn’t have to die alone, but you know how sometimes you can’t do things in your dream no matter how hard you try, well, my mouth was open, wide open, but no words were coming out and you know, I’m afraid to go to sleep tonight I’m afraid I’ll be walking down that street in the city I’m afraid that a pregnant woman will come up to me and ask me for a hanger and I’ll tell her there has to be another way and she’ll say this is the way she chooses I’m afraid I’ll be walking down that street in the city and a woman will come up to me and tell me she doesn’t want to live because she’s just been raped and her world doesn’t make sense anymore and I’ll tell her that she can make it that one in three women are raped in their lifetime and they all make it and besides, the world doesn’t make sense to anyone and she’ll say that doesn’t make me feel any better and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to walk down that street in the city again without it looking like a Quentin Tarantino movie where everyone is pointing guns at each other yes, Mr. NRA you are right I feel so much safer knowing everyone out there has a gun that there are more gun shops than gas stations and that everyone is so willing to do the killing why do my dreams have to be so much like real life I’ve got to stop dreaming of that damned street Scars 1997 I wear my scars like badges. These deep marks show through from under my skin like war paint on an Apache chief. Decorated with feathers, the skins of his prey. I have a scar over my left knee. It’s left over from a bout with poison ivy I had after climbing a mountainside. The four-inch long slice curves around my leg, almost perfectly defining the muscles in my thigh. I have a scar on my right shin. I slipped on a patch of rocks and cut up the lower half of my leg and filled it with gravel and dirt. Joe poured hydrogen peroxide on my leg and wrapped my wounds with paper towels because the cuts were so wide spread. An hour later I was on a plane home, so I could tend to my wounds in greater detail. Tend to my wounds in depth. Now all that is left is a two-inch line down the side of my leg. Although it wasn’t a very deep cut, it looks like it went straight to the bone. I have a circular scar on my left calf, from getting off a motorcycle and sliding my leg over the scalding hot exhaust pipe. It has been seven years since I gained that scar, and with each year I see it fade away just a little. I can still see it, but the memory is slowly slipping away. My cat scratched me on my wrist once when we had to give her medication. Cats don’t like taking pills, or having ointment dabbed on and liquid poured over their wounds. When giving her pills, we’d grab all her paws, pull her head back by the nape of her neck, pry her jaws wide open so the pill will fall back and she is forced to swallow it. But sometimes she’d move too much and a paw would slip out of our grasp. And now, over the bone on my left wrist, a long thin scar stares at me defiantly. I tell people that if they wake up with bruises and cuts they don’t remember, then they must have had fun the night before. But each marking, each scar is a story, is a memory. It is a way to remember how you lived. And it is with these marks that I gauge my living. It is with these marks that I feel decorated. the Battle at Hand I wanted you to know that I was on a mission when I saw you and that I was a warrior and you were just a helpless victim that couldn’t fight my weaponry that wouldn’t fight my weaponry I would come in to town and pillage and rape and rape and pillage depending on how you put it and rape is such a hard word, you know, entirely inappropriate for this because I made sure that you wanted me before it was all over because I have a knack for doing that     when I fight my battles this is how I care to think of you. I was on a conquest and i came fully equipped with ammunition I had bayonetts I had a rifle with rounds of bullets in a chain thrown over my shoulder I had a .22 calibur magazine loaded hand-gun I didn’t even need to use the hand-grenade or the tear gas even before i started using my tongue as a weapon with a kiss I used it as a weapon with words and I knew I had won you won over from the start you looked at me when I spoke and I think you might have actually wanted to listen to me and I would never have to resort to violence to get what I wanted from you we selsom had opportunities before and there wasn’t much of an opportunities here but we made one and we somehow made it work I know I wasn’t ready for a battle before but I want you to know that I came ready to fight and I didn’t care the circumstance or whether or not we had to be quiet     because we wouldn’t want anyone to find out     and no one did and no, it was not a monumentous moment in my life it was just a moment a conquest, a battle, and in my own mind, I won the war you still thought I was beautiful and that I was horny did I create a little monster in you? now I’m going to have to re-arm myself and use my stockade of defenses to push you away but that is the cost of winning battles all the time, I guess you thought I would always want you and you know, I liked winning the battle, but I’ll have to work again so that you don’t come back to haunt me because we weren’t meant to be anything to each other and you were just a conquest for me a battle won people thought we would never get along. but I know better I know there is no such thing as NOT getting along with me and I know I can make anyone like me as I did with you you were easy prey, you know. Photographed in Kent, Ohio, where the music was created for these writings the carpet factory, the shoes i heard a story today about a little boy one of many who was enslaved by his country in child labor in this case he was working for a carpet factory he managed to escape he told his story to the world he was a hero at ten put the people from the factory held a grudge and today i heard that the little boy was shot and killed on the street he was twelve and eugene complains to me when i buy shoes that are made in china now i have to think did somebody have to die for these will somebody have to die for these A video still from the poem “too far,” assorted video stills, and a video still of a televised news interview too far When he met me he told me I looked like Kim Basinger long blonde locks but as time wore on I knew I wasn’t her and I could never be her    and I was never good enough thin enough pretty enough I got a perm straightened my teeth bought a wonder bra    but it wasn’t doing the trick I bought slimfast used the stair stepper    ate rice cakes and wheat germ but I wasn’t thin enough    I only dropped twenty pounds so I went to the spa    got my skin peeled    soaked myself in mud wrapped myself in cellophane bought the amino acid facial creams but I knew they didn’t really work so I went to the doctor    got my nose slimmed my tummy stapled my thighs sucked thought about getting a rib or two removed like Cher but I figured they’ve got to be there for something and hey, that’s just going too far Zach, the cat “picking” the guitar with his teeth waiting for you (2/13/94) i look out at the evening sky snow falling out of the sky star-shaped flakes as big as fingertips falling onto my face melting into my skin touching mesharp and sweet like your hand on my cheek in the cold of winter it almost feels warm string theory broken guitar with strings without you (1/6/94) i look out at the evening sky trees laced with snow on the delicate branches glistening in the whiteness the darkened skytouching methe powdered streets the trees aren’t as beautiful anymore instrument strings warren stories i heard this story about this fat woman who sat naked on a pork chop bone once and didn’t notice when it lodged itself among her folds of fat. years later, when she felt a sharp pain, and the doctors couldn’t figure out what it was, they opened her up and found the pork chop, and realized that her skin just eventually grew over it. women’s very existence rape is neither a sex crime or a crime of passion rape is not an isolated brutal crime against women rape is often premeditated rape is a crime of violence rather than sex it is a crime of violence against women it is an attack by men on women’s bodies on women’s feelings on women’s very existence Bob Lamm, 1976 i still have to take showers a lot. i mean, every once in a while, no matter how clean i am to the rest of the world, i have to go take a shower. i lock all the doors, i close the shades on the windows, i put a towel over the bathroom mirror. turn the water on, piping hot, so steam is billowing out of the bath tub. i finally undress, open the curtain, put my foot in, burn my foot with the water. i wish i could hold my foot there, just a little longer. i turn down the water. wait for it to cool down, then step in. then i just put my head under the shower head. hold it there for a while. catch my breath. get the soap. start scrubbing. i use the soap first, then i get the bath brush. scrub off a layer of skin. i know this makes no sense. my skin is red, from the heat, from the scrubbing. but i know i’m still not getting it off, it’s down there, the molecules are embedded deep inside of me, and i’ll have to rip my skin off, pull out my organs before it goes away. but for now all i can do is take showers. white knuckled The hot air was sticking to her skin      almost pulling tugging at her very flesh      as she walked outside      down the stairs from the train station. Just then a breeze hot and sticky      hit her in just the wrong way, brushed against her lower neck, and she felt his breath again, not his breath when he raped her, but his      stench hot            rank when he was just close to her. Her breath quickened, like the catch of her breath when she has just stopped crying. All the emotion is still there      not going away. She walks to the bottom of the stairs, railing white-knuckled by her small tender hands, the hands of a child, and that ninety degree breeze suddenly gives her a chill. They say when you get a chill it means a goose walked over your grave. She knows better. She knows that it is him walking, and that he trapped that child in that grave Writing Your Name I sat there in the shade I took a stick I wrote your name in the ground preacher says the number one sin is lust then I am condemned to Hell for I want you and I don’t care what preacher says for if the elements wash away your name tonight I will be back tomorrow to write it again. added Internet bonus: Writing Your Name (in Finnish) jou naam schrijvend Ik zat daar in de schaduw ik nam een stokje Ik schreef jou naam in de grond predikte de eerste zin van zijn verlangen dan ben ik gedoemd naar de hel en het kan me niet schelen de priester zegt voor alle zekerheid voor andere veeg ik zijn naam uit vanavond kom ik terug morgen schrijf ik het opnieuw (writing your name) translated by Jean Hellemans

Published writings record Andrew Hettinger Art/Life Limited Editions v18 #4, http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/28/poem_237353.html, http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, Larry’s Poetry Page, and http://www.ilovepoetry.com. A French, German, Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese translation of this poem was published at http://www.my-diary.org/read/?read=2443. It also was previously published in the chapbooks Ferme le Bousche!!!, Ich Bein Ein Jelly Doughnut, and Se Habla Espanol (the poems). It is also on the compact disc Change/Rearrange. It was read on WZRD radio’s she The Cafe Radio Poetry Circus (88.3 FM) December 7 2003, it was performed live in the Side A/Side B feature in Chicago December 9 2003, and it was also performed in the weekly open mike and was released in the 2003 CD Sing Your Life. It was released on the compact disc Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra. It also was previously published in the books Contents Under Pressure, Side A/ Side B, Exaro Versus, oeuvre, Seeing Things Differently, Change/Rearrange, Moving Performances and Torture and Triumph. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - modified piano Christmas Eve Art/Life Limited Editions, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, Larry’s Poetry Page, Nite-Writer’s winter, One Dog Press, Opossum Holler Tarot, Penny Dreadful Review #20, CC&D magazine, http://pub8.ezboard.com/fthecriticalpoetsmessageboarfrm160.showMessage?topicID=21.topic, Ya See I Got This Turtle, http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, The Poetry Exchange, and ZZZ Zyne #xvi. It was in the chapbooks Looking Through Their Window, the Poetry Sampler v3, scratching, These Things in my Mind, The CRAZY Medication, Weinman Inspired Poetry, and the Finnish/English (USA/Vlaanderen) chapbook Janet & Jean For the First Time Together. It was released on the compact disc Seeing Things Differently and Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra. It also was previously published in the books oeuvre, Seeing Things Differently, Moving Performances, The Window and Treasured Poems of America. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - metal samples, bowed electric bass Conversations, a Day of Grieving two The Poetry Exchange, Best of Penny Dreadful #1 and #8 and #23, Larry’s Poetry Page, Opossum Holler Tarot, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, The Poems Gallery, http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, and CC&D magazine. Pieces from this series was previously published in the chapbooks Looking Through Their Window and Prepare Her For This. “Conversations Two” was released on the compact disc Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra. These poems all also was previously published in the books oeuvre, Seeing Things Differently, Moving Performances and The Window. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - Synthesizer, bowed electric bass, and waterphone Domestic Violence in America (nose) Juicy magazine, Larry’s Poetry Page, Art/Life Limited Editions, sparrowgrass poetry forum, http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, the Add-A-Poem Center, Freedom and Strength discussions, and CC&D magazine. It was released on the compact disc Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra, as well as on a CD from Pointless Orchestra, called The Angel Scratch Radio Project. It is in the chapbook violence in america, and it also was previously published in the book Close Cover Before Striking. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - bass, electric guitar, waterphone; phil kester - vibes; john kuegeler - trumpet Domestic Violence in America (stick) Larry’s Poetry Page, Sparrowgrass Poetry Forum, poets 2000 at http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, artvilla.com/kuypers/poems/poems.html, CC&D magazine, and yotko.com/jk/poems/poems.htm. It is in the chapbooks The Way I’m Going and Violence in America. It also was previously published in the books Close Cover Before Striking and (woman.). Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - bass, electric guitar, waterphone; phil kester - vibes; john kuegeler - trumpet He Told Me His Dreams one Arbitrary Random Thought, Art/Life Limited Editions, mishibishi. net/kuypers.html, CC&D magazine, Opossum Holler Tarot, Larry’s Poetry Page, Dream Network v15, http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/28/poem_234726.html, and poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/. All of the poems were in a chapbook called They Told Me Their Dreams. “He Told Me His Dreams 1” was released on the compact disc Seeing Things Differently, as well as the Torture and Triumph CD. It was released on the compact disc Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra. “He Told Me His Dreams 4” and “He Told Me His Dreams 9” were released on the compact disc Seeing Things Differently.The “He Told Me His Dreams” poems also was previously published in the books oeuvre, Seeing Things Differently, Moving Performances and The Window. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - koto; david badagnani - english horn; sarah hartshorn - kulintang He Told Me His Dreams four Arbitrary Random Thought, Art/Life Limited Editions, mishibishi. net/kuypers.html, CC&D magazine, Opossum Holler Tarot, Larry’s Poetry Page, Dream Network v15, http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/28/poem_234726.html, and poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/. All of the poems were in a chapbook called They Told Me Their Dreams. “He Told Me His Dreams 1” was released on the compact disc Seeing Things Differently, as well as the Torture and Triumph CD. It was released on the compact disc Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra. “He Told Me His Dreams 4” and “He Told Me His Dreams 9” were released on the compact disc Seeing Things Differently.The “He Told Me His Dreams” poems also was previously published in the books oeuvre, Seeing Things Differently, Moving Performances and The Window. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - koto; david badagnani - english horn; sarah hartshorn - kulintang He Told Me His Dreams nine Arbitrary Random Thought, Art/Life Limited Editions, mishibishi. net/kuypers.html, CC&D magazine, Opossum Holler Tarot, Larry’s Poetry Page, http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/28/poem_234726.html, poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, and Dream Network v15. All of the poems were in a chapbook called They Told Me Their Dreams. “He Told Me His Dreams 1” was released on the compact disc Seeing Things Differently, as well as the Torture and Triumph CD. It was released on the compact disc Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra. “He Told Me His Dreams 4” and “He Told Me His Dreams 9” were released on the compact disc Seeing Things Differently.The “He Told Me His Dreams” poems also was previously published in the books oeuvre, Seeing Things Differently, Moving Performances and The Window. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - koto; david badagnani - english horn; sarah hartshorn - kulintang I Dreamt About You Last Night Art/Life Limited Editions, http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, authorsden.com/den/editpoetry.asp?id=30126, http://www.my-diary.org/read/?read=2443, http://www.poetry-today.com, and Worldnet Publishing. It also was previously published in the chapbook screaming. An Italian translation of this poem was also published at http://www.my-diary.org/read/?read=2443. A French translation of this poem was published at poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?sitename=poetry1344&item=home. The French translation of this poem was previously published in the on line chapbook Ferme le Bousche!!!, and the Spanish translation of this poem is published in the on line chapbook Se Habla Espanol (the poems). It was released on the compact disc Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra. It was released on compact disc as well as performed at the live 1997 Chicago show Live At Cafe Aloha with writer Jason Pettus. It also appeared in the books oeuvre, Live at Cafe Aloha and etc.. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - saron, waterphone, metals I’m Thinking About Myself Too Much CC&D magazine, Challenges, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, Larry’s Poetry Page, http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, and http://www.ilovepoetry.com. It was released on the compact disc Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra, as well as on the Side A CD. It was read on WZRD radio’s The Cafe Radio Poetry Circus show (88.3 FM) December 7 2003, and it was performed live in the Side A/Side B feature in Chicago December 9 2003. It was released in the chapbook Content With Too Much Light; it also was previously published in the books (woman.), oeuvre, Moving Performances and Contents Under Pressure. The kiss image has was previously published in Art/Life Limited Editions, Dusty Dog Reviews, lazy bones review #1, Linsey Woolsey, CC&D magazine, and Opossum Holler Tarot v 446. It Also was previously published in the chapbooks dysfunctional family greeting cards, Rendering Us, the right there, by your heart chapbook, and the Printed Gallery. The image with the poem were used as the cover for an issue of the magazine Challenges as well as in the book Blister and Burn. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - gu zheng; bowed cymbal; matt turner, cello; mike foster - tuba, sampler Japanese Television Larry’s Poetry Page, CC&D magazine, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, The Poetry Exchange, , http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, and http://www.ilovepoetry.com. It also was previously published in the chapbooks Seeing Things Differently and The Casket You Bought. It was released on the Torture and Triumph compact disc, as well as on the CD Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra. It also was previously published in the books oeuvre, Seeing Things Differently, Moving Performances and Contents Under Pressure. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - koto, bowed cymbal; halim el-dabh - piano People’s Rights Misunderstood Art/Life Limited Editions, Angelflesh, cer*ber*us, CC&D magazine, Fireside Poetry Review, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, Green Cart magazine, Nowhere magazine vol. 1, Opossum Holler Tarot, Poetic Realm issue 2, http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, The Droplet Journal, The Poems Gallery, The Poetry Exchange, The Prose Garden, and http://www.ilovepoetry.com. It was in the chapbooks Politics and Violence, and Pop A Pill. It was released on the Torture and Triumph compact disc, as well as on the CD Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra. It was also released on a CD from Pointless Orchestra, called Throwing Silverware Downstairs. It also was previously published in the books Sulphur and Sawdust, oeuvre, Moving Performances and Close Cover Before Striking. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - recorder; phil kester - assorted percussions Scars 1997 mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, the Pink Palace of Poetitude at Peacock’s Paradise (from everypoet.net/~everycom/ppop/showthread.php?s=&threadid=22900), CC&D magazine v133, and http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/28/poem_237359.html. It was published in English as well as in Spanish at Hawthorne Press’ “From the Gallows” poetry and prose community (http://hawthorne.proboards25.com/). It was released on the compact disc with music from Pointless Orchestra called The Angel Scratch Radio Project. It was also in the chapbooks Poetry For The Masses and Se Habla Espanol (the poems). This poem was also included in the books Moving Performances, etc., oeuvre & Contents Under Pressure. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - gu zheng; matt turner - cello; mike foster - tuba The Battle At Hand A Room Without Walls, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, CC&D magazine, Art/Life Limited Editions, http://www.my-diary.org/read/?read=2443, authorsden.com (poetry listing), themestream.com/gspd_browse/author/view_author_info.gsp?auth_id=112592, PostPoems EzBoard Online Community at pub32.ezboard.com/fpostpoemsmessageboardfrm22, http://www.poetry-today.com, http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, Beatlick News Online, The Poetry Exchange at http://www.w3px.com/poems/2000/2000_07/week_3/ pxp43782.htm, The Poetry Exchange at http://www.w3px.com/poems/ 2000/2000_08/week_4/PXP44839, and http://www.ilovepoetry.com. It also was previously published in the compact with as well as in the live June 11 2002 performance art show in Chicago, both titled Six One One. It was published in the chapbooks Get Your Buzz On, po•em, It also was previously published in the books Survive and Thrive, oeuvre, etc, Six Eleven, Moving Performances and Warm and Fuzzy. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - dumbek, waterphone, flute, saron; david estefan - didgeridoo The Carpet Factory, The Shoes Art/Life Limited Editions, CC&D magazine, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, Blind Man’s Rainbow #8, cer*ber*us (XXV), Fireside Poetry Review, Larry’s Poetry Page, Omnific issue 20, Pif, the glass cherry, The Poems Gallery, The Poetry Exchange, white crow v.2 i. 1, and http://www.ilovepoetry.com. It was read at The Cafe Radio Poetry Circus (live radio show at WZRD 12/07/03). It was in the chapbooks Politics and Violence, Finished with the Finnish, The CRAZY Medication, Pop A Pill, Violence in America, and in the Finnish/English (USA/Vlaanderen) chapbook Janet & Jean For the First Time Together. It was released on the CDs: Seeing Things Differently, the Side A CD, and Pointless Orchestra’s The Angel Scratch Radio Project. It was read on WZRD radio (88.3 FM) December 7 2003. It also was previously published in the books oeuvre, Seeing Things Differently, Moving Performances and Close Cover Before Striking. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - modified piano Too Far Angelflesh, Art/Life Limited Editions, Cat Machine vol. 8, connections v2 #1, entelechy, Happy Kitty #4, CC&D magazine, Opossum Holler Tarot v 457, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, keepsakes, Larry’s Poetry Page, Liquid Ohio, Pif, http://www.poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?sitename=poetry1344&item=home, Spiral Chambers, Poetic Realm issue 1, The Poems Gallery, The Plastic Tower (#24), The Prose Garden, vox volume 2 #1, http://www.my-diary.org/read/?read=2443, and http://www.ilovepoetry.com. It was previously published in the chapbooks And They Make Me Cry, The Way I’m Going, Seeing Things Differently, Ferme le Bousche!!!, and Se Habla Espanol (the poems). It was released on the compact disc Seeing Things Differently, and it was recorded live from a reading at Yammer and later released on the Side A CD, and it was read on WZRD radio’s The Cafe Radio Poetry Circus (88.3 FM) December 7 2003. It was released on the compact disc Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra, as well as on the CDs: The Elements CD, and Live in Alaska, with music by The Second Axing; the Alaska recording was also played on www.artistfirst.com’s internet radio station November 3 2003. “Too Far” was slated to be read at the 2004 Chicago Poetry Fest, and was in the The Best of Poetry Fest 2004. It was previously published in the books oeuvre, (woman.), Seeing Things Differently, Moving Performances and Close Cover Before Striking. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - Tambura, waterphone, and chimes Waiting For You Art/Life Limited Editions, Opossum Holler Tarot v451 and V462, poets 2000 at http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, artvilla.com/kuypers/poems/poems.html, http://www.allaboutlovepoems.com/submitted_poem_dtl.php?QnVerseID=45&QsType=R, yotko.com/jk/poems/poems.htm, andCC&D magazine. It was also used in the chapbooks I Was Looking Through, Order Now, They Tried To Tease Me, and Two Year Journey. It also was previously published in the books The Window, and Moving Performances. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - electric guitar Without You Art/Life Limited Editions, iliad Press — meditations, Larry’s Poetry Page, the Owen Wister Review, Two Summer, the starlite cafe (http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/28/poem_235182.html), Opossum Holler Tarot v422, v451 and V462, poets 2000 at http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, online diary at http://www.my-diary.org/read/?read=2443, poetry-today at http://www.poetry-today.com, poetryboard.com, poets 2000 at http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, CC&D magazine, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, yotko.com/jk/poems/poems.htm, http://www.allaboutlovepoems.com/submitted_poem_dtl.php?QnVerseID=44&QsType=R, and artvilla.com/kuypers/poems/poems.html. It was also used in the chapbooks I Was Looking Through, Two Year Journey and You’re Like This When You’re With Me. It also was in the books The Window and Rinse and Repeat. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - electric guitar Warren Stories Art/Life Limited Editions, poets 2000 at http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, yotko.com/jk/poems/poems.htm, Larry’s Poetry Page, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, artvilla.com/kuypers/poems/poems.html, artvilla.com/wordplay/, and CC&D magazine. It was also used in the chapbooks This You Don’t Hate. and You’re Like This When You’re With Me. It also was previously published in the books Contents Under Pressure, Seeing Things Differently and Moving Performances. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - homemade electronics, party samples White Knuckled Art/Life Limited Editions, Cat Machine vol. 8, Gin Mill Productions, Larry’s Poetry Page, and CC&D magazine. It was also used in the chapbooks Gasoline and Reason, Blister and Burn, One Summer, the 1994 Poetry Datebook, the Poetry Sampler v5, scratching, You’re Like This When You’re With Me, These Things in my Mind, and Weinman Inspired Poetry. It was released on the compact disc Seeing Things Differently and on the Pointless Orchestra CD Rough Mixes. It was also released on a CD from Pointless Orchestra, called Throwing Silverware Downstairs. It also was previously published in the books oeuvre, (woman.), Seeing Things Differently, Moving Performances and The Window. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - guitar, bass, spring; phil kester - drums Women’s Very Existence Larry’s Poetry Page, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, poets 2000 at http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, artvilla.com/kuypers/poems/poems.html, CC&D magazine, and yotko.com/jk/poems/poems.htm. It also was previously published in the chapbooks You’re Like This When You’re With Me and This is my Dilemma . It also was previously published in the books Contents Under Pressure, Moving Performances and (woman.). Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - water trays, waterphone, gu zheng; paul guerguerian - metals, gongs, mason jar, drums Writing Your Name Art/Life Limited Editions, Black Clove Tradesman, DCCR, gin Mill Productions, the Gypsy compilation, Helianthus, Joey and the Black Boots, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, http://www.poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?&sitename=poetry1230&password=310331WsG6jsPP.QY&item=poetrysG6jsPP.QY&item=poetry, On The Road, Opossum Holler Tarot, http://www.my-diary.org/read/?read=2443, Plain Brown Wrapper, Poet’s Sanctuary, http://www.poetry-today.com, CC&D magazine, http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, Subconscious Soup, The Bridge, The Owen Wister Review, Hawthorne Press’ “From the Gallows” poetry and prose community, The Poetry Exchange, The Scrivner, The Flying Dog, http://www.w3px.com/poems/2000/2000_09/week_2/pxp45574.htm, and Web #2. It also was previously published in the chapbooks Poetry Datebook, Poetry Sampler, The Poetry Box, Finished with the Finnish, To Write It Again, the Hope Chest in the Attic chapbook, Addicted, New World Order, Rendering Us, Love Letters, and in the Finnish/English (USA/Vlaanderen) chapbook Janet & Jean For the First Time Together. This was included in a set of 1993 Hypercard Stacks called The Gallery (point #2 in free downloads). It was released on the compact disc Rough Mixes, with music from Pointless Orchestra. It also was previously published in the collection book Slate and Marrow. “There I Sit” was previously published in All My Tomorrows, Art/Life Limited Editions, DCCR, Opossum Holler Tarot, mishibishi.net/kuypers.html, the Add-A-Poem Center, Poet’s Sanctuary, The Bridge, http://www.poets2000.com/kuyperswriting/, Freedom and Strength discussions, The Flying Dog, and The Poetry Exchange. It also was previously published in the chapbooks A Year in the Life, Addicted, Chapter 18, Love Letters, Finished with the Finnish, New World Order, the Poetry Datebook, the Poetry Sampler, The Poetry Box, To Write It Again, and in the Finnish/English (USA/Vlaanderen) chapbook Janet & Jean For the First Time Together. This was included in a set of 1993 Hypercard Stacks called The Gallery (point #2 in free downloads). John Yotko read “There I Sit” live and it was recorded and placed on the Torture and Triumph compact disc for later release. It also was previously published in the books Hope Chest in the Attic, oeuvre, Moving Performances and Slate and Marrow. Musicians and instruments from the Pointless Orchestra CD track include: mike hovancsek - electronic manipulation

colophon     The pages and covers of this book were designed using QuarkXPress v6.5, and Adobe Photoshop v7.0; scans were made using assorted flatbed scanners, including a Microtek 3600 Flatbed scanner and a HP Scanjet3470. Fonts in this book include Garish monde for th titles and AGaramond for all body copy. Trajan Bold is used for bullets in the copy, and Zapf Dingbats is used for the image of the scissors on the “For Sale” page. The created font “Janet Big Cheese” was used for the man icon associated with the Scars Publications logo, which is in Helvetica Compressed. The photographs in this collection were primarily taken with a Minolta Maxxum 5000 35 mm camera, though a select few images were taken with the Sony CD Mavica digital camera. Credit for all individual images are listed with the images (or explained in the Table of Contents). The “About The Author” photo was taken in the Grand Canyon National Park. about the author     Janet Kuypers has a Communications degree in News/Editorial Journalism (starting in computer science engineering studies) from the UIUC. She had the equivalent of a minor in photography and specialized in creative writing. A portrait photographer for years in the early 1990s, she was also an acquaintance rape workshop facilitator, and she started her publishing career as an editor of two literary magazines. Later she was an art director, webmaster and photographer for a few magazines for a publishing company in Chicago.     She sang with acoustic bands Mom’s Favorite Vase, Weeds and Flowers and The Second Axing, and does music sampling. Kuypers is published in books, magazines and on the internet around 9,300 times for writing, and over 17,800 times for art work in her professional career, and has been profiled in such magazines as Nation and Discover U. She has also been highlighted on radio stations, including WEFT (90.1FM), WZRD 88.3 FM radio (88.3FM), WLS (8900AM), the internet radio stationsArtistFirst dot com, chicagopoetry.com’s Poetry World Radio and Scars Internet Radio (SIR), and was even shortly on Q101 FM radio. She has also appeared on television for poetry in Nashville and Chicago, and was interviewed on her art work on Urbana’s WCIA channel 3 10 o’clock news.     She turned her writing into performance art on her own and with musical groups like Pointless Orchestra, 5D/5D and Order From Chaos, and starting in 2005 Kuypers ran a monthly iPodCast of her work, as well as an Internet radio station (JK Radio). She has performed spoken word and music across the country - in the spring of 1998 she embarked on her first national poetry tour, with featured performances, among other venues, at the Albuquerque Spoken Word Festival during the National Poetry Slam; her bands have had concerts in Chicago and in Alaska; in 2003 she hosted and performed at a weekly poetry and music open mike (calledSing Your Life), and from 2002 through 2005 was a featured performance artist, doing quarterly performance art shows with readings, music and images.     In addition to being published with Bernadette Miller in the short story collection book Domestic Blisters, as well as in a book of poetry turned to prose with Eric Bonholtzer in the book Duality, Kuypers has had many books of her own published: Hope Chest in the Attic, The Window, Close Cover Before Striking, (woman.) (spiral bound), Autumn Reason (novel in letter form), the Average Guy’s Guide (to Feminism), Contents Under Pressure, etc., and eventually The Key To Believing (2002 650 page novel), Changing Gears (travel journals around the United States), The Other Side (European travel booik), The Boss Lady’s Editorials, The Boss Lady’s Editorials — 2005 Expanded Edition, Seeing Things Differently, Change/Rearrange, Death Comes in Threes, Moving Performances, Six Eleven, Live at Cafe Aloha, and Dreams. Three collection books were also published of her work in 2004, Oeuvre (poetry), Exaro Versus (prose) and L’arte (art).