Vatican Turned into
a Whorehouse
Janet Kuypers
5/16/19 (written on the Day Pope John XII died)
When you think of the religiously pious,
you might think of someone like the Pope —
a pillar of piety, faith, chastity, self-sacrifice
and devotion that millions of followers admire.
But people who don’t know their history
might not know Pope John XII, who died
some one thousand fifty years ago in May.
He became the Holy Father only as a teen
because Octavianus’ father, the self-styled
prince of Rome, made the Roman Nobles swear
that his son would be Pope when the living Pope
died. When he did, Octavianus became John XII,
all when he was less than eighteen years old.
Becoming Pope John XII didn’t change Octavianus,
since he preferred living like a Chicago mob kingpin
versus someone selflessly sacrificing in sacrament.
For a few ideas of what made Pope John XII
stand out, let’s start with the fact that he turned
the papal palace into a whorehouse, he fornicated
with concubines, widows, and even his own niece.
Living his whole life in vanity and adultery, he
even castrated and murdered a cardinal. Then again,
he blinded and murdered his confessor. He took
money for ordaining bishops (hey, that sounds
kind of like an ex-governor of mine in Illinois) —
he even ordained a 10-year-old as a bishop, and once
ordained a deacon in a stable. This is the kind of Pope
that refused to make the sign of the cross, he toasted
to the Devil and invoked the names of Pagan Gods
while playing dice games (and when he lost,
not unlike how many now think of the church,
he would use papal funds to pay off his debts).
When he first became Pope, he worried
about his enemies, so he formed an alliance
with Otto I, the king of Germany. But under
Otto’s new title as the Roman Emperor, Otto
realized that John was unreliable, immoral
and a crook (those aren’t my words, but
the words of a historian and professor).
So Otto deposed John from the papacy
and put in a puppet Pope (you know,
a “puppet Pope”), but John, while in exile,
recruited an army so he could go back
and reclaim his throne. Otto charged
back to Rome to get rid of John once
and for all, but by the time Otto got there,
Pope John XII was already dead, at age
twenty-nine. There are no accounts
of how Pope John XII actually died...
Some wonder if an enraged husband
exacted his revenge after catching John
in bed with his wife. But Otto’s historian
postulated that the Devil himself wanted
one of his most faithful servants back
at his side again. Either way, for his nine years
this one man could truly be called the
most wicked of popes. Now, most may say
Pope John XII was a robber and a murderer,
but most forget that he actually worked
for reform in the church — and considering
some of the improprieties ascribed to men
of the cloth now, maybe that’s not such a
bad idea. Even if there is no salvation
for Pope John XII, he’s good to keep in mind
when you think you may have morally strayed.
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